madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 9/3/02 I updated my weight chart for all the world to see. I weigh....(drum roll please)....263!! Yes, my body has dutifully returned to my much hated weight of 263lbs. Now, normally, I'd be really upset that I gained For instance, did you know that when I came home from the hospital my weight was 288lbs!! I was completely freaked out. How - in God's name - could I gain nearly 20 pounds in 10 days with no food or water!? I knew it couldn't be real. Then, miraculously, I lost 33 pounds over the next week, putting me at an all-time low weight of 255. (I peed all of that I.V. fluid out.) I was thrilled to see that I'd lost 13 pounds total. Then, after my week of recovering at home, I went back to work and started my normal water-drinking regimen. Within the first 7 days, I gained almost 5 pounds back. (I must've been pretty dehydrated I guess, because I wasn't eating very much food that week.) Then I've gained those other 3 pounds back over the last 2 weeks of August. Too much celebrating of my birthday, and too much unconscious eating I think. I changed my weight chart to reflect only the monthly fluctuations since January 1st, 2002. I don't know how I feel about it. It certainly paints a picture, but it doesn't show all the weeks I held at 263. Or all the little ups and downs in between. I guess it's the big picture that matters. The bottom line is that I've at least maintained my weight loss this year, despite a lot of struggling. And, like I've said before, I'm determined to at least feel thankful for that. But, nevertheless, my desire to actually LOSE MORE WEIGHT has not subsided. I had a taste of what my body feels like at 255...and it was wonderful. My stomach was significantly smaller (3 inches smaller). My pants fit better. My shirts fit better over my stomach. My face thinned out. I loved the way 255 felt and despite the fact I'm not seeming to make much progress - I am determined to see it again. Which brings me to my next topic - gimmicks. Technically, the connotation associated with the word "gimmick" is a negative one. But in this case, I'm intending it to mean just the opposite. I need a new gimmick, a new plan, a new support system, a new program. I need new rules to follow - even if they're just the "old" rules dressed up to look like new. I need something different, the way a man going through mid-life crisis needs to trade in the station wagon for a shiny, candy-apple red convertible. I mean, I KNOW what I need to do in order to lose more weight. Eat less, move more. Drink water. Choose foods carefully, and with health in mind. Surround yourself with healthy people, activities and foods. Get support from others in the same boat. These are things I KNOW already. But I guess I just feel like I need something to stimulate me, to spark me, to jumpstart me into doing them again with energy and motivation and verve'. Right now I fluctuate back and forth. 5 days a week I do everything right. I write things down in my journal, I exercise, I drink water & count calories. Then the weekend comes and I completely blow it. I eat excessively, without any thought or awareness, and it wipes out any of the progress I made earlier in the week. I go back to square one on Monday, promising myself that next weekend will be different. So, I've been thinking about this a lot - this new gimmick. I know I need something sensible, something that I know I can stay on and happily live with. With that in mind, I immediately chucked the Atkins plan out the window along with The No-wheat, no-dairy diet, Herbalife, Fasting, Jenny Craig (too expensive), the Subway Diet (sorry Jared), and Slim Fast. I know myself well enough to recognize I couldn't stay on any of those long-term. Then I thought of Weight Watchers. I've seen so many people succeed on their program. Its reasonable too - unlike some of the other programs that ask you to eliminate foods like pizza. That just unnatural and wrong!! So, last Thursday I got on the internet and searched for a WW meeting. I thought I'd at least see what it was like....after all it couldn't hurt. So I rushed to the basement of an old church after work, and found a huge group of women gathered. Everyone seemed to know what they were doing - they all had a purpose. I watched as they stood in (a long) line to weigh-in, wrote out their checks, bought various WW products, and chatted amongst themselves. Some of them congratulated each other on their weekly losses, while others gave pats on the back and some words of encouragement. I felt completely out of place...like they were all part of a secret group and I didn't have the password. There were a couple of times during the meeting I thought about running out of there, but the WW Leader was so dynamic, positive and humorous I ended up staying just to listen to her. She was amazingly funny and honest and she seemed remarkably sincere. As I drove home, I tried to picture myself going to meetings every Thursday night. I imagined what it would feel like to be weighed by my WW leader...to be held accountable. I wondered if I would always feel out of place there? Would I resent the $12 a week spent on WW, when I knew I could do it by myself? Would the plan work for me, or would I fail? Would I follow it or would I feel deprived? Would this be the gimmick I need to jumpstart my weightloss - or will it be just another letdown? All these thoughts go through my mind this week, as Thursday approaches. Part of me thinks maybe this is just what I need - accountability, support, and structure. The other part of me knows that none of that really matters unless I'm ready to make that commitment. I really hate the idea of $12 a week...that kind of sticks in my craw. It's a lot to pay for a half hour meeting and some printed material. But, either way, I might just fork over the money and try it for a month. What have I got to lose? (except the $48 bucks, that is.) 2:40 p.m. - 9/3/02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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