madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1/29/02 Well, as much as I hate to get so ecstatic about the scale.....I did lose 2 � pounds last week, and I am pleased. My current weight was 261.5 this morning! Suddenly that whole 257lbs by Feb. 16th thing, doesn�t sound so impossible. That�s another 5 � pounds, and I have 18 days left to do it in. (Hmmm....when you put it that way it sounds like a lot.) *thinks to myself - �It is a lot, you dork, that�s why its called a �Challenge�!!* I don�t know, either way I�m just going to keep doing what I�m doing and see what happens. I worked my ASS off this week. Every exercise session lasted at least 45min, and most of them an hour. I stayed under 2000 calories every single day, and most days I was around 1600. I will admit, I was hungry at times. But I never went below 1550 calories though, so I�m sure I�m not in danger or anything. Its funny how the scale isn�t your enemy when its going down. Ya, I had to work my ass off to lose that weight, but every morning when I stepped on the scale - I was rewarded. Its sick, I know. And I�ll be hating that damn thing next week I�m sure... I just hate feeling true hunger. It stirs up fear in me. I spent money on groceries this week that we didn�t have... I start to stock up on food. My cupboards and fridge are jam-packed! Every time I buckle down and get serious about my diet, I always seem to go overboard with grocery shopping. Its like I feel afraid that if I don�t have a TON of healthy things to choose from in my cupboards, I�ll drive to McDonalds and down a Big Mac or something. I know its an irrational fear, but nonetheless - there I was at Winco, Safeway, Trader Joes, and Zupans buying groceries with an empty checking account - - all in the space of two days. I mean, there is a grain of truth in the whole - what�s in my house is what I�ll eat - theory. There are certain foods that are simply not safe if they are around. I.E> Chocolate, cheese, pizza, cornbread, stuffing, creamy-type pastas, cream-cheese dips & potato chips, tofu-corn dogs,... Obviously I don�t keep these things in supply at my house, so I�m not tempted to eat them. But the bottom line is, if I really, really want something - I�m going to eat it, and its not going to matter if its in my house or not. I�ve been doing some web-surfing lately and stumbled across some anorexic sites. (They don�t consider themselves PRO-anorexia sites, but they sure seemed like it. Especially this one site that is currently running a contest where the rules are to see who can lose the most weight by February 28th without dying. - Yes, it really says, without dying...) Anyway, my morbid fascination has gotten the best of me, and I spent a good 3 hours reading message boards and looking at pictures and basically being totally baffled by this disease. Although I couldn�t even fathom where these people are coming from, I had to admire their self-control! I mean - I certainly don�t have the willpower to starve myself to a BMI of 14 or lower... Hell, I�m usually thinking about dinner just after lunch rolls around! Most of these girls (females) weights are in the double digits, and yet they are completely obsessed with being smaller. One woman states, �My goal weight is 68 pounds. I got that low once, but that was right before I was hospitalized..�
Ya, right before she was *hospitalized*.... HELLO!? I just reeled at the mental image of this poor woman, now at 87 pounds, struggling to be 68 pounds!? And unfortunately, there are lots of pictures which provided the prerequisite for the mental pictures... and they weren�t pretty. Lots of ribcages, collarbones, and sharp pointy jaw lines, stick-figure arms, concentration camp pics....*shudder* I really try to be empathetic. Because after reading page upon page of these girls pouring their hearts out about their illness, I realize that anorexia is the opposite side of the same coin as severe obesity. These girls are completely obsessed with being fat, yes, but it stems from them completely hating themselves, low self-esteem, and/or physical abuse....much the same place that obesity can stem from. (Yes, I know there are fat people out there who just love food, and hate to exercise too) Can you imagine the pain of looking in the mirror, at 87 pounds, and still seeing yourself as fat? Wow.. It boggles the mind and truly breaks my heart to see the manifestation of so much suffering. Then I think of myself, at 375lbs, and wonder how my mother felt. Did it break her heart to see the manifestation of so much suffering? anyway... Did you know that there are sites out there dedicated to �eaters� and their chubby chasers? A lot of these anorexic websites link to these super-fat pages as sources of �thinspiration� or what they call �triggers�. Anyway, these web sites have woman, usually, who are purposely GAINING weight for the intention of... Hmmm....well.... I never really came to understand the intention. Except that they have guys who love REALLY REALLY OBESE women and so these women are packing on the pounds to please those men. I was like, �What-the-fck?� PURPOSELY weighing 520 pounds to impress a guy? Whoah.... I think I�ve seen to much. I guess I�ve never really explored the internet. There are some sick things out there man. Some things I just don�t wanna know.... 1:51 p.m. - 1/29/02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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