madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1/11/02 Man, when I�m feeling good - I�m feeling good! I really pushed myself in my workout today and I think it elevated my mood. After all those years of doing drugs to get high, I would�ve never imagined that exercise would be my final frontier... In fact, I used to hear people say �I�m high on life.� or �I�m high on health.� and I�d smirk and laugh at their pathetic selves. Ya, right, HIGH on health!!! I�d say....while smoking another joint or brewing mushroom tea or dropping another hit of acid... It makes me feel a little old to be on this side of the fence....but I�m finally finding truth in those words I used to think were just a geek�s crock of shit. My, what a long strange trip it�s been... :) I went for a little night time bike ride last night....it was pure heaven. The moon was so bright and the streets were quiet. I pedaled my way through neighborhood houses, passing warm living rooms and smokey chimneys and tall strong trees. The air was chilly - so I didn�t ride very fast. It was nice and easy going past the park where the swings longed for the weight of little children, and the merry-go-round sat uncharacteristically still. I rounded corners and hit bumps and pumped hard up little hills and only when the cold air began to sting my eyes did I find my way home again. Somewhere in that ride under the stars, I came to understand my complacency with my diet. Its not that I don�t want to lose more weight and be thinner and healthier - I do. But I�m not so unhappy, so uncomfortable that I want to crawl out of my own skin anymore. I used to feel like that every day. Now I go into a restaurant and slide comfortably into the booth, I sit in the theater for 3 hours without hobbling out from back pain, I can find something to wear in any fat-lady store I come to, I can walk/run through the airport to catch a crunched-for-time flight, I can feel pretty again. And so there it is - the truth of my complacency. I�m no longer a monster in my own eyes, or in the eyes of others. For the first time in awhile, I don�t feel the appalling stares of those around me in the grocery store, at the coffee shop, in the library. I�m not always the biggest person in the room anymore. I�m not a freak. Remember in the beginning of this journal, I said that in order to change your life, the pain of staying the same has to be greater than the pain of changing. And so I reach a place where I�m no longer in that kind of intense, soul-knawing pain anymore. But, of course, my mind knows that I still have so many things to experience in life and I won�t be able to do those things at this size. Which is why I need to just go through the motions for awhile until it becomes satisfying again. I know that my journey is but halfway over, and I cannot just stop now and say �good enough�. My heart knows that it isn�t good enough for me. I tell people this who are just starting out and they ask me, �How do you stay motivated to do it every single day!? I just don�t feel that motivated.� The answer? Some people But the bottom line is that I don�t feel motivated every single day. As you well know, there are some days that I give into my laziness, my depression, my desire to eat. And there are days when I don�t feel like watching what I eat or exercising - but I go through the motions anyway. Because even when my heart isn�t in it, it perpetuates the good stuff. Halfway through my day I�ll look back and realize that I�ve done well, and I�ll feel proud and thankful. Then I suddenly my heart is in it. See how that works? So think about this, as you teeter on the edge of choice. It is just as powerful for you to go through the motions of health, and soon your heart will follow. I promise. 1:14 p.m. - 1/11/02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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