madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 4/26/02 7 days with no exercise.... I feel like any moment the clouds are going to part, a beam of light is going to illuminate a treadmill somewhere, and a booming voice will announce �And on the seventh day he rested...not HE RESTED FOR SEVEN DAYS - you dimwit!� Then a white-hot bolt of lightening will rage from the smouldering skies and strike me dead for being so lazy... Well, maybe not. But this is officially, by far and beyond, the longest time I�ve been without exercise since I started this diet and I�m trying not to feel guilty about it. I know I needed the break after being so sick this week, but still - tomorrow its back to the exercise grind. Maybe then I can eliminate the terrible visions of my muscle tissue deteriorating, shriveling from my glutes like plums left in the sun to become raisins. I was actually planning on my standing walking date with my friend Anne this morning, but spent a good 6 hours of my sleeping time coughing, awaking from a cough, or trying to stifle a cough. I guzzled cough syrup (the good drug-laden, no refills without authorization-prescription-kind) like it was going out of style. Then, after about 5 or 6 tablespoons full, I realized that I had perhaps taken too much. It felt like something (a leprechaun?) *don�t laugh* was sitting on my chest, and I couldn�t take in a deep breath. Then more weird visions started to happen... I was in the strange half-sleep, half-waking state and all that codeine started fucking with my mind. First I thought someone was standing in the doorway, holding a box, - at 3am. I looked again and it was just a shadow. The next thing I remember is 6 people standing and sitting around my bed with glowing orange eyes and contorted and grimacing faces.... Like that isn�t creepy enough, I remember thinking �okay -if I just smile at them, they�ll go away� and then I felt myself smile. Ewwwww!! The rest of the night I saw weird shit in my bedroom - birds flying from one corner of the ceiling to another, a pumpkin (!wtf?) and then I awoke at one point to the sound of something scuttling across the floor. It just weirded me out. And, all the while, I�m still coughing in 5 minute intervals the entire night until around 6am, when I finally (out of exhaustion and another dose of cough syrup) fell asleep for 3 hours. It was at this point the phone rings and it�s a friend saying he�s calling from jail, arrested for drunk driving. I�m totally delirious and basically tell him we�ll have to talk about it later. (Ya, real sensitive right?) Let�s just say it was one helluva night and I�m looking forward to the weekend. Before I close, there is one other thing I�ve been wanting to get off my chest. Fear. Like a fool, I�ve still been weighing myself the entire time I�ve been sick. The pounds have simply been melting off me (according to the scale) and this morning it was as low as 257.6! Just when I think I�m free from the numbers, that they mean nothing to me, I find myself banking my mood on what the scale says again. And I�m filled with fear. I have this impending doom-like fear that this weight loss isn�t real, or that it was induced by all the pseudoephedrine I�ve been taking in the form of decongestants or that its dehydration from being sick, or (as a co-worker suggested) maybe I�ve been overtraining all this time and my body finally released some pounds because I haven�t exercised, or perhaps its all the muscle I�ve built melting off me instead of fat, or, or, or... I remember when I was 16 years old and going to Diet Center, and a similar situation occurred. I weighed in on a Friday like I was supposed to do, and then went with my friends and did cross-tops all weekend. (a legal type of speed) When I weighed in on Monday, I had miraculously dropped 11 pounds. This was after I�d already been on the diet for a few months & lost that initial water weight too. My diet coach was stunned. She kept saying, �What did you do? How did you do that? Did you eat?� She weighed me and re-weighed me and then called in her boss to weigh me. But of course I couldn�t tell her what I�d done or she would�ve called my mom & I would�ve been grounded for life. Now I�m having flashbacks of that situation because I�ve been taking so much decongestant this past week. What if the weight I�ve lost is only because of that? Will that tempt me to use those pills again in the future to break a plateau? What if it all slowly piles back on because I�m no longer sick and I drag my feet, kicking and screaming, back to my plateau weight? What if I HAVE been overtraining this whole time and my body finally decided I wasn�t starving to death & let go of a few pounds. Should I re-think the amount of exercise I do? What if its all muscle weight I�ve lost? Can you lose 2 pound of muscle weight in a week? What if my body just raised my metabolism to get me over this illness and I really did lose enough weight to prove I�m no longer in that �plateau� range? I�m a psycho. I�m a worrier. Its one of my worst traits by far. When I expressed all these concerns to my hubby he just shook his head and said something like, �I�m not talking to you about this. You know what I think already Heather.� And the truth is, I do know what he thinks. He thinks I�ve been overtraining for months, and its caused me to be on this plateau. He thinks I should throw the scale away. He thinks I�m skinner than he�s ever seen me, and he�s constantly amazed by my strength. He thinks I�m beautiful and sexy and what the hell is wrong with me that I can�t see that for myself? He thinks I worry too much about the numbers, that I need to focus more on my health, stamina, and energy level. I hate it that he�s right. I don�t know. I guess I truly am loony. Because even when Monday comes, and I can actually �officially� report a 1 or 2 pound loss....I probably still won�t believe it. Its been this way all along. When I hit 299 the fluctuations in my weight still took me over 300 occasionally. I told myself I wouldn�t really be under 300 until I saw 279. Then I wouldn�t really have reached my 100 pound goal (at 275) until I was well into the 260's...And when I finally hovered around 265 I still was sure I�d have a terrible binge and wake up weighing 301 again!! What is wrong with me that I�m such a freak? 2:07 p.m. - 4/26/02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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