madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 4/29/03 Well, I survived 4 days without chocolate, but I still found my way to some sort of sugar substance during that time. I had a piece of lemon bar, 3 slices of strawberry tart, a slice of cheesecake, and a piece of baklava in the past 5 days. In light of this, I wouldn�t exactly call my chocolate deprivation a success. We entertained out of town guests this weekend and had a birthday party last night after work for a friend. It seems these situations always require some sort of dessert to be consumed. I�m having one of those days when I feel like shaking my head and clucking at myself. It just seems like such a shame I couldn�t keep the weight off that I lost from being sick this winter. I know losing weight because you�re sick isn�t the same as losing weight through healthy measures, but it still would�ve been nice to keep it off! I�m telling you that I can really feel the difference between 258 and 265. My pants are tight; my shirts feel snug around the arms & back. Its ironic how I can always feel the difference when I�m on the heavy side, and I can NEVER feel the difference when I�m getting smaller. I�ll try to remember this feeling the next time I�m under 260. It�s a beautiful day here today, but I�m walking around kind of glum. I�m very discouraged about my lack of self-control, my lack of motivation, my lack of enthusiasm. Keep in mind I�m not totally slacking off. I promised I would re-visit �Healthville� and I kept my promise. Last week I exercised 5 times with an extra intense, 2-hour session on Saturday. I�ve also been tracking my food intake and calories on www.calorieking.com. I�m weighing myself once a week and taking my measurements faithfully. I�m drinking my water and taking my vitamins. So you see, I�m not ignoring my body or my weight and I�m on the right track. But I�m also not progressing. I�m not moving forward. All I�m doing is maintaining awareness and slowly watching myself gain. It�s agonizing for me to take my measurements and discover I�ve grown another inch bigger. But part of me knows that if I ignore my body or ignore my diet and allow myself to completely disconnect - I will be in big trouble. I just got the �Eating Peacefully Newsletter� in my email box a few minutes ago. I�ve posted a couple of her newsletters on my site before because they always seem to say the things I can�t put into words. Today is no different. She fills these newsletters with incredibly powerful writing and unbelievable insight. I suggest you subscribe (http://www.power-nutrition.com/newslettersubscription.html) if you haven�t subscribed already. To quote a few lines, �Beneath the issue of weight are unresolved feelings of sadness, loneliness, separateness, or pain. Often our inner selves know that dieting is not the solution. A diet may take away the overeating for a while, but it still leaves the cause of overeating. Paradoxically, dieting can increase your compulsive eating and your weight. The irony is that natural weight, real beauty, vitality, health, and energy can be reached only through honest self-awareness and self-acceptance. When we listen to the complexities of ourselves as a whole person, we begin to care for ourselves with compassion, self-reflection, and self-nurturing.� BINGO! I have this �thing� that I can�t put into words, that I can�t name, that I can�t put my finger on. It�s an all-encompassing, all-engulfing feeling of loss and sadness and emptiness that never seems to get resolved. I feed this need with chocolate and sugar and endless slices of pizza until I�m stuffed and my eyes are glazed over. But guess what, I still feel sad. I still feel empty. I still feel lonely. Conversely, you�d think that when I�m dieting and I�m in control of my eating I would suddenly feel better and more hopeful and happy. Granted, exercise does help me feel better, there�s no doubt about that. But anyone who�s read my journal for years can attest to the fact that I�m seldom truly happy when I�m dieting. No, even when I�m dieting I still have this heavy load of loss and sadness to carry around with me and I can�t figure out how to lay I down. I start obsessing about food. I spend so much time worrying that I�m not doing enough exercise or that I�m eating the wrong foods. I start dreaming of things I don�t allow myself to have. I binge in the middle of the night. I get afraid of never reaching my goal. In reading her words, �A diet may take away the overeating for a while, but it still leaves the cause� I recognize myself. I guess for some people, resolving the overeating actually leads to self-acceptance, self-nurturing, and compassion, which in turn solves the cause of the problem. Lucky for them. Through counseling and some objective, professional advice, it seems that I haven�t exactly done that in the past when I was dieting. So its not very surprising that here I am 3 years later still battling the same old issues, still carrying around all this emotional baggage, still trying to fix things with food that can�t be fixed by food. A friend pointed out to me yesterday in an email, �Just keep in mind, maintenance, weighing yourself when you know you've gained are successes in their own right. Denial will add the pounds in no time. It's not as measurable as that scale going down, but it is success nonetheless. Keep it up and it will all click again. But in the meantime, count your blessings!� I take this advice to heart, knowing she is right. I repeat this over and over in the hopes that I will soon believe this is true for me. I pray for strength and help and motivation and enthusiasm and most of all the will to never give up no matter how much I struggle. And until these things are true, I will take the advice of a friend and �count my blessings�. 50 Deadliest Dieting Mistakes 1. Having a negative defeatist attitude. 2. Going on any diet that is NOT a manner of eating that you can adhere to for the rest of your life. 3. Believing that you can eat cabbage soup -- or any other low-cal, but monotonous fare -- every day for the rest of your life. 4. Obsessing over counting calories. 5. Weighing in too frequently. 6. Not drinking enough water. 7. Drinking sugar-laden drinks. 8. Eating more bread, pasta and potatoes than proteins, lean meats, fruits and vegetables. 9. Consuming processed foods more often than fresh foods. 10. Taking the benefits away from vegetables by overcooking them. 11. Not having a plan. 12. Blaming others for your shortcomings. 13. Being quick to judge. 14. Not being aware of the nutritional benefits or detriments of what you consume. 15. Finishing every last bite of a meal, even after you are full 16. Going back for seconds at meals. 17. Eating at "all-you-can-eat buffets" and consuming large amounts "to get your money's worth." 18. Skipping breakfast. 19. Starving all day. 20. Bingeing after "falling off the wagon" and then waiting until "tomorrow" to get back on track. 21. Thinking you are genetically destined to be fat. 22. Not believing that you have the courage to change. 23. Confusing "fat" as a personality trait. 24. Thinking youre unattractive. 25. Not living each day to the fullest... thinking that will come when you are thinner. 26. Wasting time. 27. Not finishing tasks you begin. 28. Postponing tasks that need attention. 29. Rationalizing. 30. Thinking pills, powders or potions are more powerful than they really are in achieving weight loss. 31. Thinking of exercise as a chore, instead of a way to improve your health and your life. 32. Not scheduling exercise as a vital part of your day and week. 33. Indulging excessively in alcohol. 34. Watching sports rather than participating in sports. 35. Watching too much television. 36. Not giving enough time to personal hygiene and appearance. 37. Refusing to read self-improvement materials on a regular basis. 38. Giving up and resigning yourself to being "fat." 39. Finishing the food off of your family's plates while you are doing the dishes. 40. Tasting and nibbling on food while you are cooking it. 41. Baking cookies, pies and cakes more often than for holidays or very special occasions. 42. Always having candy in dishes, supposedly for guests, but eating more of it yourself. 43. Buying unhealthy snack items "for the kids," but eating some yourself. 44. Not having vegetables and/or fruit with each meal. 45. Serving more carbohydrates than any other food group for meals. 46. Thinking that "dieting" sprees -- and not total lifestyle change -- will garner lasting weight loss results. 47. Not visualizing yourself actually living and enjoying a healthy lifestyle. 48. Not taking vitamins and proper supplements. 49. Consuming fast foods on a regular basis. 50. Waiting for tomorrow to "get started" rather than RIGHT NOW! 2:54 p.m. - 4/29/03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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