madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Anon Karma An anonymous poster in my comments section said to me:: �Do you have ANY self-control whatsoever? Seriously. Get a grip and take control of your life. Either that, or resolve to stay fat forever. Simple as that.� I love this comment. Simple. Straight to the point. It really says it all, doesn�t it? I was a chubby kid, by third grade I knew I would be fat forever. I simply never believed I could be thin. That thought never even crossed my mind. I was just fat � and I would always be fat and I never thought I could change that. So I grew up in all my fatness, and I accepted it. I accepted it the way people accept their last name. I felt it was something I was born with � like some people are born with blonde hair or a sixth toe. I accepted it. But that�s how I lived my life. I didn�t spend hours crying about who I was. I didn�t think about suicide. I wasn�t self-loathing. I was just sometimes angry and sometimes put out and sometimes uncomfortable. But I accepted who I was. I was born to be fat. Ignorance is bliss. Then it happened. I had my �epiphany� moment. This great BIG epiphany, and I for some reason I had this thought enter my mind. I thought that maybe I didn't HAVE to be fat?!? And so I started changing my life just to see if I could, and I lost 120 pounds, I turned my health around and I made myself happier and stronger and healthier than I�d ever been in the preceding 27 years. I felt that freedom, and it was sweeter than I ever imagined. So now, here I am....heavy again after many life trials and tribulations. But even as this weight comes on, it does not automatically make me the person I used to be. I CAN NEVER BE that person again, because my mind is different. I am no longer ignorant. I�ve experienced health and happiness. I know what it feels like to be in control of my addiction, to be on top. I know the euphoria of being fully present in my body. I can never accept myself fat again. Its like growing up inside a jail cell, and then being set free. There simply is no going back. Ignorance WAS bliss. And so to �Anon�, I say this: you have not walked in my footsteps. You have not lived my life. You have not experienced my physical or emotional pain. You have no idea what kind of mental state I�m in. You don�t work my job or swallow my pills or dream my dreams. You are not the author of my life book, or the creator of my reality. You have no reference for judging my past, present or future. I am amidst the most painful emotional anguish I�ve ever experienced in my life. My online journals (if you�ve even read them) do not even begin to illuminate what I�m going through. So although your comments may reflect some truth - that I have two choices and it is all a simple matter of choosing - your ignorance clouds the message. Had it all been so simple, I would�ve made my decision by now � don�t you think? And finally, anon, You remind me of myself during a time when I was very inexperienced in life. You remind me of my youth, when I had no reference for pain or loss. You remind me of when I was headstrong and conceited, but weak in my understanding of human suffering. You flaunt your ignorance with a brutality that reveals your nature. Despite how old you are, you have not learned compassion or empathy and thus your true age is exposed,and you are very young. Karma circles on itself. After gaining momentum, your ruthless words will find their way back to you at time when you most need compassion and understanding, when you need someone�s kindness, someone�s hand up when you are grounded, someone�s candle flame to illuminate your path in the darkness when you�ve lost your way. 2:50 p.m. - June 14, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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