madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 4/24/03 After fearfully stepping on the scale when my pants felt tighter, I gasped to learn I’ve gained 5.5 pounds since I weighed in on April 5th. Yes, 5 ½ pounds in 10 days! It is not impossible. In fact, it was pretty easy considering how long it takes to lose those same 5 ½ pounds. Go figure, it feels easier to lie around eating whatever you want than it does exercising and counting every morsel you put into your mouth. Imagine that! So, before you drop me an e-mail, no, its not water weight or muscles. Its plain, pure, unadulterated fat and I earned every single pound of it by eating like a maniac and not exercising much. My big premise for this gain has been that a) I’ve been depressed and b) my stomach feels so much better that I’ve been rewarding myself with foods I haven’t been able to eat in a long time. (i.e. chocolate, slices of pie, cheese, red meat….you get the picture) Yes, this would all be a lovely system if in fact I had two brain cells that weren’t influenced by chocolate. There are several issues that don’t really pan out here. First, let’s look at the definition of a reward. A “reward” is actually quoted in the Webster’s Dictionary as “something given or received in return for service or merit…etc.” So you see, rewarding myself with food after an illness that restricted food for me doesn’t really make any sense at all. I haven’t earned any sort of reward based on merit or services. (well, unless you consider pain and anguish a service) And secondly, my so-called reward is only causing me psychological pain and anguish because I’ve gained weight, so it’s not really a reward at all. So what the hell am I doing? That’s the kind of moment I had on Monday when I weighed myself….a “what the hell am I doing” moment. Anyway, suffice it to say that I’ve been spending most of this week trying get back on the wagon. Luckily, my husband is (finally after 3 years) on a big exercise/eating right/no sugar/low carb kick so it’s not likely I’ll be badly influenced by him to eat that cookie or that whole (why did I do it) large thin & crispy Dominoes pizza. Nor will I be baking anything luscious in which I’ll be tempted to eat from the pie dish in the middle of the night with a fork and a flashlight which has happened more times than I dare to count lately. So unless I want to see a number over 266 on this journey, I’m taking a much-needed detour to “Healthville”. I’ve brought my step, my gym clothes, my boneless, skinless chicken breasts and my weights. Now I’m hoping that my motivation and positive attitude will meet me there and make my stay a little more pleasant…if you know what I mean. Today the focus is simple, one single day without chocolate. That’s it. Because I’m telling you I’m horribly, horribly addicted to sugar right now. I’m perusing office candy dishes and after-Easter sales like a junkie looking for a fix. It’s sad. It really is. It’s about noon and I’ve thought about eating something sweet no less than 20 times this morning already. (I can’t believe I’ve let it get this out of control.) And the worst part is when I can’t find chocolate; I’ll eat anything that will substitute. You’ll see me standing in front of the open cupboard squeezing honey from a plastic bear directly into my mouth or mixing hot cocoa mix with tablespoons of water until it forms a gritty chocolate paste. 2:53 p.m. - 4/24/03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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