madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- loathing Loathing. Defined by Webster�s dictionary as: �hate coupled with disgust�. As reader Jen commented yesterday, I am full of self-loathing and it shows. Ya, well....I�d say that�s true. When I see myself in the mirror, I feel hate coupled with disgust. When I get on the bus and everyone else is bundled up in sweaters and jackets and I�m sweating in a t-shirt, I feel hate coupled with disgust. When I�m alone at night, stuffing my face in anger, all-the-while knowing it�s only going to make me fatter...you guessed it, I feel hate coupled with disgust. I think self-loathing is a perfect word for how I feel about myself, my weight, my looks, my actions, my lack of willpower. Because to love myself despite these hideous flaws...that would be acknowledging that it is okay to be so flawed. Right? And we all know that it is NOT okay to be this fat. It is NOT okay by society�s standards, by doctor�s standards, or even by my own standards. So, I cannot feel anything but self-loathing or pity....and who wants to feel sorry for themselves all the time? I mean, logically I know that everyone has flaws � we are all human. But why do I hate my own flaws so much? Why do I feel that my flaws are so invalidating, so demeaning? Is it because I wear my fat flaw around for the whole world to see? I mean, I have all sorts of flaws that very few people know about. Like � I�m terrible at word problems and geometry. I am very uncoordinated and couldn�t put together anything from a set of instructions. I�m not a good map reader. I forget people�s names moments after I�m introduced to them....and then forget still after I�ve met them 4 or 5 times! I have really stinky feet (even though I wash them everyday). I have tons of flaws, like everyone. I�m sooooo far from perfect its not even funny!! And I don�t sit around and beat myself up about not being good at math or having stinky feet!! Why are all the flaws surrounding my weight so magnified? Why am I so hyper-focused on how I�ve failed or how I haven�t lived up to my own expectations when it comes to my diet or my weight or how I look now that I�ve gained weight? And how to I start to change how I think and react regarding my own body? One reader suggested that I begin to accept my body, to live IN it presently, instead of seeing my body as a negative force against my mind. But how? Separating my mind from my body gave me the courage to continue living when the world beat me down. All these years I�ve been the same person inside, despite how fat or thin I�ve gotten. I held on dearly to my mind � because I knew that I was a good, loving person inside. I was an artist, a poet, a writer, a cook, a flautist, a good listener � I was all of these things. But what do people see when they look at me at 375 pounds? People speak volumes with their eyes. Often, their eyes turn downward as they pass me. They shift away uneasily. They stare in horror or fascination. No, the world has pretty much passed their judgment on me and my fat. And its in my mind that I remind myself that my body is not the manifestation of who I really am. I just re-read that last statement. And if it is true, then where does the self-loathing begin? Ug. I�m done talking about this today. I�ve been solidly angry for 3 days straight and it�s getting old. At least today I�ve done a few things on my SED plan....drank my water, took my vitamin, had a healthy lunch and there�s still a small hope for the rest of the day. Yesterday I did do my 10 min walk and had a healthy breakfast & lunch. (Nevermind I blew it last night with 2,000 calories worth of dinner and snacks) But the point is that at least I�m not throwing in the towel completely. I hope you have a nice weekend. It�s Rose Festival here and things are happening. Although I�d never in a million years go to the parade...I could go see a film on Bukowski�s life (he�s a poet that I love). The art museum is showing Rau�s collection, and The Voilent Femmes are playing downtown on Saturday night for $5 bucks! I would do all of these things, but I haven�t been able to find a friend to do any of them with. And last week I dragged my butt to the firework show downtown by myself and it just wasn�t the same. There was no one to �ooohhhh� and �aahhhhhh� with. I think now I know why lonely people talk the ears off of anyone who is polite enough to listen. 2:59 p.m. - June 11, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||