madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 7/29/02 I�m alive. That, in itself, feels like a miracle right now considering what I�ve been through. Its such a long story, I�m not sure where to begin - or even if I should tell it all in detail. In fact, I shudder at the thought of recounting the events...but here�s the short version. I woke up Monday, July 8th, at 1am with the most excruciating pain radiating through my middle. It felt like a heart attack, it felt like childbirth, it felt like nothing I�ve ever felt before. I thought maybe it was my back. I was alone and scared, so I called an ambulance. I couldn�t breathe. They took me to the hospital and dropped me off at the ER where I was told it would be at least 3 hours before they could see me. I cried and screamed and made a spectacle of myself - all the while begging for someone to give me something for the pain...which they would not. I knew I had pain meds at home, and I knew I couldn�t sit there for 3 hours waiting - so I called a cab and went home. I downed vicoden and muscle relaxers and curled up into a ball on my bed and rode it out. I slept all day Tuesday. Wednesday morning I woke up feeling like crap. I went to work anyway. Meanwhile...while using the restroom....I noticed something very odd....my urine was a dark brown, and my stool was completely white! I rationalized that nothing was wrong, but got onto WebMD.com and searched on my symptoms. What came back was �gallbladder attack� and that I should immediately see a Dr. if urine or stool was discolored. Reluctantly, I went back up to the ER and sure enough the docs found a stone blocking my common bile duct. Then �fun� time began. Every hospital in the city was on divert so consequently they had no bed available for me. I ended up spending two days in the ER!! When I did finally get a bed, the docs decided to perform an ERCP procedure. They go down your throat, through your stomach, and they try to get out the stone that way. They performed the procedure, but the stone had moved and they couldn�t find it after getting in there. They snipped my sphincter duct to allow it to pass on its own in the meantime. An unfortunate side effect of having the procedure was that they gave me acute pancreatitis - a severe and horribly painful inflammation of the pancreas. The next 4 days were pure hell. I spent hours and hours in excruciating pain. They hooked me up to I.V. pain pump, which allowed me to have pain meds every 6 minutes if I chose. But there were times the meds did nothing for the pain. I puked up green bile while convulsions racked my entire body. They pumped me with so many fluids that I got water on my lungs which made breathing difficult. They inserted a catheter. After getting 8 I.V.�s in 4 days, they finally put in a PIC line. I got a feeding tube through my nose, down my stomach, and into my small intestine. (At this point, I hadn�t had anything to drink or eat for 6 days.) My tongue cracked from dehydration. I couldn�t sleep at night anymore, and I woke up on many occasions with the sound of my own screams in my ears. I started to hear voices...whispering coming from my bathroom. I heard what I thought was a banshee the next night. My bed would shake, and as the days ensued, I became more agitated and fearful at night to be by myself. On the 9th day, they performed a laporascopic (sp?) gallbladder removal with exploratory surgery to try and remove the offending stone. I spent another day and a half in the hospital and was sent home to recover fully. I spent the last week at home, trying to get well again. Detoxing from the pain meds was difficult, and I woke up in cold sweats, shaking like a leaf. I dreamt about my pain �button� and would reach for it in my sleep. I spent most of the first 4 days being too dizzy to stand, and nauseous. And because I went ten (10) full days without food or water, adjusting to eating again was a lesson in patience and pain. My stomach still hurts - even to drink water. I get cramps and spasms still, but they seem to be lessening in frequency and intensity. So here I am, back to work today for the first time in 3 weeks. My story has lots of little ups and downs in it that I haven�t included...this is mostly �just the facts�. I can barely stand to tell those. I�m still having trouble sleeping...as every time I close my eyes I see the hospital and remember everything they did to me - all the horrible tests, the agony and pain, the loss of control over my body. I just want to forget it all happened and move on now. If anything good could come of this situation....I guess weight loss would be it. I lost 12 pounds total, which brings me down to 255lbs. And although I�d never do this again to lose any amount of weight, I am thankful to see a brand spanking-new number on the scale. Even if it was a result of nothing to eat or drink for 10 days! And I will tell you my friends....there is nothing quite like being deprived of even water for 10 solid days. After about day 4, food wasn�t even an issue. I was too sick to eat anyway. But water....precious, delicious, thirst-quenching, cold water....mmmmm...I�ll never forget that feeling of WANT. It gives a whole new meaning to the word �deprivation�. I did a lot of thinking while in the hospital. My life came into a sharp focus. I realized that I�m not getting any younger. I thought a lot about my priorities. Its funny how a life-threatening situation makes you re-think what�s important, and what�s not. I thought about my friends...especially those who were there with me at the hospital, supporting me. I thought about how we take these special people in our lives for granted, how we take our family for granted. I want to be more giving of myself in the future. I want to remember how precious these relationships are. But mostly, I would say this experience cemented my belief that health comes before everything else in life. Without my health I have nothing. Without my health I am not rich, I am not prosperous, and I cannot love or be loved. My health is paramount, and I must try to keep this in my head as my truth. So I go forward with the healing process, both physically and mentally. I begin again - a different person - and take another step on this journey. thanks for coming along. 2:33 p.m. - 7/29/02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||