madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 11/21/02 Friday is finally around the corner�.I am so thankful. My vacation starts in exactly 25 hours and then I have 10 glorious days of freedom from my job, my responsibilities, from being a wife. This is a much needed reprieve from the daily routine of exercise, sleep, work, cook, chores, paying bills, worrying� Of course I plan on still doing some of those things, but all on my own time�and that makes all the difference! I�ve been a freak lately. Well, not just lately � as I�m sure you all have figured out by now! I�m a freak a lot actually. Sometimes I wonder why I was wired this way�so emotional about everything. I�ve seriously considered taking anti-depressants as a way to deal with my severe bouts of depression, but I don�t know. Most people I know that have taken them say they feel much more �even� and less bothered by things. Some even say they feel �nothing� � neither good or bad or happy or sad. I try to imagine how that would be for me, being unaffected, being indifferent. I honestly can�t believe I could live like that because its diametrically opposed to who I am! But then, as a reader advised me, the best thing to do is to write a list of the things that are making me sad now � take the anti-depressants � and go back to the list later to evaluate. So, I�m writing the list sometime when I have a moment to myself. And I�m talking to my doc about the pills when I get back from Wyoming. I�m nervous, because I know taking those will change me forever. Will it be for the best?? This Thanksgiving marks 2 years on my journey. It was November 2 years ago that I started looking into WLS, that I started my food journal, that I began to believe that I could change my life, my health. I approach this anniversary with so much. I am a different person. I am a changed person in spirit, in body, in mind, and experience. I never thought I�d learn so much about myself by simply losing weight!? That�s a side-effect I couldn�t have predicted. Who would�ve known that I�d be this Heather in 2 years? Who is this Heather and who does she want to be? I guess the New Year is a traditional time for people to take a hard, long look at themselves and decide what needs to change, what can stay the same, and what we have to let go. Without realizing it, this time of year brings me to self reflection because this is when I started peeling back the layers and digging deep for what I really wanted. That bookmarked me (and this time) forever. I�d have to say that (ooohh�.I paused before I finished this sentence�I�m scared to say these things aloud, because that makes them real, right?) there are so many things I�d like to change about myself. I want this Heather to be more settled, less stressed in work, and more content with the things she cannot change. Of course I want this Heather to live the life of an active, healthy woman who pursues physical challenges and succeeds in reaching her goals � whatever those goals may be. I want to take a leap of faith and put my creativity to work for me in the job market�but still have some security with that. Mostly, I want to find peace with this weight loss journey. I can�t face going to bed every night feeling like a failure, and sobbing into my pillow because I�m not 175 pounds yet. I can�t stuff my face every time I feel bad or angry or sorrowful and expect to succeed on this journey. The new Heather has got to � no, SHE MUST find a new way to deal with emotions and food. Because like a relationship gone sour, this love-affair with has become an abusive relationship�.and I�m determined to win! 2:46 p.m. - 11/21/02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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