madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1/8/02 I was blown away by the response I got from my last entry...you guys kick ass! :) Thank you for having more confidence in me, than I have in myself. Sometimes I need a good dose of other people�s strength. Today�s been one of �those� days. I�ve sat around all day muttering under my breath about my co-workers, my job in general, my hair, my food, my husband, my friends.... Then said to myself, �Hey - wait - maybe its me!?� Wow -maybe its me with the problem instead of the rest of the world being fucking annoying... What a concept!? I also made a realization today about my depression and my food intake. I learned that I do So far, I�m doing okay. I slipped Tuesday night and chose to eat a whole order of fries (dunked in ranch dressing, of course) along with a grilled bacon & turkey Monterey sandwich....ug. But aside from that I�ve exercised each day, and I�ve eaten very healthy and light since Monday. I�m not sure why I chose to eat those fries or that sandwich - when I�m really trying to be good. But, as a reader pointed out to me recently, once I make the decision to eat something I need to just enjoy it and let it go. Then I need to get right back on track the next meal. So....I�m taking her advice. I just hope I don�t have to take it too often. This weekend should be good, exercise-wise. I have my step aerobics class on Saturday, which always is a good, strong workout. And Sunday I�m planning on going on a hike with some friends...an adventure I�m a little nervous about taking. I mean, as I pointed out to my friend when she invited me to join her, I still weight 265. (Hopefully I still weight 265, not 268, 270, 272....arrrgg! I miss my scale!) But anyway, I always think I�m in such good shape until I get around normal, healthy people. I walked with a friend a few blocks from the car to a store and I practically had to run to keep up. I had a beer a month ago with my neighbor and on the short 4 block walk home from the bar I just about died. I mean, he�s taking normal strides and talking about stuff....and I�m like struggling to keep his pace and I�m panting like a dog - unable to contribute to the conversation. I hate feeling like that. It reminds me of being a kid, or being in high school gym class. I always sucked and was never good at anything athletic -even on the few So, I�m hoping this hike is actually something good for my health - as well as my head - or I�ll be pissed about taking that chance. The last thing I need is to be humiliated in front of my friends, gasping for air while everyone else is standing around without a single bead of sweat on their brow. Or worse - that I get to the site of the hike and realize that I could go up the trail - but I�d most likely fall and break my ankle on the way down. I don�t think that normal-sized people realize what its like to go DOWN a hill when you�re really fat - it sucks!! It�s a snowball effect. At first you take little baby steps and dirt sort of crumbles under foot.... then gravity forces the baby steps into normal-sized steps and dirt clods and rocks are giving way under your weight... and then before you know it you are practically running (without wanting to) down the stupid hill and there�s no way to of stopping except to fall on your ass... or latching onto a tree branch or shrub. I�ve done this a few times...this I know from experience. Hence, when I was in college and weighed about 230lbs, I quit going on hikes for this very reason. Now, at 265lbs, I�m praying that I have a little more muscle in me than I did then. Who knows. I guess the moral of the story is that I�ll bring a good book with me in case I go there and end up having to sit at the bottom & wait for the normal people to finish. At least I�m taking a chance, right? I can�t wait for my computer to show up....I have so many things to show you guys. My mom found my old �before� & �after� pictures from my Diet Center days, when I was sixteen. I can�t BELIEVE how thin I was!! It blows my mind.! I look at those pictures and I simply don�t recognize that girl. Mom also found some more I feel fatter these days. I mean, my clothes fit more snugly than I remember them.... (or is it my imagination?) Honestly, not having a scale is a huge relief to me. It feels good not to be obsessing over it every second of the day. But then I worry. What if the 21st comes and I�m back up to 270 or some God-awful number? I haven�t been perfect lately, and I still haven�t been journaling my food intake... Bottom line is I�m scared. I don�t like being scared and in doubt either. And, the worst part, is that I got a note from my website provider which stated my website will be unavailable starting 6am Jan 21st through Jan 23rd. This means, if I weigh on the 21st I won�t be able to share it with you guys for three days!!?! And I really don�t think I can ask my neighbor for the scale earlier, or she�ll think I�m a nutcase. Scratch that. She probably already thinks I�m a nutcase...! 1:13 p.m. - 1/8/02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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