madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 4/15/02 Today the scale is not my judge and jury. I laugh off at the fact I lost not even a half a pound, and celebrate the 3 inches gone from my body instead. The stares from fellow gym-goers as I exit the shower with a towel that barely covers me, will not be the end of my self-confidence today. Instead I will continue to shower there, until they either get used to the sight of me, or until I politely ask them to stop staring. I will not compare how slow I walk to the quick pace of those lapping me on the track. Instead I�ll remember when I could barely walk at all without excruciating pain and remind myself I�m doing just fine. Today I will not surf the weight loss surgery sites and pout about how quickly they reached their goal weight, and how long its going to take me. I won�t look at the before and after pictures with contempt and jealousy and fear that maybe I made the wrong choice for myself. I won�t re-calculate my BMI and wonder if I could still qualify for the procedure... Instead I�ll remember that I have not gone through the pain of altering my body like they have in order to gain control over my addiction. I have simply used my will to change the course of my existence. No, today I am determined to be thankful for each an every little thing that I�ve worked so hard for the past 15 months. I don�t care how long it takes to �get there�. Besides, as a reader pointed out to me....where is �there� anyway? Is the view on the scenic route actually better than actually reaching the destination? I�m starting to believe this could be true. And I am getting smaller. There�s no doubt about it. Friday, I grabbed a dress out of my closet I hadn�t worn in about 5 months. It was the first thing I�d ever bought with my Lane Bryant credit card, 9 years ago. It HUNG off me like a potato sack. The neck kept sliding off one shoulder, and then the down other. When I sat down, I had to gather all the material into a big pile and set it on my lap. But I was still rolling over it with my office chair. Finally, I ended up putting on my gym clothes for the rest of the day because I was so uncomfortable. I know I wore that dress in November and it looked okay. I haven�t lost diddley squat since November either. So I know I�m just getting smaller despite those stupid numbers on the scale. This is an amazing lesson for me...don�t you know!? The importance of what I�m learning here cannot be understated!! Not only am I learning patience, but I�m also learning that not everything is logical like math. Weight loss is a lot more like the English language with �sometimes Y� and �except after �c�...you know, rules that change and shift and aren�t always 100% true. Math is straightforward, its rational, its sensible, its reasonable. Not everything is an A + B = C formula, weight loss included. Its full of variables and constants and things we can�t even begin to control no matter how hard we try. Coming to this realization on my own, well, this means a lot to me. I know I�ve been told by my friends, my readers, or other �dieters� that plateaus happen to everyone, but these are just words to me. Its taken a long time for me to feel it in my heart that I am not a failure because my weight hasn�t budged in months. (last week excepted) I�ve come to know that I�m still getting smaller despite the scale, and to understand that this journey really is about health - not weight...and to feel it in my bones that its true. Well, I�m not speaking very eloquently, so forgive me. To put it bluntly, I guess I�m just blown away that I finally can accept the fact that I�ve been on a plateau, that I�m not a failure because of it, and that I�m still getting healthier and stronger despite what the scale says. Nuff� said. I got a lot of positive e-mails about my food reviews last week. Thank you for taking the time to write me. I have so many more in my head, but they are (quite frankly) rather boring to write. I�ll probably do it one of these days when I can think of nothing else to say. I joined the YMCA on Saturday. Its was kind of anti-climactic. I�d been WILDLY anticipating this day (100% off joining fees one day only) for a couple of months. But when I went in there, it only took about 5 minutes and that�s it. I�d already had a killer workout in my step class so there wasn�t much else to do. I can�t say that I know how we will afford it. But one of the reasons I chose the Y is because there are no contracts to sign. Its month-to-month, and if you�re having a rough time financially, you can simply *hold* your account for a couple of months until you catch up. I had someone e-mail me this Friday and it said basically, �Thanks for sharing your story. Its nice to know that I don�t have to join an expensive gym to lose weight.� I just felt kind of like a fraud....knowing that I was going the very next day to join a gym. But when it comes down to it - I don�t know if I�m going to be able to actually afford it. With all my financial troubles, this was the worst possible timing. I guess I�m taking a leap of faith that the money will be there when I need it. I also feel willing to give up whatever I can to make it work. Heck, I�ve pissed away $60 on other things, a couple of nice dinners or an outfit...things that are of little importance. I guess I feel that I should be able to find the money for my health, something that is priceless. I hope I haven�t given anyone the idea that you have to join a gym to keep losing weight or to be fit. I did, after all, lose 115 pounds without a membership. But you do have to be creative to stay interested. Honestly, after 15 � months of walking and home videos, I must say that I�m awful excited at the prospect of the swimming pool, varied fitness classes, the elliptical trainer and treadmill, a full scale weight room and racquetball courts. Also a nice round in the sauna and the whirlpool after a workout doesn�t hurt either... :) Tonight is my first fitness class, Total Body Conditioning, and I�m scared to death. I�ve gotten to be kind of a permanent fixture at my Saturday step class (I�ve only missed 2 classes in like 8 months) so I feel pretty comfortable there., and they�ve all gotten used to me jiggling & used to my size. Or at least I�ve gotten used to my size and my jiggling when I�m there....one way or the other. So being in a new environment kind of freaks the hell outta me. New people, new teacher, new jiggling.. But like I said in the first paragraph, today is not the day to feel self-conscious. If any of them have a problem they can look away, right? Plus, I�m there to try and do something about my size and my jiggling and if they can�t respect that, then they can just fuck off. Oh - my - gosh. I am sooo evil. But I just have to tell you. Remember a few weeks ago when I was bitching about my substitute step-class teacher? Well, well, well....guess who showed up as a participant in my step class this weekend? Hmmmm... My guess is that someone blabbed to the real step teacher about how she avoided the step at all costs, kept us running laps, stairs, and doing push ups for two weeks., and then suggested that she come to the class and actually check out how things work. (I wonder who blabbed...hmmm...who could�ve done that!?) ANYWAY~ Can I say that even I - the fattest person in the room - kicked her but all over the place. She started out with one set of rafters under her bench and she was at the front of the room. After the warm up, she moved her bench to the back of the room. I said, �Where do you think you�re going!?� She just laughed and said, I don�t want to be in front now. Halfway through the class, she removed the rafters...and attempt to lower her heart rate I suspect. Towards the end of the stepping segment, she was just marching in place - panting like a dog. And during abs, I looked over a couple times to see her just lying on the floor....still as a rock. It just made me laugh, the irony of it all. And it goes to show that we all get comfortable with what we know, and it probably did her a bit of good to come and work her butt off in a different kind of class....just like it did me some good. My wrist is killing me... All this typing and working on my web page the past few weeks has been murder on my forearms, fingers and wrists. So you�d better be appreciative DAMMIT!! 2:06 p.m. - 4/15/02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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