madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 4/17/02 An excerpt from my horoscope for today reads, �In the comic strip �Baby Blues,� the toddler Zoe tells her mother, �My favorite childhood memory is the time you gave me a pony, and I spent the summer galloping through meadows of wildflowers.� The mom pauses a moment, then reminds Zoe, �We didn�t give you a pony, and you haven�t ever galloped through wildflowers in your life. � The wise child replies, �Well, it�s never too late to make memories happen.� Let this inspire you, Virgo. It�s a perfect astrological moment to make up for lost time and atone for your unlived life. I suggest you fabricate memories of events that would have been really fun and interesting. Then actually go and experience them.� I guess this just hit home to me because its been a resounding theme today. My nutritionist, last week, asked me to make a list of goals - ASIDE from weight loss. This proved to me a most difficult task, one that I never accomplished. Every time I considered a goal - aside from weight loss - it seemed completely unattainable, therefore it seemed pointless to write it down on paper. Like, I�ve always wanted to be an artist for a living. Right now, I�m the breadwinner and the stable provider for our family. Doing something like being a painter for a living would require a great leap of faith, followed by multiple risks. I�d need to rent a space in which to do my art. I�d need a loan for supplies. I�d have to quit my day job, which provides insurance for myself and my husband and all his medications to treat his MANY diseases. Its my job that pays for the car we drive and the insurance for that car and the gas. I ask myself, would I be willing to risk our health insurance or the roof over our head, or food on the table in order to pursue that pipe dream of being a professional artist? I can�t help but say no. I don�t know how we�d survive on his minimum-wage job until I created a body of work, found a place to show it, and actually sold some paintings. what if I wasn�t inspired for months at a time and I couldn�t paint? what if I did all of the above and no one bought my work? It was the same for being a professional musician (especially now that I never attained my college degree) and its been a good 11 years since I played on a regular basis. I�d love to teach cooking classes, but I have no credentials with which to prove myself and no idea how to run a business if I did it on my own. I�ve considered writing for a living...but what would I write about? I only seem successful at writing things I know about....which would probably amount to about 1 novel. Then what? So, to even scratch these goals on a piece of paper and give them to my nutritionist seemed more than I could bring myself to do. Hell, just thinking about any of these things makes me really sad, much less writing them down on paper and admitting them to someone. So last night, as I drifted off to sleep, I realized I had nothing to show her today. Why!? Why couldn�t I just be good at computer programming or science or anything that would allow me to safely and securely make money and have security? Why have I always, my whole life, wanted to be an artist, a writer, a musician...things that are nearly impossible to make money at.!?? When I related all of this to her today, about the immensity of my goals and how they seemed completely unreachable and unrealistic...she laughed and said, �Well, I was thinking about something along the lines of writing down things you�d like to do for fun! Nothing quite that big and serious!� (not verbatim, but you get the idea.) Of course, me, the Virgo, thinking all big and serious... Then I read my horoscope which pretty much says I need to get out and do the things that memories are made of...and I realized they are both right. What do I do? I workout. I sleep. I worry about - eating, making the right choices, my weight & not losing any, money and spending and having enough personal time. I cook and shop and clean and maybe once a week I�m lucky enough to have a couple of hours with friends...usually all the while I�m worrying about the food we�re consuming or the alcohol I�m being offered... For so long, this diet has been my focus. I think it needs to, in order to continue to move ahead, remain a focus in my life. But I really want to start incorporating other things into my existence as well. Healthy things for my head, and my body... So I spell out these goals to the Universe in hopes they will return to me: *I need friends, around my fitness level, who are interested in easy-moderate day hikes, who possibly have a membership to the Y & would like to attend some fitness classes, want to learn tennis and/or racquetball with me, like to go for evening walks, (geez this is starting to sound like a personal ad!), and who might be willing to join me in *light* cooking experiments once a month or so. *I want to learn to ride my bike and feel comfortable on it. (Right now I�m still scared to death that I�m too big to be on the road and I�m gonna get ran over!) *I want to paint more. *I want to spend more time in nature this summer than I ever have in my life. *I�ve been asked to play at an open mike at a local coffee shop, and I continue to turn it down. I want to find the courage to get over myself and just play there and possibly meet other musicians! *I want to find a serious walk and train for it, and do it sometime in the next year. *I want to find the bravery to actually write the book I know I can write, then actually publish it. *I want to plant a tomato and herb garden & actually keep it alive! *I want to take more risks in life, in general. So mote it be.... 2:06 p.m. - 4/17/02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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