madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 7/4/02 I�ve posted (yet another) weight gain on my chart today. It was tough to see those numbers. I have literally erased all my efforts from this entire year, and I now weigh what I did in December 2001. Oh, I have some valid reasons for not concentrating more on my diet, like the two months of solid back pain, the pain medications making me lethargic and too exhausted exercise, the strange �spells� I�ve been having which include me shivering and body temperature dropping as low as 94.4 degrees, clammy skin, mentally disoriented, non-stop nausea, heart palpitations, anxiety. Essentially, these symptoms are just like having a panic attack....only its induced by my thyroid. My doctor is stumped, saying my thyroid isn�t really that far out of whack to be causing all these problems. But nevertheless, she�s sending me to a specialist - again. Now I just have to learn to live with them until they figure out what�s wrong. So, I guess you could say that I�ve been dealing with a lot of stress and pain and this has caused me to slack off my diet. But I know that none of these �excuses� are really and truly valid. Life is going to hand me all sorts of challenges, and I need to learn to turn to something other than food for my comfort. I need different coping mechanisms now....mostly because the old ones aren�t working anymore. I thought about this a lot as I was stuffing my face this weekend. I wanted to just feel totally numb from this back pain, from these weird �spells� I�m having. And of course I turned to food... I stuffed myself with pizza, french fries and greasy, cheesy sandwiches, candy bars, ice cream, and middle eastern food. I ate and ate. I consumed food the way I used to consume food. I had only a single purpose - to feel anaesthetized. But the problem with that is, now it doesn�t quite have the same effect as it used to. Because now when I stuff myself to the gills, I can still feel. I am not totally numb. Now I feel guilt. I feel nauseated. I feel angry. I feel like I�m stepping backwards. I have an awareness that cannot be stomped down and obliterated with food anymore. And with this realization, comes both a sadness and a great relief. I always feel like I�ve let myself down when I gain. But, some part of me knows that everything happens for a reason. That no matter how uncomfortable, I�m here (at 268.8) again for a reason. Its to learn something. If I�ve learned anything, its that the past couple of months have been one of the most depressing and painful times in my life. I�ve learned that I am still addicted to food, and I�m still using it to soothe my aching soul....a habit that I desperately need and want to change. So onward with my 60-day challenge. Two days down, and I haven�t done so well. I�m thinking of running away to join the circus, maybe that will solve all of my problems? Anyway, i just wanted to let you know what�s going on in my life....my declaration of failure!!
2:32 p.m. - 7/4/02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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