madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 5/12/03 I finally broke down and went to the gym last week and started weight training. Its something I�ve been resisting, and yet I know how good it is for me. (kind of like sprouts) I know they�re good for me so I dutifully put them on my salad or sandwich. But after the first or second bite when they resemble crunchy hairs crawling down the back of my throat�I usually pick them off. I�m still trying to �choke down� the whole weight lifting thing. It�s intimidating to be at a gym, lifting in front of other people who are hypersensitive of their bodies and consequently yours. Ya, I think its true that most people are just pleased to see fat people actually doing something to try and improve themselves. So in a sense, they have to respect the fact that I�m there at all. But by the same token, I also have seen people checking out my stomach when I�m laying on the weight bench or someone craning their neck to notice that I�m only lifting 5 pounds dumbbells on my triceps. I�m not paying any attention to how much weight other people are lifting or checking out the size of their quads. Why can�t they just avert their eyes and leave me the hell alone? Besides being incredibly self-conscious about my stomach overhang. It doesn�t help that when I�m at the gym, its usually the biggest thing in the room. (besides everyone�s ego) Last night I went there to find a zillion people exercising. Most of the treadmills were taken, and all of the elliptical trainers were being used. People were mulling around waiting for other people to get off the weight lifting machines. There were muscleheads in the back grunting and groaning and lugging big ass tires around a rubber mat. It was all just too much and I turned around and left. There�s no denying that I do better in the privacy of my own home � in front of an exercise video with Kathy Smith ordering me around. I just like my privacy when I�m shaking, giggling and rippling thank you! Eating for me lately has been a real challenge. I�ve started to shy away from my daily dose of chocolate, limiting sugar to a one-time a day event. (usually low fat ice cream with fruit on it) My hubby and I have decided that eating out is allowed once a week. I�ve bought healthy groceries and stocked up on all the good stuff. But dammit, even on the days when I�m eating �healthy� foods, I�m still going way over my calories. Its like I have this mental block that I can�t seem to get over. Whenever I reach 1500 calories (my daily allotment) I psychologically get freaky and suddenly I�m hungry and I feel deprived. I honestly don�t know how I ever did 1500 calories a day for a whole year!?! It boggles my mind. Still, the one thing I�ve really done 100% is exercise again. Thankfully, this has caused my weight to be at a dead halt (although be it at 265.5) for 4 weeks now. So yes, I�ve stopped the gentle incline in the scale. But I�m longing to lose these six pounds and get into the 250�s. I can�t believe how heavy I�m feeling with these extra 6 pounds. These 6 pounds make the difference whether or not I can cross my legs with ease. All the waistbands on my pants are tight with these six pounds. (something I never noticed when I could only wear stretch pants). My collarbones have disappeared with the gain of these 6 pounds. My stomach is bigger. My face is bigger. Yes, the magic number for me is 259 and although I�m extremely uncomfortable at this weight, I don�t seem to have the willpower to stay within a calorie range that will get me there. I�m not depressed about it, at least not today. But I am what you�d call, �beside myself�. I feel like I�m in such a strange place. Have you ever done something that you were really good at and then woke up one day and just couldn�t do it anymore? I mean, did Picasso suddenly forget how to paint? Does a nurse wake up one morning to find she no longer can administer a medication or dress a wound? I sort of feel lost in this way. Like I knew how to do this a couple of years ago, yet now I cannot bring myself to mind the rules now! I�ve been fixing lean meats and healthy vegetables and drinking water. I�m exercising with vigor and I can feel myself getting stronger, my stamina building. I�ve been keeping track of my food in my journal faithfully. But if I can�t keep my calories under control, I�m never going to see any real results in my size. As you all know � maintenance is a skill worth acquiring and I am definitely getting a lot of practice at it! But I just would love to have back some of those things I was taking for granted six pounds ago�..crossing my legs with ease, my collarbones, my thinner heather face staring back at me. In the meantime, I�m going to keep doing everything I�m doing and hope that I can come to terms with my calorie restriction sooner or later. 2:55 p.m. - 5/12/03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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