madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 4/24/03 After fearfully stepping on the scale when my pants felt tighter, I gasped to learn I�ve gained 5.5 pounds since I weighed in on April 5th. Yes, 5 � pounds in 10 days! It is not impossible. In fact, it was pretty easy considering how long it takes to lose those same 5 � pounds. Go figure, it feels easier to lie around eating whatever you want than it does exercising and counting every morsel you put into your mouth. Imagine that! So, before you drop me an e-mail, no, its not water weight or muscles. Its plain, pure, unadulterated fat and I earned every single pound of it by eating like a maniac and not exercising much. My big premise for this gain has been that a) I�ve been depressed and b) my stomach feels so much better that I�ve been rewarding myself with foods I haven�t been able to eat in a long time. (i.e. chocolate, slices of pie, cheese, red meat�.you get the picture) Yes, this would all be a lovely system if in fact I had two brain cells that weren�t influenced by chocolate. There are several issues that don�t really pan out here. First, let�s look at the definition of a reward. A �reward� is actually quoted in the Webster�s Dictionary as �something given or received in return for service or merit�etc.� So you see, rewarding myself with food after an illness that restricted food for me doesn�t really make any sense at all. I haven�t earned any sort of reward based on merit or services. (well, unless you consider pain and anguish a service) And secondly, my so-called reward is only causing me psychological pain and anguish because I�ve gained weight, so it�s not really a reward at all. So what the hell am I doing? That�s the kind of moment I had on Monday when I weighed myself�.a �what the hell am I doing� moment. Anyway, suffice it to say that I�ve been spending most of this week trying get back on the wagon. Luckily, my husband is (finally after 3 years) on a big exercise/eating right/no sugar/low carb kick so it�s not likely I�ll be badly influenced by him to eat that cookie or that whole (why did I do it) large thin & crispy Dominoes pizza. Nor will I be baking anything luscious in which I�ll be tempted to eat from the pie dish in the middle of the night with a fork and a flashlight which has happened more times than I dare to count lately. So unless I want to see a number over 266 on this journey, I�m taking a much-needed detour to �Healthville�. I�ve brought my step, my gym clothes, my boneless, skinless chicken breasts and my weights. Now I�m hoping that my motivation and positive attitude will meet me there and make my stay a little more pleasant�if you know what I mean. Today the focus is simple, one single day without chocolate. That�s it. Because I�m telling you I�m horribly, horribly addicted to sugar right now. I�m perusing office candy dishes and after-Easter sales like a junkie looking for a fix. It�s sad. It really is. It�s about noon and I�ve thought about eating something sweet no less than 20 times this morning already. (I can�t believe I�ve let it get this out of control.) And the worst part is when I can�t find chocolate; I�ll eat anything that will substitute. You�ll see me standing in front of the open cupboard squeezing honey from a plastic bear directly into my mouth or mixing hot cocoa mix with tablespoons of water until it forms a gritty chocolate paste. 2:53 p.m. - 4/24/03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||