madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 11/12/01 I am a car, stalled on the tracks barely audible, I hear a train sounding its whistle in the distance. I�m an airplane, skyrocketing to its highest altitude when the engine freezes. for a brief moment suspended in the air, weightless like an astronaut, I am oblivious to the deafening descent that lies ahead. I am a strong, raging river powerful, white water smoothing stones, rushing with confidence towards a waterfall that leads to a stagnant swamp. I am a caterpillar, spun into a cocoon awaiting to become something beautiful, something with gossamer wings that can fly away, something free. That is what I am. The past few weeks have been tough. But I�m sure you already guessed that, from the tone of my entries....or from my lack of entries. I�ve now lost most of what I gained...which leaves me at about the same place I was at the end of October. (101.4 lost) That fact makes me scoff at myself. How silly and unproductive I�ve been lately....wallowing in my own self-pity. Sure, I�ve had a few good days, but mostly I�ve struggled a lot...especially with exercise. And the scales do not lie....I have to exercise to be successful at this. There�s just no getting around it. I�m just waiting for the moment when I�ve had enough of this two-steps-forward-two-steps-back thing. I hope that happens soon. Then it hit me today, while in the shower, feeling guilty about going back to sleep this morning. There is one last thing I wanted to say here. Fred brought up something last week that made me realize that some of you may want to STOP receiving notifications when I update my journal. If this is the case, please send me an e-mail at any time and I�ll take you off the list....no hard feelings, of course! Human nature is interesting to me...endlessly fascinating. I�ve started to notice a pattern between the number of e-mails I receive, and the level of positivity in my journals. When I�m feeling down, the e-mails slow down to a trickle. When I�m up and inspiring...the e-mails come flooding in. (This, of course, is a generalization....not to include a few die-hard readers that have become friends and send on words of encouragement and e-hugs no matter what!) I noticed this relationship in August, when I was having trouble staying on track....and now I�ve noticed it again. Its not a bad thing, just an affirmation that we are all ultimately the only one who can change our own lives. And although we can have the support of our family, our friends, our on-line supporters....none of those people can make us get up in the morning and exercise. None of those people can choose for us the grilled chicken over the fried, when sitting down at a restaurant. None of those people can ultimately make us feel motivated every day, or fight off our depression, or make us drink our water and take our vitamins instead of guzzling soda. Sometimes when I am feeling the most alone....I am the most alone, and that�s just the way it has to be. I can�t look back on this journey and accredit it to others, I have to do it for myself. Its been this way all along. Any kindness, love or compassion from others is a luxury...not a staple. The meat & potatoes of this journey is an unaccompanied trek, a solitary procession accomplished by putting one foot in front of the other. 1:04 p.m. - 11/12/01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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