madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1/2/02 My horoscope read today; �I was invited to a late-night party at a rural estate two hours from my home. At first the trip was simple enough. My host�s clear directions led me through a number of turns down country roads. But the last five miles snaked me through shadowy forests along a twisting, constantly forking one-lane road. Determined not to get lost, I stopped the car every few hundred yards and found a long stick to plant upright in the roadside mud as a marker. I felt like Hansel and Gretel leaving a trail of breadcrumbs through the woods so they could find their way home. Refer back to this story regularly in 2002, Virgo. Your journey will be upliftingly transformative as long as you never lose track of where you are....� And so I return from a similar journey. One that has reminded me of the past, of stories long forgotten, of places I used to go and people I used to see. The journey to my home town taught me to remember where I am, and how far I�ve come...in many different aspects of my life. It showed me how to remember, to be thankful, and how to forgive and forget. To say that I�ve come back changed - well, that would be an understatement. Yet I didn�t travel to distant foreign lands, or walk with natives through overgrown jungle paths, or trudge over icy Antarctic wastelands in search of polar bears. So how could this simple journey to my home town have touched me so? Its simple, really.
No matter where you go - there you are. And that explains the intensity of my feelings. Being in a different environment caused me to be outside of my �normal� routine. I never touched my food journal or tracked my calories - not even once. I ate when I was hungry. Some days I was hungrier than others. Some days I ate rich foods. But I ate a healthy, lean breakfast every single day. I exercised 5 out of 7 days for 30 minutes on a treadmill, but I didn�t kill myself doing it. I ate chocolates....many times. I didn�t drink as much water as I normally do. I ate real full-fat cheese a few times. I didn�t eat one cookie, candy, or dessert during Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. I was me, Heather, in a different form. I was a woman not obsessed, but one who remained conscious. I was a person able to crawl around on the floor with a small child and play...and get up from the floor with dignity. I was a person freed from the self-imprisonment of calories and scales and constant tapes in my head that say, �Do you really need to eat that!?�... It was glorious. I learned a couple of really important lessons over the past two weeks. Both of them, not surprisingly, were with regards to my weight loss. My first lesson was simple, and quick, and came without any explanation. I learned that I am a happier person when I don�t jump on the scale every day...and especially for 10 whole days. The relief I felt was like the weight of 10,000 cheeseburgers being lifted from my shoulders. I never fully understood what a burden the scale has been to me, what a heavy toll it was taking on my sanity. So to be rid of the daily, even hourly ritual of weighing, of holding myself accountable for every shift in numbers....I felt released. I felt anew and giddishly content about it. Of course, my mind occasionally wandered towards the dark fear that I would step on the scale upon returning, to find the numbers had jumped by 2 or 10. I couldn�t help but consider this possibility - but I did so only on occasion, and mostly near the end of my trip when I knew I�d be facing the scale again soon. I tried not to dwell on the thought. I tried not be destroyed by the possibilities. When I returned, and stepped on the scale within two minutes of walking in my front door. The lure of those numbers were too much for me to repel. I just had to know where I stood. I literally held my breath in anticipation of the BIG GAIN....of the disappointment, of the let-down of having put on more weight. But much to my surprise, the numbers were lower than when I had left! And even though it was only a few pounds, I was soooo happy and soooo thankful. Much more thankful than I had ever been about losing a few pounds in the past. I knew that staying off the scale, and still losing weight was a symbol to me. It meant that I didn�t have to worry and stew and fret over the numbers in order for things to work out. I cannot truly express the relief I felt, and still feel by this. Maybe it was coincidence that I lost weight over this 10 day period. But that�s okay too - because I think everything happens for a reason. Even if that reason is simply so that enlightenment can be reached. Then my second lesson was learned. I knew from then on, I had to stop doing some of those things that were making me crazy. Yes, counting calories and 6 days of exercise a week and being a slave to the scale had certainly paid off this year. I�d lost 111 pounds in a year�s time, and it was my driven focus and determination that had got me this far. That�s the kind of energy it takes to put something this huge in motion, to make it work, and to keep going even when it gets unbearable. I honored that, and recognized that it was the only way I could�ve gotten so far this year. I was appreciative. But I knew I had to shift into a different gear now, I had to start doing things a little differently. I knew, at that moment, I had crossed a threshold. Perhaps it was the turning of the New Year, or the passage of a year�s time between the start of my journey. But something inside of me just �clicked� and I realized that this year would be different for me, in many ways. For starters, I�m not going to race to the finish line this year. Now before you think that I�m going to allow myself to fizzle out and start maintaining...hear me out. I had what you�d call an epiphany moment. It was at this point, when I realized that the weight is going to In other words, I need to start living a normal life.....not the life of a woman on a diet. I need to trust that the weight WILL still come off if I live the life of a healthy, active female. I need to have confidence in all the tools I�ve come to use over the course of the past year, and use them like they are part of the life I will lead - forever. Counting every calorie is not something most people will do forever. And, on the exercise front, I also decided that I will have two days off from structured exercise a week. Maybe these days I will go for a walk - for pleasure, or a ride a bike - for pleasure, or play basketball or catch - for pleasure. Maybe I will simply enjoy the extra time I have, and use it to paint or catch a cup of coffee with a friend. But I don�t think that working out at a gym 6 days week is something that most normal people do. I think that normal, healthy, active people spend their free time doing things that encourage their health...like taking a walk. I want to start incorporating those active things into my spare time too, so they can be fun for me....instead of an institutional drudgery which I must endure. If I don�t do these things for myself, I know that I will give up and quit. Look at my journal entries the past few months. They are full of petulance and stomping of the feet and endless boo-hooing and asking why why why... They are fleshed out with number crunching and drawn-out sob sessions that try and explain why 2 + 3 doesn�t equal 5. Well guess what - the numbers have never made sense. I�ve ate tons and lost weight, then ate little and gained. I�ve exercised like it was going out of style and I�ve slacked off a few days here & there...with the same return. I�ve counted calories until my head spun, yet gained a pound from eating the same foods I ate the day before. Nothing has ever made complete sense. And I know now that it won�t ever, and coming to terms with that is going to be my first step towards peace. What I must do is live like I�m going to live for the rest of my life. Not my �NEW AND IMPROVED� life. Not my �HEATHER MADER DIET GIRL� life. I�m going to make a list of all that I wish to be, and then live that way from now on. I�m going to accept the ups with the downs. I�m going to stay off the scale for at least 10 days at a time for my sanity. I�m going to I dedicate this entry to my parents, Vickie & Dave. With one look after laying eyes upon me, you made me feel like all my work this year was worth it. Your kind words of encouragement were more than I could�ve asked for. Thank you & I love you. 1:12 p.m. - 1/2/02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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