madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 6/6/02 Oh. My. Gosh. I can be such a whiny little drama queen sometimes. (referring to yesterday�s entry) I am feeling somewhat better today. Emotionally up and down, its pretty much the story of my life. After all, I can�t walk around being *that* depressed every single day or I�d probably just jump off a bridge or something. Thankfully, I have these little days in between the depression that have an inkling of hope to them, and it keeps me going. Now that I think of it - is that a good or bad thing? Hmmm... Probably one of the reasons I�m feeling a bit better today is because of yesterday�s calories. I came in at 1578 for the day - and that included a midnight raisin bran cereal raid. I haven�t seen the 1500's since at least February or March. So that�s more than good - that�s an f*ing miracle! Just one day down, and 2,568,029,509 left to go!! Woo Hoo!! I�ve gone back to keeping my calorie journal....as much as I detest the damn thing. It helps. There�s no question about that. I�ve gotten a good 2 months freedom from it - and I�m sure I�ll free myself again sometime in the future. But for now I need a solid handle on what I�m doing. I need something tangible, something black and white that will hold me accountable for what I choose to put in my mouth. For instance, I had forgotten how painful it is to write down the calories contained in a strawberry sundae until I had to do it on Monday. That was a uncomfortable reminder I�d like not to repeat any time soon. (Like tomorrow where my office potluck will include - but not be limited to - little weenie wraps, hot crab & artichoke dip, homemade strawberry ice cream, cake and salad.) Lead me not to temptation but deliver me from evil..... A-hem. I�ve had a few *subtle but effective* wake up calls the past few weeks. Aside from the obvious - a scale which viciously taunted me with the numbers 265.2, I�ve found myself feeling a lot of my �old� feelings again. You know those tapes you run in your head all the time? Well I found mine saying, �Eat. Who cares. You�re never going to make it...you�re destined to fail.� I also heard things like, �Are people staring at my fat?� while shopping in the grocery store, and �I�m too fat to ._____(fill in the blank).� These are things I haven�t heard for awhile, and it was discouraging to hear those evil tapes running again. I also found myself changing clothes 3 and 4 times a day - something I used to do because I felt so uncomfortable in my own skin. Besides making laundry day a living hell, it�s a really unnatural thing for me to do. In fact, since I lost this weight - I�ve felt great in (and comfortable) in my clothes for the first time in years. So I hated doing this again. The next thing that really caught my attention, was that a new outfit was too tight on me. I had bought it a month ago and it was snug but wearable. When I put it on for work last week, it was very tight and restrictive. I couldn�t breathe. I immediately took it off and proceeded to feel very guilty, very bad. Its been a long time since something didn�t fit me because it was too small. That totally sucked.
Oh, and remember my daily trips in front of the full-length mirror? Uh, uh. Not anymore. I�ve been avoiding the mirrors in my house again. - not a good sign for me. The last thing I noticed was that I had completely drowned out my �maintaining awareness� voice. This was the voice that helped me lose so much weight in the beginning. Upon passing a fast food joint I�d toss around the idea of pulling in and just having �a little sumpin� to snack on. This is when my awareness voice would kick in and ask, �Do you really need or want that?� and �How will you feel after you eat that?� and �Do you want to lose weight or do you want french fries more?� By the time all those questions were asked, I usually decided it wasn�t worth it. Lately though - I�ve been completely smothering that awareness voice with other mantras like, �I DESERVE this treat.� or �One order of french fries isn�t going to make me or break me.� or �I�m too tired to cook tonight. I just can�t.� These pathetic little excuses have been my main source of internal conversation lately. Yes, I realize I may have needed a break from my diet. Okay - I had one. And with each of these little wake-up calls, I�ve realized that now is the time to get back to it before I spiral down down down... I don�t even want to go there. Exercise-wise - well - I�m NOT going to stop. I have an MRI scheduled for my back, and the orders for me to completely abstain from exercising won�t be in effect until those results are in. Frankly, I doubt they will find the �bulging disc� that my doctor suspects. I truly believe all this pain is completely muscular, and its caused by the sheer weight (and new location) of my breasts and possibly my pannus. Whenever I do something higher impact and my breasts bounce, I can feel those muscles tense up in my back on the downbeat. I�m 99% confident its only muscular. Either way I�m going to be sent to physical therapy, and maybe I�ll learn something there which will help me fight off these episodes. So... its 5pm and I�m sitting at 900 calories...not too bad. I�m taking it one day, one hour, one minute at a time. I didn�t get all panicky and freaked out today about eating such a small lunch. I didn�t day-dream about chocolate or cheese or pizza either. I was, however, very very aware of what I�d eaten and how it made me feel and I tried to listen to my body. I drank lots of water. I went for a walk. Then, somewhere in the back of my mind, I feel a little undercurrent of excitement, like maybe my body is ready for more change. I imagined myself getting smaller and actually reaching my huge, much awaited goal of 250 pounds. I saw myself trying on a size 22/24 - and having it fit. I watched as I rode my bike everywhere this summer and felt strong and happy and lean. �First say to yourself what you would be; then do what you have to do.� - EPICTETUS, philosopher 2:30 p.m. - 6/6/02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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