madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 4/10/03 Feeling sad today, discouraged. Just when I think I’ve got a handle on my emotions it seems I lose my footing and slip into the old familiar place. You know the place I’m talking about. It’s the place where peanut butter Easter eggs and Oreo cookies magically appear in your shopping basket while you weren’t looking. And instead of taking them out, you let them live there – harmlessly – until they are devoured sitting in the car in the store’s parking lot. I lay on the couch for the longest time last night, in the dark, by myself. I could hear the sound of the tavern’s music below in a deep thumping rhythm that reminded me of a heartbeat. Motorcycles roared on the busy street just outside my window sounding dangerous and angry. Blinking lights from the “Dollar Store” sign buzzed on my living room floor and I followed its pattern (blink, blink, blink) until I slipped into a daze. I thought about life and my purpose and the meaning of things (or rather lack thereof). I fail to see the point sometimes of this existence. Maybe everyone feels this way from time to time, but I look around and see all these people living what appear to be happy, fulfilled lives. Is it an illusion? Am I the only one who shuffles from responsibility to responsibility without ever feeling bright and fearless and alive? I can’t help but notice that my days are filled up with trivial details like washing dishes and schlepping food and wandering through the grocery store at midnight because I feel like I just HAVE to have something but I don’t know what it is. Could it be that what I’m looking for isn’t down the isle of a supermarket? Hmmm.. Caught up in the little things, the details entangle me in a sticky web. I’m a bug whose fear shakes the silk and alerts the spider that dinner has arrived. Why do I always have to be dinner? Why can I never be the spider? 2:53 p.m. - 4/10/03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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