madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 4/30/03 Usually I can feel the weight coming back on me in my pants first, they get sort of tight. Naked, I can always see it in my bottom stomach � around my hips. I have certain a-hem � shall we say �dimples� around my stomach that begin to disappear when I�m packing on the pounds. Imagine a dent popping out of a car and you�ll understand what I�m talking about. Those dimples simply fill in with fat and become unnoticeable the heavier I get. But seldom (in the past few years) do I ever see changes in my face. So it surprised me a little to wake up today to Fat Face. I hate this face. It sneaks up on you and its like one day out-of-the-blue you all of the sudden have a fat face. This face makes me want to squirm in my own skin and run away and sleep�and unfortunately it often makes me want to eat. It�s also a wake up call, not that I was simply content gaining and gaining but more that I need to actually get my shit together and do something about it. I�ve seen glimpses of this Fat Face today � in the bathroom mirror, at my office, in the reflection of my rear view mirror, and I�m tired of feeling sorry for her. This fat face has still come a long way and although she�s floundering, it does not mean that this is the beginning of the end. I know there is beauty there and just because its being obstructed temporarily doesn�t mean it doesn�t exist. Could I challenge myself to believe perhaps its just the beginning of something wonderful? All I know is that there�s a certain level of discomfort I will allow myself to be in before change occurs. I will repeat myself and say that the pain of staying the same must be greater than the pain of changing, and honey I�m telling you I�m right-the-fuck there! I couldn�t find anything to wear today. My clothes feel awkward and revealing. I really struggled to find something that would cover me, conceal me � and these baggy sweats and oversized t-shirt aren�t cutting it. I�m dead-walled. I�m stopped. I�m facing my biggest fear. I�m gripped with decision. I�m losing it. I�m frozen. I�m ready. Whatever you want to call it, I�ve reached this all-time low again and it feels like shit to be here and I want the hell out. Now how? How now? Same shit different day I tell you I need to shake things up. Join a gym? (Already done that) Try a new program? What program haven�t I tried that�s not a short-term scam (Slim Fast, Herbalife, Diet Center) or one I can�t live with for the rest of my days (Atkins, Weight Watchers, Grapefruit Diet)? Pills, powders, drink fruit juice until you drop 10 pounds over a weekend, eat all the crappy zero-point soup you can stomach and then buy yourself a cheeseburger at 2am (thank God for Wendy�s), gag down protein shakes and long for something made with ice cream, try weird macrobiotic food combinations guaranteed to make you stick with sprouts and soy milk out of simplicity�.you name it and its out there. But what do I (HEATHER) do now? Is it just that I�m afraid to go back to this deprivation that makes me healthy and slimmer? Why be afraid of something that a) not only works, but) is good for you?? IT makes no sense I swear. I make no sense � even to myself. A nice person wrote me and suggested Overeaters Anonymous. I can�t say I was thrilled but I�ve heard it more than once that it not only works but also it might be the only thing that works for people with true addictions. There�s no denying I have one. But do I want to face it? Can I face it? I mean � let�s face it, nothing works unless you make the commitment. And truly I�m kind of freaked about the idea of putting myself in a meeting with a bunch of other food-aholics and then fessing up that I�ve gone so far as to eat pizza out of a box that was tossed in the garbage from someone else�s lunch. Oops, wait � I guess I just fessed up but still. I don�t want to whine. Wait � I�m already doing that. Well Goddammit I just don�t know if I can really commit to being un-addicted anymore. Why? I don�t know why. Probably because I get something from it, comfort? Not really comfort. More like discomfort. So honestly I don�t know why I�m afraid. Why is an alcoholic afraid of being without a drink? Why is a junkie afraid of being without a fix? It�s not hard to figure out that these fears make no rational sense yet there they are � real as day. Somehow I thought I was better than a junkie or an alcoholic�I guess it serves me right for putting myself on any kind of a pedestal. I read a book called the �Anatomy of an Addiction�. Well, let me clarify. I didn�t exactly read the whole book. See, the first part of the book is explaining what happens to the brain when we train it to use food as a comforter. It�s amazing. Over time, addicted people actually change the chemical makeup of the brain that makes breaking the addiction next to impossible. This is why an ex-junkie/alcoholic can look at a picture of someone using drugs/drinking and the old part of the brain lights up with activity. They never get free from it, they simply learn how to control it. It was fascinating reading. I gulped down the first half of the book�.eager beaver. But the whole last half of the book explains how to overcome addiction and how much hard work it is and how rewarding it is. I got through a couple of chapters of this before I put the book down and never picked it back up again. Frankly, it scared the shit out of me so I didn�t finish it. I keep typing (I�m not ready) and then erasing it over and over. Why? Could I possibly not really be ready to deal with this addiction in its true form � an actual ugly, dirty, filthy addiction!!? Re-living this same day over and over is getting tiring�yet I�m the only person who can change it. They say its darkest before the dawn, and right now I feel like I�m grasping at straws in the dead of night. 2:54 p.m. - 4/30/03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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