madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 2/12/02 I skipped my aerobics yesterday morning. It was a single, defiant �fuck this diet� moment. I was tired all day, but stuck to my diet with much resentment. Then last night I cracked. After a healthy dinner of asparagus & chicken stir fry, I drove to Jack in the Box. In my car, under the red glow of the Jack in the Box sign, I scarfed down a kids cheeseburger, 3 deep-fried cheese sticks dunked in ranch, and a snickers candy bar. It was just like the old days - a car picnic - except I was painfully aware. It was that awareness that made the experience so sharp, so graphic. I cried and snorted my way through the chocolate, gulping the last bites down between sobs. It was truly pathetic. I went home and got ready for bed - shocked that I didn�t even feel particularly full. Amazing. After all this time my stomach hasn�t shrunk enough for me to fill full after eating 2,780 calories in a day. Somehow, the fact that I wasn�t miserably, uncomfortably full only made me angrier. I wanted to feel stuffed, to feel sick. I wanted to burp up bile and run to the bathroom and be made to pay for my sins. I woke up this morning tired, lethargic. I purposely slept through my alarm. I skipped my exercise. I drove to the coffee shop for a latte and cranberry scone - my old standby breakfast. Sitting in traffic, in a daze, I came to a decision....one that would be echoed by an e-mail I would receive just a few minutes later at the office. A very kind reader wrote me today and said basically (not verbatim) �Look - you need to lighten up on yourself. You�re asking too much and consequently your expectations are too high. This is supposed to be about health - and its not supposed to be your own private hell!!� I laughed out loud when I read this. It was one of those anxious, nervous laughs that came out sounding sharp instead of humorous. She was right. She resounded my own decision to give myself a break, and it was just what I needed to hear. A huge burden was lifted from my shoulders. It doesn�t have to be this hard. I�m making this my own private hell instead of accepting and working with my body. Stomping my feet and pushing myself to the point of exhaustion just isn�t going to make this go any faster...the scale was proving that. I had to be patient. So I�ve taken two days off exercise. I�ve allowed myself 24 hours of free eating (starting from last night of course). A mini-vacation. A chance to unwind. A moment to take a deep breath, gather my thoughts, and get ready to begin again... In doing so, the scale is already up 1 � pounds. (Impossible, I know....) But I don�t give a shit. I hated eating all that crap last night. I was just angry, frustrated, and pissed off. I wanted to prove that I wasn�t a slave - that I didn�t have to be. But even as I was choking down that last gooey, sickeningly sweet bite of candy last night, the thought of quitting entirely never even crossed my mind. This is how I know I will still get there - no matter how long it takes. 1:53 p.m. - 2/12/02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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