madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SED Plan Day 3 SED Plan Day: 3 I hate getting up earlier than normal. I ate breakfast (oatmeal) at 7am and I ate a snack (blueberries & yogurt) at 9:30am and I�m already feeling hungry. (my mantra: drink water drink water drink water) But really - water only staves off that hunger for about 5 minutes and then my mind drifts to the snack machine again. Today feels difficult. Yesterday felt easy. I wonder what the difference is? Why is today much different from yesterday? Hmmm.... Whenever I have my session, I walk home right by a 7-Eleven. (I mean, it�s RIGHT next door, so there�s no way to avoid it.) I storm out of my session and the next thing I know I�m cramming a pack of ding-dongs and a coke down my throat on the walk home. And then, with a belly full of chocolate cake and cream, I am guiltily satisfied. My nerves are calmed. I feel serene and peaceful....and guilty. Did I mention that I am ridden with guilt? Its obvious this sudden hysterical need for sugar is a response to my session. Last night I wandered through 7-Eleven, but didn�t buy anything. I mean I wandered the isles for like 10 minutes until the guy behind the counter started getting nervous...especially when I left without buying anything. I kept thinking that some chocolate would make me feel better, less angry, lees edgy. But then I reminded myself of Sunday at the mall and how humiliated and angry I felt, how uncomfortable I was in my own skin. And so this went on back and forth, back and forth, until I gave up and walked home empty handed. I know it was a victory for me, but it didn�t feel like one. It was kind of a let down. Instead of being sedated with sugar, I had to feel all my feelings all night long. I couldn�t relax. I had trouble sleeping. In the middle of the night I got up and ate a small handful of raisins and a glass of skim milk, then went back to bed. But I tossed and turned all night. Today I feel it....that niggling feeling, like I didn�t do something I was supposed to do. It�s crazy, I know, but since the moment I woke up, I�ve been thinking about sugar. Anyway...I keep hearing a repeating theme in my readers � ditch the �All or Nothing� attitude. This is something one of my old counselors had told me too, and it worked for a long time. In fact, I think it helped me keep off my weight for about a year. It was when I thought that staying the same wasn�t �progress� that things took a turn for the worse. Little did I know that staying the same IS progress, at least when you�re me. At least it is when you have the potential to gain 8 pounds in two weeks. Besides, something really IS better than nothing. Logically I know this, of course. But putting it into practice is another thing altogether. I thought a lot about this over the weekend. And my lovely trip to the mall coupled with my 311.4 weight sort of cemented my need to come up with some solutions and actually implement them! But they had to be things I would/could actually follow through on...not some unrealistic goal like �WALK 2 MILES EVERYDAY� because I know there will be a day when I am too depressed to follow through. SO... on the �something every day� plan (which I will refer to as the SED plan from now on) I need to accomplish something each day that builds on good health. My goal for this week is: Eat two healthy meals each day, take my vitamin, and drink water. I decided on Breakfast and Lunch, which will be shopped for, planned out, and eaten no matter what else comes up. (i.e. if someone brings in cinnamon rolls I still eat my planned breakfast. If someone buys pizza for lunch, I still eat my lunch.) So far this week, so good. And my other goal is that I will not strive for perfection outside of my two daily meals. I will strive for moderation instead. Does that make sense? At any rate � I�m on day three and I was actually really looking forward to my salad today. The other thing is that in just two full days of doing this, I have stayed within my maintenance calories without even trying. Then this weekend, I will figure out something else to add to my SED plan on Monday....something totally do-able and reasonable. (like maybe walk 10 minutes before dinner each night or..???) And then I�ll do it. And I�ll keep adding things while continuing to do the things from the previous week. I�m hoping this will help me have faith in myself again � something I�ve totally lost. The true test will be on a day when I�m so depressed I can barely get out of bed. I don�t know how to �prepare� for this test. 1:39 p.m. - May 26, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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