madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 11/7/01 I saw some pictures of myself, from the wedding last month. What a disappointment. I was sitting on the left side of the bride, and another friend was sitting on the right side. Visually, the picture resembled a slice of pizza sitting next to two celery stalks. You can guess who the slice of pizza was. Its just so damn frustrating to see pictures of me now. I�m still so fat. I mean, of COURSE I�m fat....that�s a given. But I�m still SOOOOO fat. In that respect, not much has changed from a year ago. At least a year ago it was something I just accepted about myself, at least I didn�t care so much. A year ago I EXPECTED to look fat in pictures. Now I look at a photograph and feel a sense of shock. I think, �that�s me?� My mind feels much thinner. In my dreams I�m thinner. In my clothes I am thinner. But I see a picture of myself, and there you have it. Nothing to hide. Its all there for my eyes to see - I�m still sooooooo fat. And so I keep chipping away at the iceberg that is me. The alarm clock rattled me awake, it was 7:15am. I shut it off, re-adjusted the covers, and curled back into the warmth of my bed. And that�s when I heard the voice again. It was my voice - the one that talked me out of exercising 4 days last week. I breathed a contented sigh, expecting the same mantra that I�d repeated over and over to myself the past few days. The mantra was something along the lines of, �Relax, don�t worry. Go back to sleep. You can work out tomorrow. You don�t have to work so hard anymore. You are too tired to do it today....� But that�s not at all what this voice was saying now. I pulled the covers closer and adjusted my pillow. The bed suddenly felt lumpy, wrong. I was irritated that the voice was saying something different today. I was used to the gentle cooing words that soothed me back to sleep... But today the voice said, �You are going to fail if you don�t get up and exercise.� The message was crystal clear, concise, and to the point. The voice in my head repeated itself to my stubborn body. �You are going to FAIL if you don�t get up and exercise.� I thought about it for a moment. Was I going to fail? For so long, failing has just never been an option. I mean, sure I�d had difficult days and the whole month of August pretty much sucked the big one. But was I going to actually FAIL and gain back my 100 pounds - plus some? Did I really want that? I forced myself out of bed, feeling a little annoyed at the thought of failing. Like an automaton, I went through the motions of getting ready to work out. First, go pee. Then find tennis shoes. Look all over house for tennis shoes. Look in closet. Look in kitchen. Look outside the front door for some unknown reason. (hey - I�m still half-asleep at this point) Finally find tennis shoes in the very place you already looked for them a thousand times before. Repeat with socks. Realize you don�t have any clean socks. Dig through dirty clothes basket until you find crispy socks from two days ago.....put them on. Dress in purple shorts and annoyingly bright, robin-egg blue colored tank top that says �Sugar� on the front in silver-glittered lettering. Ignore the lasagna stain down stomach region. Proceed to wipe crusties from eyes. Yawn. Feel sorry for yourself that you have to exercise or you are going to fail. Drag out stepping bench that smells like dog. (NO! I don�t know why it smells like dog. I don�t even have a fucking dog. That�s what I get for buying something from Goodwill.) Fish through step aerobic tapes to find least annoying one. Realize that they are all annoying in some way. Feel sorry for yourself that you have to pick least annoying step aerobics tape because you have to exercise or you are going to fail. Put tape in VCR in a pouty, petulant, child being told she must pick up her toys before she can go outside and play kind of way. Stomp around living room while �Safe stepping techniques� are explained for the thousandth time. Use least amount of enthusiasm when mimicking instructor on tape. Intentionally don�t extend arms all the way, or perform any of the �suggested advanced� moves. Occasionally stall by taking excessively long drinks of water. Wipe sweat from brow in exaggerated, dramatic way using the entire forearm. Stop tape just short of the stretching routine....ignore instructor�s advice to �Be safe and stretch before you end your workout.� Turn off VCR. Put away dog-smelling stepping bench. Sit on couch and secretly feel good about yourself that you had to exercise for 45 minutes or you are going to fail. 1:04 p.m. - 11/7/01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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