madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 6/20/02 Now I know what it feels like to be buried alive, inside of a coffin fit for a 130 pound man, with a team of bulldozers ripping up pavement from the earth above. Or wait....that was just my MRI. Oh, how I wish they would�ve told me I was too fat to fit into that machine! But they didn�t. They greased me up like a pig and stuck me (a square peg) into a *very* small round hole and did nothing to prepare me for the intensity of the noise of the machine or the cramped �ness� of the space. My stomach barely (and I mean like by 1-inch) cleared the opening. And while that was uncomfortable, it was my arms which provided the most resistance. Within 10 minutes, my hands went completely numb from the pressure of my forearms against the metal of the MRI machine. To make a long story short, I did the best I could.... for about 40 minutes. And then I flipped out. Its really hard to explain why it was so traumatic to the average joe. I never thought I was claustrophobic or anything, but being totally confined in that tiny space, completely pinned down, with these intense deafening noises all around me... Well, it wasn�t fun. And about 40 minutes into it I just �snapped� and started crying and kicking and screamed for them to get me the hell outta that thing. Which they did. And then they proceeded to calm me down, and hold my shaking hand for the last 5 minutes of the test...like a child. (I feel embarrassed about that part now) The MRI did what it was supposed to do though...which was take pictures of my back. Now I know the source of my back pain - have two herniated discs. (#�s 7 and 8 in the thoracic region). This was disappointing news for me because it comes with consequences. I have many things to consider now. Surgery, non-surgical treatment, physical therapy. But what is most devastating is that I now have limitations set upon me. Now I cannot do anything which might compress my spine and cause further damage. I haven�t seen my doctor, so I�m not sure what that includes. But my therapist recommended water therapy, swiss ball exercises, recumbant bike riding, and/or moderate walking....things that don�t burn as many calories as the type of exercise I�m doing now...things that I don�t find as fun as say...step aerobics. My immediate reaction was sadness and a sense of loss. I was like, �Oh, great - another thing to make my weight loss even harder...limitations!!� I got angry. Its not fair!! Then I cried about how I was going to just get really fat again because I�d never be able to do the kind of exercise that would help me lose the weight or keep it off. I fell asleep last night feeling positively sorry for myself, and completely numb. Then I woke up. I realized all of that was just a bunch of hooey. Nothing has really changed from yesterday, from last year. I�ve had two slipped discs since last July - almost a year ago. My pain is manageable. I can still do plenty of exercises. Yes, I�m going to have to be more careful. No more heavy lifting. I�m not sure about weight lifting...that�s something I still have to discuss with my doctor. But all in all, I think I am very lucky. No, I don�t think anyone would choose to be in pain every day. But I don�t have a choice, and I�m not going to be a big whiny, baby about it. This is what I�ve been handed, and I have to deal with it. I just hope that my symptoms don�t get more severe...then I would have to have spinal surgery. I�ll cross that bridge when I come to it. Right now just need to focus on getting some more of this weight off me - which will be more beneficial to my spine than anything else I could do. So I take it, one day at a time...and I do my best. Have you ever been in an airplane about ready for take off? You�re rolling easily down the tarmac when suddenly the engines kick into overdrive. The whine of the turbines go up an octave, and the noise becomes thunderous. The plane rattles and shakes and G-forces pin you down to your seat. The pavement zooms by your window at a mind-numbing speed. And just as you wonder if you�ll make it off the runway, the nose of the plane lifts....and then the rear lifts. Air rushes under the jet, the landing gear folds up, and you rise up into the atmosphere...like magic. The next thing you know a lovely flight attendant is serving you an iced coffee and a bag of pretzels. And the tiny window opens up to a vast array of billowing clouds & brilliant blue sky and you are just another bird flying to its destination. I feel like the last 5 � months I have been awaiting runway clearance for take-off. I�ve shuddered and shook and revved my engines. I�ve stalled out. I�ve had mechanics check under my hood for repairs. I�ve stood completely deserted in the rain, empty, rusted., ready for the junkyard. I�ve had onlookers stand in awe of my former power, and bow their heads with the irony of my weakness. But the nuts and bolts which holds me together remembers what it feels like to fly. My nose recalls the smell of soaring through crisp autumn mornings over remote mountain tops. The metal of my wings used to stretch against glorious sunrises and glide safely over wide-mouthed rivers pouring into the ocean. I miss those inspired moments with just me, my power and the sky expanding before me in an endless ribbon of blue. I want to fly again. And so this day I begin the ascent to reclamation - of my soul my passion my intensity my perseverence my drive my energy my need for change. I lick my wounds clean. I shake off my demons and scoff at their hold on me. I choose my destination and my route to get there. I remember what it feels like to succeed. But most of all, I rev up for take-off....as I�ve just gotten my clearance from the Universe. �All is a go� 2:32 p.m. - 6/20/02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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