madermouse's Diaryland Diary

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12/14/01

I�m high as a kite right now! I treated myself to a peanut butter TWIX candy bar about 10 minutes ago, and I literally feel a bit lightheaded, a bit woozy. I can�t remember the last time I sat down and ate a whole candy bar - it must�ve been over a year ago at least. Wow - they are potent! But, I�ve been absolutely PERFECT in my eating for 5 solid days, and I was really wanting some chocolate & peanut butter. So I had one.

Speaking of the scale... I was, in my head of course. Anyway - that damn, fucking, piece of shit, scum-sucking scale makes me want to vomit. I�ve been PERFECT for 5 solid days in eating and exercise. How many times do I have to say this - PERFECT PERFECT PERFECT PERFECT!!!! Yet, has the scale moved, even an ounce?

NO!!!!!

What the fuck is up with that? I�m am sick to DEATH of this scale. I am seriously considering throwing it out the window and only weighing like once a fucking year. Okay - maybe once a month. But still!! Is it fair that I�ve put forth so much energy with exercise for the past 17 days and I have yet to see the benefits of it? I weighed 270 on December 3rd......and it�s the 14th!!? Why the hell hasn�t the scale moved? I�ve been doing so good.... boo hoo.

No, I don�t expect a lot of response from you all about water retention, muscle weighs more than fat, NO MOM I�M NOT ON MY PERIOD OR ABOUT TO BE, or how I�m losing inches blah blah blah....I�m just bitching. I don�t really expect comfort, or answers. I�m just blowing off steam about this whole thing.

And I�m just sick to death of the scale. Sick sick sick sick sick of it. I�m reaching my �epiphany� place with this scale....the point at which changing become easier than NOT changing. And I want to change the way I deal with the numbers on the scale. I�m serious. I�m like to giving my scale to a friend for a long, long vacation. I�ve never felt this maddened before, never this frustrated. I know the scale isn�t the only sign that I�m losing weight, but I�m just too big to feel a difference in my clothes (which are mostly baggy anyway). And since I�ve never taken my measurements, its impossible to know how far I�ve come that way...

What to do, what to do... I�ve got to come to terms with this whole scale thing and make a decision as to what I really want. If health is truly the ultimate goal, then the scale means nothing. Of course my fear is that without the numbers on the scale, pressuring me, I�ll just get lax and �maintain� my weight -

Forever.

1:10 p.m. - 12/14/01

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