madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 11/5/02 The two pictures above are my ID badges. The first was taken April 2000, and the last was taken 3 weeks ago, Oct. 2002. I thought you�d enjoy seeing the difference�I know I did. On another quick note, I�ve put a new recipe in the recipe section. I�ve been obsessing on Eggplant lately after never having cooked with it before in my life. Its like having a new culinary �toy� to play with!! I�m dreaming up all sorts of uses for it. I also ran across a really cute website called �Audrey�s Aubergines� if you want to check it out. Do you ever have those moments in life when you finally truly grasp something that you�ve never totally understood before? I think we all have things that we understand in �theory�, but until its happened to us we can�t truly understand it. It can be a singular moment�something like a mental �click�. Remember the first time you actually understood an algebra problem? That was one of those moments. Or maybe its something your parents told you as a child like, �Don�t touch the burner honey, its hot.�. This is just a meaningless sentence to a child. They hear mommy or daddy telling them �No� and they dutifully obey. But how many of you as children touched the burner anyway�just to find out for yourself? Because I�m telling you, it wasn�t until I touched the burner and was blistered by it, that I had enough experience to really appreciate the truth of that warning! And so, last night I had one of those little moments. To tell the story properly, I�ll start at the beginning. Yesterday marked my 12th, (or was it13th?) day of consecutive exercise, and my 7th day of perfect calories. I felt happy. I was working so hard and keeping positive and banishing all those negative, self-destructive tapes from my mind. I felt good. I hadn�t planned on weighing myself until Nov. 25th, the day I leave for Wyoming. But a little part of me wanted an emotional boost. I wanted to see that drop in the scale and have that confirmation that I was doing everything right. I wanted that hard, fast proof. So I weighed myself. Only the proof wasn�t there! The scale showed that I�d gained a pound. Gained!! I was annoyed, but remembered that the scale doesn�t always tell the truth so I pulled out my tape measure. Hips, thighs, waist, bust�.nothing. I hadn�t lost even a � of an inch! Double GRRR!! Still, I was determined not to let it affect me. And it didn�t�.for about an hour. On my way to work I stopped off at the coffee shop. I hadn�t allowed myself to have my nonfat latte for a week, and decided I deserved a treat. But my vulnerability shined through when I heard myself ordering a cranberry scone with that coffee. I justified it by saying I�d make it up later by eating a small dinner. I really did have the best of intentions, but when I arrived at work, a co-worker had purchased a ham and Swiss croissant from a local bakery for me. It was sitting on a glass plate, steaming hot and golden brown�ready to be consumed. Before even thinking about it, I gobbled it down. And that started the landslide that became my day. Lunch was NOT the vegetarian stuffed eggplant that I had made the night before. NO! It was a small thing of nachos from the 7-11, a diet Pepsi, and two Reece�s Peanut butter cups. (which, by the way, had sat in my desk all week and I had managed avoid eating!!) By the end of the day, I adopted the �What the hell� attitude�you know the one. �Ah, what the hell, I�ve already screwed up so bad I might as well make it a doozy.� So that�s what I did. After all my co-workers had left, there was a leftover croissant sitting out on the counter�. unconsumed. I was on it like flies on shit. Gulp, down the hatch�gone forever. By the dinner hour, I was feeling a little sick to my stomach. But I rationalized the addition of corn biscuits and chicken by saying to myself, �Well � you aren�t going to get to have this anytime soon. You�d better eat all you can now.� So I ate chicken, biscuits, a bowl of cereal & a banana and rolled into bed completely ailing and feeling like shit. I lie there in the dark, alone with my thoughts�and that�s when I had my little moment of clarity. A reader once told me, �As long as you are doing everything right, you don�t need the scale.� I know I�ve quoted her before in this journal, and I thought I understood what she meant by that. But it wasn�t until last night that I had enough experience to really grasp the truth of that statement. Maybe when she originally told me this, I couldn�t fully appreciate it because I hadn�t gone through a whole year of nothingness, or perhaps it was because I am just on the other side of a brand-new epiphany. But whatever the reason, it just thumped me upside the head and I suddenly �knew� that she was without-a-doubt, 100% right. My whole out of control eating yesterday was a reaction to standing on a stupid scale. Think about how ridiculous that is!?! Really � think about it! When I woke up yesterday, I felt like a million bucks. I was strong and happy and good and I would�ve went on to have another stellar day if I hadn�t stepped on that scale. So today I started to think, what if scales didn�t exist? What if there was no such thing as a scale? I would be forced to use my other senses to judge my progress. I would use my eyes to either see collarbones or new double chins. I would use my mouth to know whether or not I�m eating French fries or broccoli stalks! I would use my ears to hear birds singing while I�m taking a walk, or the droning of the t.v. while I�m sitting on my butt in front of it. I would pay attention to how my clothes fit and how heavy I breathe when I walk up a flight of stairs and what my food journal totals were. But most of all, my actions would be my only judge�.not the scale. So if I�m doing everything right, I don�t need the scale at all. WHAT A CONCEPT!! So, in addition to several other mantras that I�ve been tossing around in my head lately, I�m adding this one. �If I�m doing everything right, I don�t need the scale.� 2:43 p.m. - 11/5/02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||