madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 6/10/02 I haven�t read many online weight loss journals lately. By lately I mean - the past 6 months. It was either a) too painful to read other people�s successes -or- b) too difficult to read other people just like who were plateau-ing or stuck or depressed. Consequently, with the exception of Robyn who I just have to read, I haven�t been �current� on the lives of those of us watching our weight in cyberland. Friday I was sitting at work, bored to tears, wishing I could find something interesting to entertain me. So I found myself going through old bookmarked weight-loss web sites. Many of them were defunct, some of them were seemingly abandoned by their owners, and others were still there plugging away at their journey and either being successful at it...or not. I came across Gretchen�s site, http://www.fat2thin.org/Journal10. Her story is incredible. This woman weighed 395+ pounds on her 5ft 2in frame just 2 � years ago. Today she�s sitting at 207lbs - yes, she�s lost 188 pounds!!! I�ve always found her story to be completely inspiring which is why I have her on my links page, but like I said before, I had fallen out of touch with her current struggles. Turns out she isn�t struggling at all! Her current journal says, �This is day #60 (Perfect Program Day) those are consecutive days of eating within my food program, drinking my water, exercising and offering support.� In general, she sticks to a 1200 calorie diet and exercises at least 30 minutes each day - but if you look in her forums you�ll see she often eats less and exercises more than that. Doing this, she�s lost 19 pounds in the past 45 days (W*O*W*) and she seems invincible! She�s scheduled for a tummy tuck, but was ordered to lose the last 45 pounds before the doc would do it. I think this was part of the motivation for her to really put 100% back into losing weight again. But more than that this woman is truly destined to reach her goal, and is willing to do whatever it takes to get there. She is a pillar to me, a rock. But anyway, the reason I tell you all of this is because something just �clicked� inside of me after reading her journal entry. I thought, �Omigosh - 60 days of staying on track. And not just staying on track, but 60 days of perfection! Holy shit!�. The rest of the day I just kept thinking about it. I can�t remember the last *week* I had that was completely on-program for me, much less two entire months! Hell, every weekend I usually give in to a restaurant meal or pizza or a sinfully rich dessert. That�s always been part of my program - to never be denied of anything I wanted. I truly think that has been part of my success. But its also been a part of my failure too....eating over my calories because I felt I deserved to. Its been part of the reason (lately) that I�ve stayed the same for so long. All day after reading Gretchen�s site, I re-visited my own situation with more clarity. I�ve often used the theory that it just �get�s harder� to lose weight once you�ve already dropped the first 100 pounds or so. Granted, I think there is some truth to that statement. The body does plateau. I know this because it happened to me in Jan, Feb & March. And I spent April and May basically giving up on the idea of ever losing more weight...that I just needed to maintain and that was good enough. And June has been spent basically abandoning my diet altogether. The past two weeks have been a huge, defiant �FUCK YOU� to the whole weight loss thing. I�ve ate more and exercised less than at any other point in the past 17 months. I reached a place of complete, mind-numbing apathy about my diet because I just couldn�t get But I then look at Gretchen. She�s had periods of massive weight loss, of plateau, even of weight gain, but she�s still going strong. She�s been doing this for over 2 � years and it hasn�t seemed to effect or slow down her ability to still lose weight. (my biggest fear) She�s exercising every day, she�s not giving into cravings (despite menopause) and most of all, she�s still losing. Watching her succeed really had a way of taking the wind from the sails of my little �theory�. It made me realize that my �theory� has been an excuse to completely give up the past two weeks. It made me wonder about how much I want this, and how much I�m willing to do. Surely, if Gretchen could survive on a 1200 calorie-a-day diet, then so could I. Right? I mean, its not impossible - people do it all the time. Yes - it�s a far cry from the 1800-2300 calorie diet that I�ve grown very comfortable with these past 2 months. I�m not saying it won�t be difficult to adhere to. And there is no doubt in my mind that its strict, and its not something I could do forever. But could I do it at all? Could I make it for even one day? One week? Asking these questions stirred up an old memory from when I first began researching weight loss surgery on the web....all those 17 months ago. I remember stumbling across Sue�s site and reading her powerful story and seeing those transformation pictures and I recalled the impression they made on me. I remember thinking, �1500 calories a day and she never hit a plateau. Hmmm.... Well - if SHE can do it, then maybe I can do it too?� And in that pivotal moment, I made the decision to try. To see that another human being (who also weighed in the 370's at her starting point), who probably had been as addicted to food as I had, completely change her life -well- it made it all seem possible. It was at that moment I decided to try 1500 calories for just one day and see if I could do it. The rest, as they say, is history. It was interesting to remember those feelings, and to recall that moment when I decided 1500 calories was my number. Because those feelings were repeated when I read Gretchen�s journal. 1200 calories... Could I do it? Could I really do it if even for just one single day? Cutting my calories severely has been the only thing I haven�t tried since I first plateaued. I am so ready to see and feel changes in my body again. I I think everything is cyclical, and its all meant to happen the way it does. I don�t question why. I know why. I had to plateau. I had to try and force myself to break the plateau, and suffer my defeat when I couldn�t. I had to feel all that anger, frustration, and fear that I might never make it to my goal. I had to grow complacent and apathetic and accept the fact I may never get past 263. I had to eat and eat and eat until I felt sick and guilty again. I had to be depressed. I had to gain weight and see 265lbs on the t to appreciate where I�ve been. I had to feel the pinch of pants that were too tight, and feel the shame of being unable to wear them. I had to go in search of inspiration and come across Gretchen�s journal. All the things I had to go through were meant to be. I had to �find my pain� again which would bring me to the place of change. This is going to be all about attitude and mine has sucked for the last 5 months...for various reasons. Mostly because I was being petulant and demanding and wanting more than I was willing to give. I finally feel ready to make sacrifices with a good attitude again. So I pledge myself to complete one 1200 calorie day....just to see if I can. And then I pledge another. And another. My plan is to have 5 consecutive 1200 calorie days, allowing more for the weekend when my activity level is naturally higher. I pledge to drink water. I pledge to not be grouchy and angry over this change. I have a choice and I am CHOOSING to make this change. I am not being forced. I only hope that the Universe will reward me with weight loss and a newfound motivation to reach my goal.
LONG-WINDED STREAM OF CONSCIOUS WRITING: I am angry, I�m pissed. I don�t want to have to think about this madness anymore...will it ever end? I can�t believe how obsessed with food I am, how addicted. I do have control - I show it in great wads. Humongous wads of self-control and then I blow it in the middle of the night on 2 bowls of cereal and graham crackers and cool whip. God, help me. I must figure out why I am the way I am and how I can change it and when can I start. I promised myself I wouldn�t be like this. Mostly, today, I feel like this because I failed. I fucking failed myself. NO - the stakes aren�t too high...they just aren�t. Lots of people can do 1200 calories a day - hell, I think I can. No - Its not too much to ask of myself. No - I wasn�t starving when I got up in the middle of the night and scarfed down 600 calories worth of food. I tried not to beat myself up, but instead woke up feeling like I was going to do better today. Instead I�ve only proven to myself that I have no self-control Yes - tomorrow is another day. But that�s just it - I can�t seem to do it even for a day or an hour. It sucks. What�s my problem? Why am I so weak? And it seems that whenever I try to 2:30 p.m. - 6/10/02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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