madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 8/15/02 As you read earlier this week, I kind of flipped out when I saw that I had gained back 8 of the pounds I lost during my hospital stay. It was Saturday morning and I�m not quite sure what prompted me to pull out the scale from under the depths of the couch. Actually, I do remember. I put on a pair of black shorts and they were snug....very snug. These exact same shorts were feeling baggy just two weeks ago, so I wondered what the heck was up. I dragged out my scale, stepped on, and flipped out! Well, let�s just say I went from the flipped-out stage Saturday, to the pissed off stage Sunday, to the angry �fuck everything� stage by Monday. Nevertheless, despite my bad attitude, I decided that I�ll be damned if I�m going to let all of those 12 pounds creep back on me! And I�ll be damned if I�m ever going to see 263 again!!! NO WAY IN HELL was I going to let that happen! So I dusted off all my old food journals from the very beginning of my diet and poured over them. I took mental pictures of foods and daily calories and exercises and water intake. Then I hauled my lazy arse down to the store and I bought all the old standby�s....chicken breasts, lettuce, veggies, fat-free sour cream, salmon, oatmeal, turkey breast, 50% light cheese, diet wheat bread & egg whites. I bought a fresh new journal to write in. I did my laundry and washed all of my workout clothes. I dug out my tennis shoes from under the bed.. I was armed and ready. (at least in theory) Sunday morning I awoke...a little angry at the prospect of having to start at the beginning again. Of course its ridiculous to think of it as �starting over�, because I�ve already lost a considerable amount of weight. But its been months (meaning like 5 months) since I�ve faithfully written down in my food journal *every single day**every single calorie**every single nibble** that I ate. But angry or not, I knew I had no choice. I was sitting at 262lbs, and I knew that if I didn�t do something NOW - I�d see 263, 4, 5, 6, 7, & 268 again. That was enough motivation for me. Sunday was hell. My thoughts were consumed with food. I was unhappy, but following through as planned. I exercised. (but got very tired, very fast) I drank water. I ate my stupid chicken breasts & salad. I finally had to go to bed early - to avoid going over my calories. But nevertheless, I did it. One single day, I met my goal of staying under 1500 calories. It was a baby step. Monday was o-kay. I did some housecleaning, drank all my water. I went to work & spent most of the day searching for inspiration on the web. I ate breakfast and an hour later wondered when lunch was. I tempered my hunger with a protein snack, but obsessed about lunch for hours after. WOULD IT EVER BE 2:30pm!?! Lunch did finally came and I enthusiastically scarfed down my low-fat sushi rolls. Then I spent most of the day after lunch obsessing about dinner. Then after dinner, dessert. But when all was said & done, my totals were 1540 for the day and I felt pleased. Tuesday - more of the same. Obsess. Eat. Obsess about eating. Cook. Think about food. Think about deprivation. Only - lucky me - I actually felt *PHYSICAL* hunger all day long, not just the �head hunger� I�d been experiencing the other days. My stomach growled. I planned my day so I could eat something every couple of hours - but it didn�t seem to make a bit of difference. I would no more than finish a snack, and my stomach would grumble with hunger. It was tortuous. But I was like a rock - all day long....resisting the temptation to flee from my desk and run to the vending machine for a nice bag of Doritos or a candy bar. Finally at dinnertime, I felt like I was going to snap if I didn�t eat something. I went on �autopilot�. My eyes glazed over. I began to drool. (well...maybe) I slipped into �graze� mode and my mind completely shut down. Eat. Eat. That�s all I knew, was I had to eat. My eyes darted around the fridge for edibles, my hands moved swiftly gathering meat, cheese, mayo, lettuce. I�d make a huge sandwich & finally satiate this accursed hunger! (Meanwhile...on the grill...) I imagined the fixins - ham, turkey, 2 kinds of cheese, lettuce, tomato, onion, honey-mustard - piled high on crusty sourdough bread for what would be the ultimate sandwiches of all sandwiches. I was busy slicing the tomato when I got a whiff of the grill smoke from outside. It �awoke� me. I looked down at all the food spread out before me. What was I doing? Why was I about to ruin my 3rd perfect eating day with a stupid, fucking sandwich of all things? After all, I had beautiful teriyaki chicken skewers and veggie kabobs grilling, ready to be eaten in about 10 minutes!? I had a moment of pause. I put everything away for the sandwich. I went outside, pulled the veggies & chicken off the grill. The teriyaki skewers were golden brown and crusty on the edges...the veggies perfectly crisp-tender. I made my plate and ate alone, sitting outside under the tree in the yard. I savored the food slowly, while thinking about what just happened. I contemplated my addiction, and how strong it was, and how I was amazed sometimes that I�d even come this far. I went to bed after logging in my daily total: 1593, and I drifted off to sleep...a little scared of who I was. Wednesday came, and I felt a quiet calm for the first time in days. I ate breakfast and only thought of lunch one time before 2:30pm....and that was only to think, �Wow - I haven�t been obsessing about lunch all day!?� Ha ha! The rest of the workday was easy-going - no hunger pains, no obsessing. I did, however, cringe a little when I added up my calories before dinner. I was sitting at 1230 already. (No wonder I wasn�t hungry all day!!) My mind wandered to thoughts of how in the world I was going to make (and be satisfied with) a 270 calorie dinner. I couldn�t imagine it. I�d never be satisfied with just a crappy frozen dinner or a plate full of vegetables. And if I had to eat another salad I was going to jump off a cliff! Then, I thought, well - if I�m not going to be satisfied with that, then I know I�m going to go over my limit. And if I go over my limit, I might as well make it something good.....like pizza. (You can see where this is going...) As I drove home from work, I salivated over images of everything from New York style pepperoni pies to delicate slices of Pizzicato (gourmet) topped with pancetta bacon, spinach and roasted garlic. I came through the front door of my apartment, fully intent on ordering pizza, when I spied the outline of my food journal through my bag. CRAP! My food journal. I had pushed it out of my mind. I thought about having to write down the calories and fat content of my future pizza binge. It would be my first real fuck-up since Sunday....and I was doing so good. God, I didn�t want to write that stuff down. But I had promised myself on Sunday that I would be honest with myself - the kind of honesty I had in the very beginning. I removed the journal from my bag. It even still smelled new, the way paper smells just after its been printed. The ribbon which acted as a bookmark was still shiny and un-frayed. I ran my fingers over the words printed on the cover... �Nothing is worth more than this day.� I realized it was true. Nothing IS worth more than this day. The choices and decisions that I make RIGHT NOW - THIS DAY, THIS MOMENT - are what matters. I spent so much of my life living without ever thinking about the consequences of what I put in my mouth. I lived unconsciously, unaware. Hell, that�s what made me 375 pounds - because I never cared about the choices I made on a moment to moment basis. I always felt that I would do better �tomorrow�, or that I�d start my diet on �Monday�. And then when Monday came, I would just make promises to myself about the future that were made to be broken. I set my journal down. Sure I wanted pizza, but for this moment, for this day, it wasn�t worth it to me. I didn�t want to write down those extra 1,000 calories I�m sure I would eat. But more than anything, I desperately needed to prove to myself that I could do this. I had to be strong. I had to believe in myself. As I sat down to dinner with my hubby, he gazed at my plate in disbelief. �Is that all you�re having!?� he exclaimed. �Yep.� I replied. The 3 slices of turkey breast, cup of nonfat cottage cheese & the sliced fresh peach that adorned my plate was my proof...proof to myself that I wasn�t going to bow down easily this time. It was me - proving that nothing is worth more than this day. 2:37 p.m. - 8/15/02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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