madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 10/16/01 I�m back! The coast was amazingly beautiful, as was the wedding, and the food, and the beach house, and the friends... I had so much fun on Friday night that my cheeks hurt from laughing when I went to bed!! (That hasn�t happened since I was in college on one of my 2-day mushroom trips ahhhhh.... psychadelics.....I miss those...) So ANYWAY, I had a wonderful time and didn�t even over indulge at all. I ate a single plate of barbequed food, and two bites of cake - literally two bites. The wedding cakes weathered the trip in the car beautifully, and tasted moist & not-too-sweet. I decorated them with fresh Heather flowers and Fall leaves, and I heard lots of raves about it. Most importantly, to me, was the bride and groom were very happy with them. I had a single glass of champagne during the toasting ceremony, but no more alcohol. That evening I forwent the snacky chips, dip, crackers and cookies, and made a carmelized onion-pumpkin soup for everyone, and served it with a salad of baby herb greens and crusty bread. It was pretty good for just having to work with what I had available to me, spice-wise. The next morning, without hesitation, I was off for a brisk sandy beach walk. With the unbroken sound of waves breaking apart on the shore, and the foggy sea mist at my back, it was one of the best walks I�ve ever taken. And when I came back, 45 minutes later, I was drenched in sweat and my glutes (sp?) were on fire!
That night, back in Portland, I met everyone at a local tavern and danced until the music stopped and last call rang out. And with the exception of a glass of hard pear cider, I drank water most of the night. I had a really good weekend, and I feel good to report that I actually lost pretty well this week. I now weigh 279lbs, just 4 pounds away from 100lbs, and my goal for Nov. 1st!! I hope I can make it! I did realize something this weekend, while away out of town. You see, I forgot my food journal at the office on Thursday night, and never went back & got it until Monday morning. This is the first time since my journey that I�ve totally disregarded my journal. So, anyway, I realized that when I didn�t have my journal, I actually listened to my body more. Instead of just adding up the calories and figuring out how much more I had to eat, I listened for that hunger signal. Example: After the cake cutting ceremony, I served cake to everyone and then sat down to a plate of my own. I took a bite, savored it, but realized that I wasn�t even hungry. But I took another bite anyway, thinking, �Its time to eat cake now....so eat it!� After the second bite I thought this is ridiculous! Why was I eating cake when I wasn�t even hungry? My mind tried to rationalize it by saying, �If you don�t eat it now, it will be all gone, and then you won�t get any!� I thought about this and recognized how absurd this was. SO WHAT if all the cake was gone and I didn�t get any!?!? How much cake have I eaten in my life? How many cakes will I make and eat in the future!? Two hundred, three hundred? What difference does this really make? And then, my thoughts turned to the October Challenge. I thought of all of you, and how so many of you joined me in trying to make good choices this month. And there was no reason why I should be stuffing my face with cake when I wasn�t hungry, only to disappoint myself and others when November 1st rolled around. And so I stopped. I put my plate down, offered what was left to one of the kids running around the wedding, and walked away from it. I don�t DO that anymore. I can�t do that, I don�t want to do that anymore. That�s not me. So the rest of the weekend I really listened to my body. I heard my thirst signal, I heard my hunger signal....I heard my �stop eating I�m full� signal. And I realized just how often it is that I ignore these signals - even now! There are so many days when I get home and I�m not particularly hungry, that I cook and eat a full dinner anyway. There are also days when I calculate my calories, and realize that I still have 100 calories to go before I reach my maximum.......so I go and eat something!! That�s kind of screwed up, don�t you think!? So part of my new tactic for the next few weeks is to really concentrate on my signals. That also means that when I�m hungry, I need to eat - even if I just ate a few hours prior. (Of course not my HEAD hunger, but my actual BODY hunger I�m listening to) For those of you who�ve been reading for awhile, I wanted to tell you that my hair isn�t falling out as much. (Hence, the reason I haven�t been bringing it up every two seconds here) Now I�m starting to wonder if my hair falling out wasn�t DIRECTLY related to my diet? I know it happens to people who�ve had the gastric bypass surgery, when they dramatically drop hundreds of pounds in a short period of time. Maybe something similar was happening to me? I don�t know, but I�m finding less and less hair on my pillow, shoulders, in the tub, in my husband�s soup....so something is changing. Probably because the weight isn�t coming off as fast now. Anyway, the threat of being a thin, but bald woman is somewhat lessened now. Say Amen, now....one less thing for me to deal with in life - at least for the moment anyway. Now, to close the world�s most boring entry, I�d like to end by sharing this with you. Saturday night a friend of mine, whom I haven�t seen for about 8 months, came into the bar. I was sitting at a booth with 3 other friends. He and his girlfriend (who I also know well) stood in front of the booth and said their hellos by warmly hugging the friends.....except when it came to me. They both made very brief eye contact with me, and she gently nodded. Then they moved to the next table. This kind of took me by surprise, because I used to be pretty close to him - we used to play in a band together. And although I�ve only spent time with his girlfriend on a few occasions, we had some pretty in-depth conversations. So I was a little taken aback that I didn�t get more than a simple nod. A few minutes later I cornered her near the bathroom and said, �Hey! I didn�t even get a hug from you!� The look on her face was classic. She said, �Heather!? - Omigosh, I didn�t even recognize you!! I thought you were one of Krystee�s friend�s, Anna...� Then she gave me a huge hug, dragged me over to her boyfriend, who also said he didn�t recognize me and followed suit with the hugging. That was the best feeling in the world, not having been recognized. I can�t tell you how much that meant to me, how genuine a compliment that was. Because when I look in the mirror, I see the same person every day. And I don�t see all the little changes that add up to who I am now. And some days I even wonder if this has all been a dream, and I�ve been asleep for a year, and I�ll wake up at any moment still fat. 12:59 p.m. - 10/16/01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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