madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 12/5/02 Stepped on the scale today for the first time in 3 weeks, and it shocked me a little bit. It said 261.5lbs�but of course I don�t believe that. I immediately made my hubby get on it to see if it was working right. He said it was working fine, but I still didn�t believe it. I�m a true skeptic when it comes to the scale now. I never believe it when I lose weight. I guess it would make sense though, the weight loss. I�ve been pretty sick since Thanksgiving. I thought it was the flu, but it kept hanging on. And then the stomach pains came, and then the exhaustion hit. I�d sleep for 12 hours and then struggle to stay awake at work. I�ve slept most of my weekends away, feeling crummy and fatigued and holding my gut in my hands to stop the pain. Then, last week, my gallbladder symptoms starting coming back�one by one. It was freaky, and it totally wigged me out. The chills, light-headedness, and nausea scared me enough that I finally went to the doctor. She did some blood tests to see if my liver and pancreas and kidney function was normal. She gave me some zantac for what she thinks may be an ulcer. I see her again on Thursday to find out what�s going on with me. Losing weight when your really sick just doesn�t have the same impact as when you lose it through hard work and healthy living. Its different. It feels cold and scary instead. I look at my reflection and I see illness there�a pasty white face with dark circles under the eyes that never go away. I wake up tired and go to bed 10 times that. I�m weak, my legs shake after a flight of stairs and I laugh at the thought of exercising. I�m barely able to get through a simple load of laundry, much less a step aerobics session. I weigh less but my clothes fit the same and my measurements are the same�.so you know its got to be muscle I�m losing. My grandmother was moved to an assisted living community while I was away on vacation. I think of her because she was so sick a few years ago, that she said she just �couldn�t eat a thing but a bite of chocolate ice cream every day� she said it was the �only thing that tasted right�. I know what that�s like. After going for 10 days without food or water in July, the taste and smell of food was bizarre. Nothing was appetizing to me for weeks after my surgery. Anyway, this diet of a single bite of ice cream for months literally reduced my grandma to a pile of flesh over a delicate skeleton. Her muscles were sacrificed to the Basal Metabolic Gods, and her strength diminished to nothing. She struggles to hold a cup of tea in her hand because it now feels like a bowling ball to her feeble wrist. Having been overweight for most of her life, seeing her thin is peculiar. Yes, she is a shadow of her former self�but not in a good way. She�s a shadow in the way that shadows are black and cold and always slipping away from light. We�re moving to a new apartment in two weeks, something that I had hoped we would put off until March or April. But Tom was hell-bent on apartment hunting and came across the one of his dreams. There are good and bad aspects�I hate the neighborhood. I hate the fact that I now live above a tavern and beside a pub. Good thing I don�t have alcoholic tendencies, huh! But it�s a huge loft space�1100 square feet, and its only $50 more than what we�re paying now. Its much farther to work, but I can get there on one bus instead of two. It has a dishwasher, a washer and dryer, and we�ve gotten the �ok� to paint the walls whatever color we�d like. The move will be good I�m sure, but right now I feel a bit overwhelmed. I think about how much we have to do in the next 10 days, and I�m not sure how I�m going to manage it. I have friends that will help load & unload the truck, thank god, but there is still so much to do. I�ve been so drained that I can�t imagine packing up everything we own, moving it, cleaning & unpacking. But, I�ve had two good days this week, so that�s hopeful to me. I think the zantac is really helping my ulcer because the stomach pain has backed off considerably. I�m trying not to worry about it, and just do the best I can. Stress is really bad for me right now, so I�m playing it as cool as possible and trying to keep my head in a good space. Wyoming was good, cold and snowy as always. My mom spoiled me a little, which was nice. I need that sometimes. The trip was highly uneventful, and I spent the last 4 days of it sick. Even so, it was nice to get away from my office cronies. I�ve been much easier to get along with since my return�which I�m sure they all appreciated. Well, this is about the world�s most boring post. But I thought I should update so you know I hadn�t dropped off the face the Earth. ! Happy holidays to all of you celebrating around the globe, I wish you all the best. 2:47 p.m. - 12/5/02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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