madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 2/11/02 I�m exhausted. I�m toast. Here at work, I�m one step away from slipping into a deep, fitful sleep...a state which I spent most of the night. It seems I spend most nights that way lately, that is, if I can fall asleep at all. I�ve always been a good sleeper. I�ve never been this way before. Now I lie down at night - at a decent hour - after a long day - and as soon as my eyes close, the thoughts flood in. The daylight hours keep them at bay. But the moment I�m still and quiet, the dam breaks and I have no choice but to listen. I�m thinking about tomorrow, what to wear, what I have to do, my job. I think about today and ways that I fell short, things I could do better, what to change in the future. I worry about my diet, my lifestyle, my husband. I think about feeling alone. I�ve spent my Saturday nights alone 4 weeks out of 5 now. And I would�ve last weekend too if it hadn�t of been for my own husbands birthday party. I feel lonely. I make phonecalls to friends, reminding them that I�m free on Saturday & Sunday nights. I must check my messages 10 times during the day - just to make sure I didn�t miss someone. I haven�t. I think it must be me. I�m no fun anymore. My diet has turned into this all-consuming venture that colors my life. Heather - she used to be the ultimate indulger...the ultimate party-er. What am I now? My neighbor has asked me to go with her for a drink the past 2 nights in a row....of course I say no. I can�t stand the smoke in bars unless I�m getting shit faced. And I can�t get shitfaced....think of all those extra calories that alcohol has in it! A co-worker asked me to grab a bite for dinner on Thursday night too. Again, I declined, knowing that a skinless chicken breast and pile of asparagus was at home calling my name. I just had to be good. So, as I�m tossing and turning in my bed, I start to think about exercise. I search for a crack in my exercise routine...something I�m doing that I shouldn�t be or something I should be that I�m not. I can�t find one flaw. I�m pushing myself harder with my aerobics than ever before. I�m adding extra sessions wherever I can fit them in - a lunch walk, and evening-after-dinner walk, taking the stairs instead of the elevator. I�ve even gotten down in that basement and started doing a small lifting routine - on top of my cardio. And I�ve been doing short little bike rides whenever the rain lets up. I feel like I�m at a loss as to what And so, with much hesitation, I jump on the scale this morning for my weigh in. 260.0 I step off. I couldn�t have only lost a half a pound!! I step on again. 259.5. I step off & on again. 259.5 And again - 259.5. A loss of 1 single, stinkin pound. And don�t e-mail me to tell me how great one little pound is, how IMPORTANT one little pound is, how they all +ADD+ up. I�ve worked harder this past week than I have in months. I�m exhausted, I�m totally wiped out, and I�m hungry. I have very little of a reward to show for my efforts. Hell, I�m sure I imagined the fact that my body shape was changing, my face was changing last week...etc. I went to try on clothes this weekend and I can�t even wear a smaller size because of my stomach. The smaller sized shirts fit great - but they don�t cover my stomach apron. The smaller size pants look good in back & in the legs - but wouldn�t zip up no matter how hard I tried. I went through my closet and tried on my summer dresses - dresses that I was sure wouldn�t fit by this summer - and they were still snug. I�m very discouraged today. I have 8 stupid days to reach my challenge goal, and I�m somehow supposed to miraculously drop 2 � pounds by then. It just pisses me off, because I purposely set the goal low, just so I could make it. And now, even at my 100% best, I�m only losing a pound a week. Is this possible? 1:53 p.m. - 2/11/02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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