madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SED Plan - day #8 June 1st, 2004 SED Day #8 Well, so far so good with my SED plan. I had to make a new addition to my weekly list yesterday, which was: Do 10 minutes each day of exercise (outside of your normal bus-walking) AND eat only 1 dessert-type sugary food per day. (fruit is ok) This is in addition to drinking my water, eating a healthy breakfast and lunch, and taking my vitamin each day. I weighed myself and finally dropped some of that weight, so I�m down to 308.0 from 311.5. But wait!! - before you get excited � its not from my SED plan!! It must�ve been water weight from my period. On Saturday I pee�d like 17 times even though I drank my normal amount of water. And then miraculously I weighed 3.5 pounds less this morning. Hmmmm..... It reminded me of when I got home from the hospital two years ago. In three days time, I pee�d out 30 pounds of water!! Isn�t that amazing!! But, I�m not obsessed with the scale right now anyway. My main focus is doing my SED things each day....that�s it. And I�ve had days last week when my calories at the end of the day weren�t great. But � I will say this: I only ate until I hurt myself once last week. That�s an INCREDIBLE accomplishment for me. And boy, did it feel rotten when I did. Either my stomach has shrunk, or my state of mind has made it more uncomfortable than normal. One other thing I�ve been doing �unofficially�, is eating only 1 Special K bar in the middle of the night. They have 90 calories. I�ve done this 3 nights in a row so far. This alone will save me like 400-600 calories per day because I was getting up in the middle of the night and binging, every night. I�ve tried to go cold turkey, I�ve tried just eating something healthy like fruit - but that�s been a huge disappointment. I�ve never been able to stick to it. I guess the Special K bar is sweet enough that it feels like I�m having something sinful? Tonight is my counseling appointment. I got really pissed at her last time I went. I felt like we weren�t covering any ground, like we were just spinning our wheels. My husband says there will be times like that, and other times when I will walk out of there feeling like great progress was made. I don�t know....the last counselor I saw (a year or more ago), I felt like she never gave me any practical advice or any useful real-life tools that I could take with me and utilize whenever I was about to spin out of control. I just felt like all we did was talk. And whenever I would ask her a question, she�d simply turn it around on me and say, �Well, Heather, what do YOU think it means?�. Finally, I was like � to hell with this!! I spend enough time in my own head asking myself questions and talking to myself. I don�t need to pay someone $90 an hour to breathe in my carbon dioxide!! So I quit. Maybe she just wasn�t right for me. Now this lady, my new counselor, I feel like all she does is give practical advice. We talk sure, but I�ll tell her that I�m so lonely without Tom and with no friends that I feel like I could die. And she will respond with: �feel thankful for the time you spend by yourself and try to make it fun.� I�m like - HELLO!!! If I KNEW how to climb out of this depression and MAKE IT FUN, don�t you think I would�ve done that by now?? Her other big advice is to buy a day planner and schedule my time outside of work. It would look something like this: 6:45 am � Talk yourself out of Starbucks. Talk yourself out of making biscuits, scones, muffins, cookies, and finally bread. Pack your stupid egg whites, ham and whole wheat muffin. Curse a little. Tell yourself tomorrow you�ll have Starbucks, knowing full well that you won�t. 8:00am � Convince yourself to walk to the farther bus stop, sweat in 60 degree cold weather, get stared at by passerbys, sit on crowded train with squirming lady who hates you. Think about lunch. Consider ditching salad and ordering pizza. Go back and forth on this for the whole ride to work. 9:30am to 6pm: Eat breakfast. Work. Distract yourself from work by thinking of vending machine to dull pain from boring work. Write in journal to distract yourself from vending machine. Write about pain. Eat unsatisfying healthy packed lunch. Think about vending machine. Eat fruit while thinking about vending machine. Finally give in my 3pm and eat m&m�s. Realize they don�t dull pain or diminish work. 6:00pm � 7:00pm � Repeat walk to bus, train ride, sweating and squirming, thoughts of Starbucks. 7:15pm � Come home to painfully quiet empty house. Alone. 7:20pm � Consider baking scones, muffins, cookies, biscuits or bread. Decide you are too tired. Stare into fridge. Ignore vegetables that need to be steamed and/or dressed up in order to be edible and eat instead a cold raw hot dog. Drink milk from jug. Eat bread with butter. Roll up deli ham slices with cheese and put on paper plate. Grab peanut butter, pickles, crackers, cheese and more raw hot dogs and head for couch. 7:30-9:30pm � Sit in the dark and eat everything, disregarding odd combinations and/or odd flavors. Distract your loneliness with t.v. shows you don�t even like. Watch infomercials. Call your hubby and tell him how much you love him. Hang up and turn off t.v. 10:00pm � Roll off couch, discard trash, go to bed fully clothed. Promise yourself tomorrow will be different. Sleep as long as possible. Repeat. Okay, okay....a little dramatized for effect. Well, actually, no....its pretty accurate. And those are my GOOD days!! LOL! I�m sure this is not what my counselor has in mind. She wants me to schedule my alone time with things like �go to art museum� and �walk on the waterfront� and �see a foreign film�. She wants to me to DO things despite the fact I have no one to do them with. She insists that I can feel happier by doing this. I�m sure she�s right, but the motivation to �go to a museum� by yourself just isn�t very strong � regardless of whether or not I�ve scheduled myself to do it. I tried to take her advice, to an extent, this last week. I forced myself to practice my flute and it made an hour (each day) go by happily. I also worked on two paintings on Thursday and Friday night instead of watching t.v. I�m not happy with paintings, but it was better than letting sitcoms suck my soul dry. And then there was the walking. I started my books on tape thing � you know, where I walk while listening to a book on tape. I only allow myself to listen to the book while I�m walking, and this is such a good tool. By Sunday, I was at a pivotal point in the storyline and I was dying to know what happened..... so I walked. I think I put in about 3 � miles for Sunday and about 2 miles yesterday. That�s more than I�ve walked in ages! It is a good tool that really works if you keep yourself honest. (no listening to the tape while driving to Wendy�s or whatever...) The bottom lines remains the same: I�m still Waaaaaaayyyyy overeating. I�m still too fat. I�m still out of shape. I�m still depressed and very lonely and missing my husband�s company something fierce. I�m still me. But all in all, I feel stronger for having made a few little changes, and for sticking with it. I even had a very dark day last week, but made myself stick to my SED plan still. Now I�m going to go before I jinx everything!! (if i haven�t already) 3:46 p.m. - June 01, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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