madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 4/24/02 I�ve had a couple of surprises this past week. First, I got sick with some kind of yucky throat hurting, nose-blowing, coughing, sinus-pressure, headachy cold-type thing. Now, this just totally caught me off guard. Because somehow, somewhere, in the back of my little pea-brain, I had it in my head that I was immune from ever getting sick again now that I was �Miss Healthy Mouse�. Don�t ask me where I got this notion, because my logical mind knows its completely absurd. But truly, I thought it so. I watched as co-workers around me got ill. I blamed it on their nasty diet, their cigarette smoking habit, their lack of exercise. I watched as friends around me got ill and I blamed it on their kids in daycare, their ride on public transit, or their alcoholic binge on Saturday night. But never - NEVER - did I think it would be me dragging my sorry ass out of bed to go guzzle cough syrup and put oily gunk on my raw nose to keep it from cracking a third time. I know its crazy, but I thought - because I lived such a perfectly healthy and obviously privileged existence, that I wouldn�t be subject to the laws of nature! And, for the past 16 months, this has been true....so what did I have to believe it would happen to me? Oh, well...another lesson learned the hard way. I guess I�m feeling a little bit better - hence I showed up for work today. But now I can add �dizzy� to my list of symptoms. A doctor might be called at some time in the future, or not. I�m not very good about going to the doctor... I usually wait until clear things in my body start turning green, or pink things start turning white, or cool things start turning hot.... you get the picture. Speaking of snot - I did lose a pound this week. (That makes 3 pounds so far for April) But I�m surely convinced its only snot-weight. In fact, I�m so skeptical now when I do lose a pound or two...that I always dismiss it. When I stepped on the scale and saw 260, there was no rejoicing or exclamation or jumping for joy. There was only a brief pause, in which I re-weighed, then re-weighed again, then decided it must be a fluke. Picture me standing over the scale and pointing and saying, �We�ll see next week if its still gone. THEN I�ll know the truth.� (I mean, I don�t say any of that stuff out loud or anything - mostly its just me in my head talking.) But honestly, the scale fluctuations have been going lower and lower lately. I�ve seen 258 more times than I care to name. And although 258 has never dared show its face on an �official� Monday morning weigh-in, I�m still inclined to think this is a good thing. But - again - with the �I�ll believe it when I see it� thing. I�m very NOT CONVINCED that this isn�t all some kind of sick joke - and I�ll wake up next Monday to the scale saying 263. 263.. 263!!! Now, onto my other surprise... I evidently have a secret pal! I haven�t had a secret pal since I was in 6th grade. (Of course then, I was seriously hoping it was this guy, Kevin, that I had a crush on. But now, looking back, I realize that 6th grade boys named Kevin don�t send secret pal cards with little presents and candy in it....duh!) But there it was, a very cute cat card adorned with a lovely note saying thank you for sharing my story, and enclosed was a generous gift too. It was just sitting innocently in my �in� box at work with no return address and was signed �Sincerely and as corny as it sounds, your secret pal.� It just blew my mind! You could�ve knocked me over with a feather! I just kept turning it over and over and reading it over and over in disbelief. So, MY SECRET PAL, I wish I could thank you properly, with a personal note or a hug or something as wonderful as what you�ve done for me. But instead I use the written word to let you know how taken aback I was, and how special you made me feel today! Thank you .. :) Now, onto other business... A reader, Kris, suggested to me that I should put up an Amazon wish list on my site. Of course, I would NEVER do this without it being suggested to me....that�s just the kind of gal I am. But since someone thought I needed one, well, I�m all-for making my readers happy! Right? So, if you want to see my current Amazon Wish list, go ahead and click on the link on my home page. And, since I haven�t updated it in a long time, I�ll be going there in the next few days to make some changes. (and thanks Kris!:) So....5 days. This is the longest (in my recollection) that I�ve ever gone without exercising. It�s a strange feeling too, because every day - even as I was sweating and feverish and generally feeling like dog poo - I still thought about it, and I missed it. Now I feel all sickly and watery and afraid that the next time I get on the elliptical trainer the little digital screen will come up with the words, �Please exit machine, weakling.� This weight loss thing has its moments, you know? I seemed to have a lot of those moments last week. I notice when I�m in a clothing store, I still reach for the biggest size. And, I have to force myself to try on styles that I normally couldn�t wear - like button-down shirts and non-stretchy fabrics, and then I marvel when they actually fit. I must�ve caught the attention of a sales clerk in Lane Bryant last week with all my marveling. She finally came over and said, �You look serious!� I told her (with little tears in my eyes) that I�d recently lost some weight and it had been forever since I could wear a style like that, in that size. She immediately got little tears in her eyes too and we just kind of looked at the clothes, at the size, and at me and we marveled together. It was cool. Then I went to Wal-Mart for some cheap workout bottoms because mine are getting too hole-y to wear out in public. They had some capri-style, nylon (non-stretchy) workout pants that seemed like they�d be perfect for the Spring weather and they were only $9.97! When I got home, and tried them on, they were a little snug around the stomach. But they still looked cute and sporty anyway. It wasn�t until I took them off to check the washing instructions that I realized the size: 22/24!! I had evidently grabbed the wrong size at the store without realizing it. You just can�t imagine how much that pleased me. Knowing that I bought a pair of 22/24 pants and not only did they pass over my hips, but they were actually wearable too! AND they were non-stretchy!!! I did more of the marveling...this time in my bedroom in front of the mirror and then later to my husband who was equally pleased. Anyway, between those two things, I felt like all was right with the world, and that my plateau didn�t really matter anyway, and that I was still getting smaller. And no, I wasn�t going to have to re-think this whole weight loss surgery thing. (I mean, not that I was seriously considering it, but at a certain point I might.) And now maybe I could stop lingering at the diet pill section at every supermarket, reading and re-reading the ingredients, contemplating the merit of their claims. Every bottle says �LOSE WEIGHT FAST� or �BOOST METABOLISM!� Which, of course, I do need. And then the disclaimer always describes something horrible that will happen to you if you do take their pills....which of course, I don�t need. Maybe I can somehow bottle up this feeling and make it last. So that 3 months down the road when I haven�t lost any more weight, I pull out this little bottle and sniff it and remember...that I could just *know* in my guts that I�m still doing okay, that I�m not flailing or failing or falling off the wagon... That instead this is all working the way it should be, the way my body needs it to be and I am to be thankful and happy and just stop worrying... 2:07 p.m. - 4/24/02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||