madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- New Year's Resolutions & Bags of Sh*t Another new year. Another rash of dieting blogs & websites will flood the internet. Another new ambitious journey for those of us who struggle with our weight. Another chance for promises kept and broken. I am among them, as you probably are. This blog is neglected, I know. But so am I. So its reflective of me � which is all I ever wanted it to be. I don�t know why the new year seems to be the time for re-birth. I guess it is ingrained in all of us, the beginning of something marks change. The view from my world right now is beginnings and endings both. This January will mark 15 months since I started my new business. And boy do I feel successful. Not rich, not famous, not with money falling out of my ass or anything!! LOL! But just to be here, still operating, still making a living, still cooking and doing what I love�..man, I feel blessed. I can�t imagine going back to work for anyone else again. I love being that dead tired at the end of my 60 hour week�knowing it was all to build something for myself and my family. Its like I�ve handmade Black Radish, brick by brick, and now I�m able to finally stand back and see a frame & a structure and a roof and if I just keep going and working hard, someday I will have house � safe and warm and all mine and made from my sweat and ingenuity and passion for what I do. But oddly enough � in all this success � this is where I announce my ending. All my energy the past 15 months has been spent making Black Radish a reality for me. This has been a great excuse for me to ignore my body, exercise and eating right. I have not allowed time for myself at all this year � in fact I finally broke down and got my first haircut in 12 months!! I have gained this year�.really gained. I�m back to my old weight of 375 and truthfully, I�m afraid to get on the scale to see where I really am. I�m judging by my fat clothes, the way I feel, the limitations I�m experiencing again, and the reflection staring back at me in the mirror. So while I will continue to flourish in my business, to grow and prosper and continue doing what I love for a living � I will also make time to take care of my body. Sometimes I feel like my body is just a sack that I carry around all my shit in. Literally. But the truth is, I will be nothing without the cooperation, nourishment, replenishment, and health of my body. I do have a plan too! I started journaling my diet about a week ago. And while its true, I don�t eat large quantities of anything � I do eat little bits all day long. And not healthy bits like carrot sticks and a handful of almonds or a banana. Its actually quite disturbing when I realized I hadn�t eaten a single vegetable or fruit for 4 days straight. Not to mention that I�m only drinking 3-4 glasses of water a day, not exercising (except the physical labor part of my job), and to top it all off � about 50% of what I eat is bread and cheese. The other 30% is sugar. Yep, sweets. In fact, in looking at my diet journal, it is shocking to see how much sugar I eat in a day. Some days I�ll have 3 or 4 sugary things, and no real food to speak of. I am addicted to sugar like crack. Its bad. And I tried to go cold turkey with sugar about a month ago, I freaked out after the second day. And by freaked out, I mean that I was pacing the living room, feeling like I was either going to cry or explode in anger. Went to bed that night, tossing and turning. Lied awake at 3:00am for almost 1 � hours until I got up, ate some jelly, and within 5 minutes fell asleep peacefully. Ya folks � that�s how addicted I am. Pathetic, I know. But � I have made some good changes already since October. Along with positive daily affirmations and Chinese herbs, Acupuncture has allowed me to see progress in my health. Now if I just get my diet straightened out and add a little bit of exercise, I think I�m on my way to being a pretty happy person. I don�t want to be one of those �Jump on the New Year�s Resolution� bandwagon people, I really don�t. After all � I lost all that weight nearly 5 years ago, and its taken 5 years to put it all back on. I�m not the glowing representation of weight loss success stories. But its always there, always on my mind, always present. There is never a day that goes by I don�t think about my weight, feel my weight, or hate the gravity of the situation. I haven�t forgot about this sack I carry all my shit around in. Just sometimes I wish I could. 4:21 p.m. - January 01, 2007 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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