madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 4/10/03 Feeling sad today, discouraged. Just when I think I�ve got a handle on my emotions it seems I lose my footing and slip into the old familiar place. You know the place I�m talking about. It�s the place where peanut butter Easter eggs and Oreo cookies magically appear in your shopping basket while you weren�t looking. And instead of taking them out, you let them live there � harmlessly � until they are devoured sitting in the car in the store�s parking lot. I lay on the couch for the longest time last night, in the dark, by myself. I could hear the sound of the tavern�s music below in a deep thumping rhythm that reminded me of a heartbeat. Motorcycles roared on the busy street just outside my window sounding dangerous and angry. Blinking lights from the �Dollar Store� sign buzzed on my living room floor and I followed its pattern (blink, blink, blink) until I slipped into a daze. I thought about life and my purpose and the meaning of things (or rather lack thereof). I fail to see the point sometimes of this existence. Maybe everyone feels this way from time to time, but I look around and see all these people living what appear to be happy, fulfilled lives. Is it an illusion? Am I the only one who shuffles from responsibility to responsibility without ever feeling bright and fearless and alive? I can�t help but notice that my days are filled up with trivial details like washing dishes and schlepping food and wandering through the grocery store at midnight because I feel like I just HAVE to have something but I don�t know what it is. Could it be that what I�m looking for isn�t down the isle of a supermarket? Hmmm.. Caught up in the little things, the details entangle me in a sticky web. I�m a bug whose fear shakes the silk and alerts the spider that dinner has arrived. Why do I always have to be dinner? Why can I never be the spider? 2:53 p.m. - 4/10/03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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