madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Grieving for dresses SED Day #11 Today I mourn my old clothes. As I walked to work, sweating in heavy denim, I thought of all the sundresses, shorts, and t-shirts I gave away that now would perfectly fit me. I grieve breezy linen pants, lofty sleeveless tops, and a-line summer skirts. I bemoaned the loss of comfort those clothes brought me. I gave them away because I was so determined to never be that heavy again. And although I think back proudly on that gesture of pure confidence, I shudder now at the consequences of my actions. As the summer edges in on our cool Portland days, I find myself scrambling for weather appropriate clothing. I find myself trying to convince myself that baby blue and orange DO go together... I HATE IT. Can I just say how much I hate it � being stuck wearing clothes that don�t reflect my style, don�t flatter me, don�t feel comfortable!?! I mean part of this is that I don�t feel comfortable in my own skin. But not having any clothes that fit seems to make it worse. Getting dressed everyday feels like punishment. I�m being punished because I�ve been so lazy and unmotivated and I�ve gotten so fat. And I can hide from mirrors and deny seeing the stares of onlookers and ignore the comments of teenagers, but these tight, unflattering clothes serve as my daily reminder. So I won�t forget that I�ve f*cked up � big time. And this is why my SED plan isn�t good enough today. I mean, I�m not giving up on it and I�m still being faithful to it. But today I just feel angry and pissed about it. I know that I�m not going to lose the 40+ pounds I�ve gained anytime soon. The SED plan is the slow & steady plan. It�s the �I can live with this� plan. It�s the �turtle eventually wins the race� plan. But it is sooo fucking hard to live in this body, to feel these tight clothes, to look in the mirror and try to be happy and love myself during this long, slow, steady race. My irrational side screams that I go back to my old ways. That I cut back my calories, increase my exercise, and starve starve starve. I used to tell myself that hunger means I�m winning. I used to say it to myself like a mantra. My irrational side says � Fuck the SED plan � Starve yourself instead!! Fast for days on end! Drink protein shakes and give up food! Try the next new diet pill! ANYTHING HURRY!! YOU�VE GOT TO LOSE WEIGHT NOW OR YOU�LL DIE!!! But no, I can�t do those things. I know they don�t work. I know that I can�t stick with a fast. I know I can�t tolerate the pills. I know I can�t starve myself without binging later. I know all this. So, for today, for this hour, for this stinking minute � I stick with my SED plan. I stick with it hoping that next summer I�ll be back in my thinner shorts, my cute summer skirts, and sundresses. I stick with it hoping that the turtle really does win the race...that fairytales really do happen in real life. 1:06 p.m. - June 04, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||