madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SED Plan Day 10 June 3rd, 2004 SED #10 Monday was the day to add something to my SED plan, and I decided on adding 10 minutes of walking (outside of my normal bus walk) each day. I allowed myself to accomplish this at any point in the day before I went to bed. Yes, this is small, but the point here is to set little goals that I can�t talk myself out of when I�m depressed or tired or or or ... This is in addition to eating my healthy breakfast, lunch, taking my vitamin and drinking water. (which I have successfully done I really struggled yesterday. I woke up terribly depressed...mostly because in the middle of the night I got up and ate a bunch of crap. (my special k-bar � PLUS - cold tator tots leftover from my husband�s dinner, whole wheat crackers and jam, a banana dunked in peanut butter & hefty swallows of milk) This was after my dinner, where I had ribs, coleslaw (light, homemade) and cornbread. Like half a pan of cornbread. Like after I ate dinner and counted up my calories and saw that I�d gone like 300 cals over for the day....I got really mad because I felt like I had budgeted for the dinner and I had been very careful that day. My plan was to eat dinner BEFORE my counseling session, and allow for a small snack afterwards. But after my session I just got really pissed so I went in and ate more cornbread. Then had another sliver. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat until I had gone 1000 calories over my limit. My total calories for Tuesday was 3,030. I felt like such a failure. And on top of this, I felt like my counseling session was also a flunker. I went in on Tuesday in a good mood, and came out wanting to slash throats. I was mad � again � when I left, but managed to have a small victory when I bought only a bottle of water from the dreaded 7-Eleven. But then I went home and ate all that cornbread, and then more cornbread, and then got up in the m.o.n. and ate all the above aforementioned crap. So buying the bottle of water instead of the triple pack of Twinkies and nachos was sort of a non-victory, victory if you know what I mean. At least, in the end. So anyway, I woke up yesterday just totally weighed down. Every part of me was depressed � my head, my body, my heart, my thoughts. I started thinking, �What�s the point of my SED plan when I just fuck it up? and What�s the point of doing all these SED things when I�ll never lose weight this way?� I went on most of the day like this, depressed, frustrated and angry. So I skipped breakfast � something I NEVER EVER EVER do. But I guess I had eaten so much in the middle of the night, it wasn�t that hard. I ate a giant salad for lunch and then a vegetarian pasta dinner and fruit for dessert. And there it was 9:30pm at night and I was sitting perfectly under my calories. But I had my little SED - 10 minute walk looming over me. My tummy was full and I was in my comfy nightgown snuggled up on the couch. I just didn�t want to get dressed, put shoes on, and walk. But then I realized that if I didn�t walk, it would be my first day of betrayal to my SED plan. Because even though I�ve screwed up in other ways � I�ve remained faithful to this. And I also knew from experience, that with the first lapse in self-promises came the threat of successive lapses. I just couldn�t live with myself if I didn�t go through with it. And so, with much hesitation and groaning and whimpering, I got my butt dressed, my shoes put on, and I walked � for 40 minutes. The night was gorgeous with a dusky full moon illuminating trees and sidewalks. I turned on the alternative rock station and pounded the pavement and even sang out loud for some of the songs. (I love Staind and Rage Against the Machine) And dammit, when I got back all sweaty and tired, I was totally happy. My head hit the pillow with the self-satisfaction of doing something right. It felt good. I do have to tell you about the weirdest thing that happened last night after I went to bed. I was probably sleeping for about an hour, when I half-woke up to the sound of my own voice in my head saying, �Its only been an hour since you came to bed, so technically its still the same day. So if you got up and ate a bunch of stuff now, it wouldn�t technically be in the middle of the night.� Can you believe this shit?? This is the stuff I�m saying to myself while I�m half-sleeping!! I mean, I�ve rationalized my m.o.n. eating before � but it always made sense to me somehow. Like, I always say to myself, �I�ll do better tomorrow.� or �I already blew it today, so this doesn�t matter.� But this just sounded totally absurd to me and I remember telling myself to shut up and go back to sleep. And I did. And when I did wake up, I ate only my Special K bar and that�s it. 2:55 p.m. - June 03, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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