madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sed Plan - F*ing Day #16 (sort of) SED Day #16 �For the first time in more than two years, I feel like I�m on the road to recovery. I feel like I�m changing the focus from weight loss, to just letting the small healthy things add up until I am a big culmination of those things.� It�s hard to believe that�s the last paragraph of my last entry...written just two days ago. What could�ve possibly changed so much in the past two days that I feel so awful? I have no idea. Well, I do know one thing... I stepped on the scale Monday morning to find that I�ve gained weight again. Of course I thought it was a fluke, so I ignored it. But Tuesday, Wed, and Today, show that I have indeed gained 3 pounds since last week. And I just can�t believe how much it ripped me to pieces, emotionally. And I wasn�t going to step on the scale, except I put on one of my biggest black shirts yesterday and it was sooooo tight across my back. I was like, �what the hell?� It had been worn before too � so it should�ve been stretched out. Then I put on some stretch pants and they, too, were very unflattering and snug across the belly. So I stepped on the scale. And that�s when I saw that I�d gained 3 pounds. I keep claiming that my focus is not on weight, that I just want to be healthy. And as long as I don�t step on the scale....everything is fine. But I guess in my head, I * secretly * know that I�ll lose weight because I�m walking more and I�m eating less in the middle of the night and I�m tracking my calories for the first time in forever. So, secretly, my SED plan IS all about weight loss...at least in my private thoughts, in my head. To the rest of the world, and to my conscious self, I am NOT focused on losing weight. NO! I am just wanting to be healthier and happier and un-obsessed! I am focusing on being a new kind of person who doesn�t worry about every little calorie, who doesn�t feel guilt or spend her time wallowing in her own grief over her weight. Today, I don�t know which one is the lie....because I feel both ways. I am (again) a paradox, a real-life paradox. I am two things. I am of two minds. I don�t know which one to believe and which one to kick to the curb. Today I feel like I am worthless. My SED plan is worthless. I�m not losing weight even though I�m doing better � and that just makes no fucking sense. I know that weight fluctuates, but this is ridiculous! I�ve been doing so well! My weight should be fluctuating in a DOWNWARD motion!!! I should NOT be gaining weight. And I�ve not just gained weight, but I�ve gained inches too � because I broke down today and measured myself and I�ve gained 4.5 inches all over my body!! What the HELL is up?? I�m nowhere near my period. Grrrrrr...... So I spent all day yesterday being angry. Just FILLED UP with anger. And my head was on fire with this intense internal dialogue that sounded like this: �I WANT something to make me feel better...A mocha!!� �Okay, one mocha and then that�s all the sweets you can have for today.� (proceed to the coffee shop and order the mocha, nonfat, no whip.) �I don�t feel better. I want something else now.� �But you can�t have anymore sweets.� �Then I�m going to have whatever I want for dinner � that�s the deal. Healthy breakfast, healthy lunch, water, vitamins, and 10 minute walk, one sweet thing per day. That�s the deal � nothing more!!� �Fine. Have whatever you want, but it won�t make you feel better.� �yes it will.� (proceed to eat 2 ff hot dogs, 1 can of bush baked beans, 2 slices bread with butter) �I�m full but I�m not satisfied. I�m pissed off.� �Maybe you should allow yourself to just FEEL pissed off, what do you think of that?� �I�ve allowed myself to FEEL pissed off all fucking day long, and I�m sick of it. And I did what I was supposed to do, and now I want to make this feeling go away!!� (proceed to eat butter, sugar, raw flour, vanilla, egg white in mocked-up cookie dough) �HEY � that was another sugar thing! You just blew your SED plan!!� �I know. I don�t care. It�s not working anyway. I feel like shit. I�ve been depressed for 3 or 4 days this week. And for three days I haven�t really done my walk, I�ve just lied to myself and said that walking to the bus counts good enough. So see � I�ve screwed up.� �So...you�ve screwed up � everyone screws up. Get back on your feet and don�t give up!� �But I�m tired of this. I�m just plain tired. If I can't stick to my SED plan, I should just give up....forever.� "Fine. I can't convince you tonight. So I give up too...but only until tomorrow. Tomorrow will be a better day, I promise.� (proceed to eat bread with � cup of peanut butter & � cup low sugar jam, a tortilla rolled with cheese, and a cereal bar.) And then I went to bed, sick and angry and not wanting to wake up. I thought I�d feel better today, stronger somehow. But I don�t. I feel defeated. And I look over my calories since Saturday and I�ve done awful, just awful. I�ve eaten sooo much crap on top of my �healthy breakfast/healthy lunch� and I�ve feasted at dinner every night this week. I haven�t done ANY longer walks since last Friday. I have strayed on my SED plan here and there. I am consumed with grief today. My pants are too tight. I am no longer pretty. I've lost my face. And - of course - my fucking counselor couldn't "fit me in" anytime this week. When I really need to talk to someone, she was too busy. And next week I can't see her til Friday. And then, who knows when. God, I just read this whole entry over and it's depressing!! I'm sorry. This is how I feel today, and I can't pretty it up for anyone. Grrrr. 1:41 p.m. - June 10, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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