madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 6/13/02 You guys rock! Thanks for sending me a mountain of inspiration! I got so many good links that I spent most of yesterday just surfing around. Of course, I only got through about 3 e-mails because I had to stop and read journals, look at pictures, and check out stats. I can�t believe how many people are out there in web-land totally kicking butt! When I read some of these people tell their stories, I heard myself in them. I identified with a lot of their experiences - like getting under the 300lb mark, or fitting into a size smaller for the first time. What thrills! In other sites, I couldn�t identify with the person at all - like when every journal entry is a ray of happy sunshine and they never hit a plateau and they lose all their weight in a year�s time. But then I guess everyone�s experience is different and some people are just *meant* to be skinny....while other�s have to fight it every step of the way. I�m not bitter or anything... I feel good today. (Not physically, of course, because of my non-stop, round-the-clock back pain, but even that isn�t too bad today.) I feel calm and collected and I appear to have my head on straight. Most of all I feel ready. Ready and Steady. I feel some of my healthy instincts taking root again, and I know they are going to blossom given time. I filled my house with *safe* foods. My food journal is my best friend again....even on the days when I�m not doing so well. It keeps me aware. It keeps all the numbers in nice, tidy order the way my Virgo self likes it. My back hasn�t inhibited my exercise too much this week, which goes a long way toward making me feel good. I�ve taken it very easy. I know people in my step class (especially the teacher who came and asked me if I was alright) thought something was wrong with me. I modified anything that was remotely �bouncy� at all. I was very careful and calculated with my arm movements, and very reserved with my feet placement. I must�ve looked like a wet rag-doll instead of my normal peppy self. But I have to be extra careful now because of my back less I want to be told to stop exercising completely. (one of my biggest fears..) Basically, I feel like I�m coming up on a good groove and I�m about to slip into it. My head is sane. My �awareness� has been regained. I�ve surrounded myself with healthy foods again. My back pain is manageable and I�m finding ways to work my exercise around it. (Keep your fingers crossed on that one for me.) I I�m also going into this new �wave� with different expectations than I�ve ever had before. This time I *KNOW* - without a shadow of a doubt - that I will plateau again. And when I do, its important that I recognize my body�s needs, and resign myself to maintaining until my body is read to lose again. I also have realized the importance and unimportance of the scale and its numbers. When I started plateauing in January, I felt totally defeated. But looking back I realized that I was still losing a very minute amount of weight. Not only that, I was also getting smaller. I�m going to remember this next time it happens to me, and not give up. When I gained this 5 pounds, I could immediately feel it in every aspect of my life... in all of my clothes, in the way I fit into a chair, in the way my seatbelt fit on me, in the way I carried myself and felt about myself. I learned that 5 pounds really does make a difference and that maintenance is just as important as losing. Gaining is my enemy.....not plateauing. As I say all of this, I notice I haven�t reached my 1200 calorie goal even once since I started trying on Saturday. But that�s okay, because I found that by shooting for 1200 I can still have my midnight snack and stay under 1500...which is ultimately where I want to be anyway. I haven�t been able to stay under 1500 calories for months and months. So I�m being very grateful right now for that. For the first time, in a very long time, I feel genuine hope that the best is still yet to come. 2:31 p.m. - 6/13/02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||