madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 8/21/02 Its been an interesting week full of ups and downs. I was sooo excited to post my 3 pound loss on Monday, but stepped on the scale and I was exactly 3 pounds heavier than on Friday. (Hmm...could it have been the single sized pizza I ate, all those Gardetto�s (a snack mix), or the 7 diet sodas I drank over the course of the weekend?) Either way, I decided not to post my weight weekly anymore. It just fluctuates too much and it makes me crazy. Because I really was PERFECT Monday thru Friday, and my intake last weekend was within my calorie limits which is why the whole thing makes no sense. But I�m not pissed or anything. My body is still freaked from all the trauma of surgery and pancreatitis, not having a gallbladder anymore, laying in bed for 4 weeks straight, not eating for 10 days in a row and not exercising hardly at all. I�m expecting these fluctuations.
But, anyway, I�m shifting to a monthly weigh-in. I think I�m also going to re-vamp my weight chart to reflect this past year�s weigh-ins on a monthly basis instead of the weekly ones. My weight chart is getting too long. In fact, I might as well just erase the whole damn chart and say �Only lost 11 pounds so far this year.� That�s concise and it gets the point across.....in a sarcastic, bitter sort-of way. I am bitter about this year. Or at least, part of me is. Last year on my birthday, I had a secret vision of myself this year....thin, beautiful, and sliding into the home plate of my goal weight. Why not? At this time last year, I had already lost 87 pounds! Who was I to dream that I wouldn�t lose another 87 pounds in the year to come? After all, I was perfect... wasn�t I? And my metabolism was perfect too... wasn�t it? And I�d get skinner and stronger and healthier and happier and I would never falter, never get sick, never just get plain tired and poop out for months on end....Right? And my secret vision of myself was like the light at the end of the tunnel....drawing me towards the end. I felt like I would never be like those other people you read about... stumbling, wavering back and forth between pounds lost and gained. I believed I was truly different. So, yes, its been a bitter pill to swallow - this reality. (Especially since I�m the one who created it!! Arrg!!) But, in my heart I know there is still something good to be said about having lost 11 pounds this year. Even if I had only maintained my weight loss, I could still recognize the goodness in that, for I�d be a fool not to. Hell, before I started this journey, I was steadily gaining 10-20 pounds a year - every year since high school. So, let�s see...(breaks out the calculator).....that means if I hadn�t started on this journey at all, I�d theoretically be sitting at 405lbs or so right now. I would�ve grown out of the largest size clothing at the fat lady store. I would be even more of a recluse...being unable to go out in public (except to the grocery store of course) for fear of being taunted, stared at, or in a compromising situation. I�d be more depressed than I already am. My relationship with my mother (or parents, rather) would be strained. Certainly the trip to the hospital could�ve taken a turn for the worst. I do really have things to be thankful for. (trying to sound convincing) I made up my mind to head back to the gym this week. And I�ll tell ya, this tired, old mouse had a difficult time recognizing herself! I�ve lost at least 60% of my stamina, 80% of my confidence, and 50% of the muscle mass in my legs which are getting more jelly-like every day.... No joke. I guess laying around in bed for 4 weeks straight kinda of does that to a person. Actually, in all truth, I did make myself get up at least 3 times a day in the hospital to walk. And I�ve been doing little, tiny walks around the block. But I was a far cry from my former, powerful, she-woman self and I started feeling self-conscious almost the second I walked through the front door of the gym. First off, things had changed. I didn�t recognize anybody. The lady at the counter was new and unfriendly. She handed me something that looked like a key card, but it was different than before. The locker system had been completely changed. Now they expected people to actually REMEMBER their locker number, where as before, it was clearly written on the key tag. I don�t know about you - but I have all these numbers floating around in my head (i.e. numbers of calories burned, numbers of calories ate, numbers of minutes spent on the treadmill, numbers of times I�ve thought about chocolate cake....etc) I can�t exactly recall the locker number I only saw for a brief fleeting moment while trying to get the door to close over my gym bag. Geesh! I felt fat too. It seemed only the �beautiful people� were working out that day. Why did I have to be the heaviest person in the room? Usually this wouldn�t have bothered me, because I would�ve hopped on that elliptical trainer for 45 minutes and put every skinny minny around me to shame. But that day I hopped on the trainer and about 3 minutes into it I thought I might die. Seriously. I was sweating and panting and light-headed. I made myself go to 10 minutes...but that was pushing it. When my tummy started to hurt, I finally got off & resigned myself to a less intense exercise like walking on the track. My legs were wobbly, like a foal trying to stand for the first time. I felt so wimpy. I guess this will take time, to heal, to get back to what I was before. Although I will never be exactly what I was before...on many levels. Its my birthday again and it always gets me to thinking about my life. Another year passes, another generation takes the lead, another consequence from a choice made long ago comes to fruition....or not. I don�t know what the next year will hold for me. But the one thing I do know, is that I haven�t totally forgotten my vision. Its still there, in the back of my mind, like a heavily guarded secret waiting to be unearthed. The only difference is that now I know I cannot predict when or how I�ll end up being this self-actualized person that I see there. I just know that it simply is truth, and when the time is right it will happen. 2:38 p.m. - 8/21/02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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