madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Seven Year Itch Its been seven years since I started my first food journal. Tonight I read my old journal from December 2000 � and it just about broke my heart. Of course I thought of this online journal, and all those who followed my journey. So here I am. Even though I said in the last two posts that I was back up to 375lbs - the truth is that I didn�t weigh myself for about 1 � years, and I just assumed I was at my highest weight. Feeling miserable has a way of making truths out of falsehoods. Heck, even at my all-time lowest weight, I had trouble seeing that I was thinner! I think its called body dysmorphic disorder or something � it can happen to bulimics and anorexics and even those who perform excessive cosmetic surgery on themselves because they are never quite �perfect� enough. For me, I remember this feeling starting a long time ago. When I was a little girl, I remember losing like 40 pounds because of hepatitis. Everyone was freaking out at how skinny I was. My mom went out and bought me a bunch of new clothes as incentive to stay thin � or as a celebration � I don�t know which except I do know she kept saying how cute I was and how I needed to stay thin. But I remember staring in the mirror and wondering what all the fuss was about. I still looked fat as ever. In adulthood, I learned the power to IGNORE. A blessing and a curse indeed. After my little nervous breakdown, I learned that ignoring the pounds creeping on was the only way I was going to stay alive � and not go jump off a bridge somewhere for being so lame. Ignore mode was a blessing that kept me alive for quite a few years. But lets face it - I�ve been on IGNORE mode for quite some time now, and reality has been shaking me out of my lovely dream quite loudly lately. For instance � Last Sunday my hubby and I waited in line at a popular breakfast spot for 45 minutes for a table. When the waitress finally came, she lead us to a small table for 2, cornered between a wall and another table filled with people. There was NO WAY IN HELL that I could sit there. The awkward moment turned into a long, excruciating pause while the waitress waited for me to take my seat. Yet I stood there frozen, unsure of how I could gracefully turn into a puddle on the floor and ooze out the door without anyone noticing. Finally my hubby said, �You know � this table isn�t going to be comfortable for us. Is there another place to sit?� I thought I would die right there, but then she called the manager over to loudly explain the situation while all the diners in the vicinity turned to listen and see what was going on. Aside from wanting to pound the little twit for not being aware enough to seat us at a table that would accommodate, I was boiling with humiliation. These incidents have been increasing lately in my life. My last trip to The Avenue to buy a few summer clothes left me feeling emotionally raped. Sure, they make a bathing suit big enough for someone my size to wear, but who would DARE wear it in public at my size!!! Anyway � the point is that I�ve been on ignore for quite awhile. Earlier this year I felt like I was ready for change, and I did make some small changes. And I maintained my weight of 347 for almost two years. But this May I started feeling blue again. For those that know me, depression is a dreary song in my head that keeps replaying, no matter how hard I try to drown it out. I�ve been doing really well for the past 2 years since I opened my business, but for whatever reason, I felt it wash over me really badly in February and I�ve been struggling with it ever since. Which leads me to the 7 pounds I�ve gained since February � and now I�m at 354lbs. Those seven pounds have caused me so much emotional and physical grief. My clothes don�t fit right, my feet hurt, my stomach is almost touching the steering wheel again!! GRRrrrrrr� And with the weight gain, comes the feeling of failure, and the depression resurges and I just hold on to the thought that this will all be over soon. The pain of staying the same must be greater than the pain of changing. I still think of those words, and they are starting to make real sense to me again. The bigger I get, the smaller my world gets � and I hate feeling so trapped. I don�t want to wait another 7 years to find the motivation to change!! And I truly don't want to actually, truly, for real, see 375lbs again!!! 9:04 p.m. - June 24, 2007 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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