madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 8/26/02 Ah, another birthday past. (in truth its tomorrow, but all the celebrating with friends happened this past Saturday night.) Now its time for Well, I think reflection is a good thing for the most part. I spent a lot of time in the hospital reflecting on my life. (Although, I think the steady morphine drip often had something to do with my wild ideas and free-flapping tongue.) But man, looking back there�s no denying it - the past 8 months have been more than just a rough patch. Like many of you guys have pointed out, there has been a lot of negativity in my journals both internally and externally. I guess, looking back, there are things I would�ve done differently if I had the chance. For instance, I wish I could�ve been more positive with my outlook when I first started to plateau way back in February. But because I was so addicted to the scale and I couldn�t make myself believe that the numbers weren�t the only thing that mattered. Nevermind my boundless energy, my strength and stamina at the gym, my smaller clothes, my lack of depression....none of that was enough. I wanted those numbers to keep going down. Dammit - I wish I would�ve tossed that damn scale out the window, and just held on for the bumpy ride ahead! I know I would�ve eventually lost more weight had I kept on at that pace. Instead I chose to throw up my mental hands in frustration and exclaim, �This is too hard!!� Now I struggling with finding that level of commitment, that pace again. Now I wonder if I ever will? Regarding the scale - and the whole experience as described above - I have come to certain terms with it. I now go for days with setting foot on it, which is actually an improvement over weighing myself several times a day. I guess now I don�t weigh more out of fear of how much I�ve gained!! Ha ha! (joking, but actually serious) But for whatever its worth, staying off the scale has taught me a lesson a reader once tried to teach me. She said, �If you�re doing everything right - you don�t need the scale.� Its pretty profound if you think about it. At the time she told me this, I was too caught up in my neurosis to actually heed her words. I never felt their meaning on a deep soul-full level. Yet now more than ever, I�m coming to understand that she was absolutely right. The scale is only a measuring tool...and its not the end-all, be-all definer of my failure or success. Its just one single tool that I can choose - or not - to use along my journey. The other thing I�d change, was that I should�ve found a new doctor. My doctor sucks - and she sucks on so many levels too. She made me feel like all of the weird shit happening to me was all in my head. It took her a YEAR to diagnose my herniated discs, and she still never believed me about those �spells� I was having. Is it coincidence that after I had my gallbladder removed I�m no longer having what she diagnosed as �panic attacks�? I don�t think so. She wanted to just stick me on some type of anti-anxiety medication instead of figuring out what the hell was actually wrong with me. Western Medicine really bites sometimes....just treat the symptoms, not the cause of the symptoms and certainly not the whole person. It just makes me angry at her - and at myself too. Because all this time I just kept going back to her again and again out of pure laziness, even when I knew in my heart she wasn�t helping me. This, I believe, is a lesson entitled, �Get thee of thy arse and kick they doc to the curb.� Or something like that... I was going to write more about what I�d like to go back and change about the last 8 months, but I couldn�t think of anything except - I wish I had eaten less. Ha ha!! :) But that�s a given. I also wish I had perkier boobs too...but whatdya do? :) :) Seriously though, I have eaten so much food the past 8 months. Well, maybe not in Jan, Feb & March...I was still really trying to break my plateau. But man, come April through August I�ve eaten like its going out of style! I revisited fast food joints and pizza joints and regular joints. (pause) I�ve even had a milkshake or two, slices of pie, raw cookie dough, eggs benedict, bacon, real full-fat cheese and all things deep fried & dunked in sauces of sorts. My poor stomach just groans at the idea of all this...but nonetheless, its all true. No wonder my gallbladder was chocked full o� nuts!! Geez, I shudder to think about all the emotional eating I�ve done this year, all the times I ate to numb pain, to dull my heartache or headache or backache or whatever. Eating for those reasons provide instant gratification...but long-term angst. I hope this year I come to terms with those patterns of behavior that cause me to go on self-destruct mode and learn how to change them. I think sometimes we wish that some things had never happened to us at all. Oh, you know, like I would like to take back the way I spoke to my husband one night when we were having a disagreement, or when I backed into the neighbor�s car with mine. I wish my plateau never happened at all. There are days when I want to forget everything that happened at the hospital - the pain, the invasion of every bodily orifice, the fear, the recovery. Maybe there were things I would forget if I could....but then who would I be had I not experienced them? Who would you be, had you not experienced some of the painful events in your life? My husband is fond of telling me that �Pain qualifies the experience.� He usually spouts this off when I�m whining about how hard something is, or when I�m being ridiculously ungrateful for all the wonderful things I have going on in my life. It usually stops me dead in my tracks. My friends. My family. My husband. My job. You. Ya, the bottom line is that pain sucks, whether it be emotional or physical. But it shapes us, the way river waters smooth a jagged stone, into the people that we are. So, for that, I think the past year has been pretty good to me. I wouldn�t change a thing. 2:39 p.m. - 8/26/02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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