madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1/22/01 I�ve been avoiding disappointment by steering clear from the scale. That is, until I broke down this morning and weighed. When the numbers had increased since my last weigh-in nearly a week ago, I felt a familiar cold, numbness wash over me. It�s a feeling much like like stepping out on the porch to check the weather....in itself an act of innocence. But as I look into the sky, I become aware of dark, thick clouds looming in the distance. The breeze turns sharp, whipping my skirt around my ankles like lashing snakes. Branches break free from the willow in my yard and begin their uncharted journey choreographed by wind. It�s the smell in the air, that signals a storm is coming. Its that deep, earthy scent when rain has already drenched solid ground miles away...the smell of earth worms drowning and rotting leaves. It�s the smell that reminds me to be afraid. And so I wrap my sweater tight around my chest, and fold my arms in close. A storm of emotions rage deep inside me - anger, frustration, fear of failing. I step off the scale, reminding myself I�ve been through many storms before, and I know I can weather this one. �But what if you can�t?� the little voice in my head whispers... �What if this is it?� I don�t know what to say. Sometimes I�m so afraid if being this heavy forever, that I can�t breathe. I put the scale away in a new place, tucked under a kitchen rack where it isn�t easily accessible. I go outside, on the porch, and turn my face to the sky. Its grey color has no energy for me, no answers. So I pray for rain. I pray for the dark clouds to burst open and pour down their redemption on me, to wash me clean, to make me new again. 1:50 p.m. - 1/22/01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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