madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1/23/02 I �officially� weighed in today and you can see the results here. I know, they aren�t as bad as I was making them out to be this week. But honestly, I did see the scale as high as 270 just 3 or 4 days ago! (Of course, it was at night after I�d eaten dinner, with all my clothes on, my shoes, and I was holding a bowling ball....) But still!!
A reader wrote me today and said something that really struck me. She writes, �Control, that's an issue for me. Sometimes i watch friends when we're somewhere with lots of food available. They eat what they want and then move on. but i eat what i should and then think about the food the rest of the time. I know they aren't obsessing about how they wish they could eat more spinach dip, they're relaxed.� I really see myself in there too. The scene is a social gathering - a birthday party, a dinner engagement, a potluck....someplace where the food is plentiful. Everyone is having a great time, chatting, laughing, munching. I stand there in a state of paradox....a state of duality. On one breath I�m answering questions about my diet and how I�m doing. I�m encouraging people who want to be encouraged, and trying to motivate others who want to simply begin their own lifestyle change. I�m trying to convince my friend that step aerobics is fun and we should do it together!...to no avail. But inside my mind is racing. I�ve made a mental list of all the food on the table. I�m calculating how much more I can eat without overdoing it. One more slice of cheese, a stuffed mushroom, a couple of carrot sticks thrown in for good measure. I�m contemplating the effects of what I really want to eat; a mini-chimichanga, a gallon of crab & artichoke dip, two more slices of that chocolate torte... All the while I watch those around me What is it inside of me that makes me obsess? Why can�t I turn that part of me completely off? You know, I think I did turn part of me completely off for a few months when I first started my diet. I NEVER went over my calories, and I ALWAYS did my 6-days of exercise. I lost a lot of weight in those first 3 months too which was a good motivator to keep doing what I was doing. At what point did something inside me give way to my obsession with food? Just as I don�t know why I am this way, I cannot fathom how some people turn their back and walk away from their food obsession - FOREVER. How? What is it inside of them which allows them to do this? Onto other topics...I got my computer in the mail yesterday! Yeah! THANKS MOM & DAD & BROTHER!! :) :) This means that once I get my act together more pictures will be coming to my site. I�ve been needing to update my photo page for awhile now, but I kept thinking - I�ll lose more weight. I want it to be more dramatic. I also kept thinking, I REALLY don�t want to strip down to my pants & sports bra again so people can gawk at my body.... In truth, that�s mostly the reason. But - those pictures were taken 30 pounds ago, and I did promise to post some new ones around Jan or Feb. I guess I thought I�d be a lot thinner by now. My bicycle, a lovely gift from my aunt Lori & uncle Stacey, also arrived yesterday. I haven�t managed to get it up and running yet though. I might be a good cook, a good writer, a good lover (ahem) but I totally suck at following directions to put something together. I mean, this bike was already mostly put together! Yet I sat up for nearly two hours just trying to figure out how to put the front wheel on! (Yes, I told you I sucked, didn�t I!? LISTEN UP!!) So... I should have it together enough to ride by March or so.... Love you all, mean it. :) 1:50 p.m. - 1/23/02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||