madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 10/23/02 Yesterday was my first counseling appointment. About halfway through the session, she said, "I'd like you to get long-term care with someone who has disordered eating experience. I'm not that person." So, that's my next order of business I guess....finding someone under the umbrella of my insurance that can help me. Not that I think I need a "specialist" or anything. That counselor may have jumped the gun with that. I don't know. What I do know is that it only took about 15 minutes before I broke out in tears while discussing some of my "weight" issues. So whether or not I need specialist is a moot point. Its pretty clear that I DO need counseling of some kind. I'm not sure how I feel about that, but I feel like I'm running out of options...so to the shrink I go. Monday I started my "Thirty Days of Exercise" plan. Basically, I'm really needing to get back into my exercise faithfully. And I know the only way for me to do that is to do it every single day, for at least a month. 4 days down, so far, so good. Its funny how a little bit of exercise does wonders for the mind, body & spirit. No, I'm not suddenly "UN-depressed" or anything. But it feels good to accomplish something I've set out to do, even if its so small. And that has a way of turning down my self-loathing meter. Still, I am just basically going through the motions. You know what I'm talking about. I'm still at the part where I don't *crave* exercise, I'm just doing it like a good girl. I haven't pushed myself to my limit or lifted until it really burned or even lifted a finger to check my heart rate. I'm just DOING it...that's all...just at least doing it. I'm not going to qualify it with stipulations or constraints either. Be it 15 minutes of aerobics or a 10-minute jaunt through the park after work...well, then I've met my goal. And lucky me if I decide I want to do the whole 45 minute tape or tackle the steep hill by the park. That's an added bonus. For now, I think this is a first realistic step towards me getting my shit together. (Well, that and counseling... :) I've got to learn to stop beating myself up all the time when I feel I haven't gone far enough or done enough. Those standards for myself are pretty fucking high if you ask me. And although high standards are not a bad thing (that's what makes me a thoughtful friend, a great employee and a loving wife) - it gets pretty exhausting. And, unfortunately, I'm constantly raising the bar for myself too - higher and higher until my goals become impossible to reach. I have a tendency to do All or Nothing and somewhere, somehow, there's just GOT TO BE a happy medium. And I'm I'll be damned if I'm not going to find it. 2:43 p.m. - 10/23/02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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