madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Everywhere Me May 24th, 2004 All of your comments on that last post were read, and taken to heart. I can�t say enough how much the support I get from all of you means to me. I know that sounds cheezy � and there isn�t a way to tell you without sounding cheezy. So I�ll just say thank you and The Wake Up Call. I�ve had so many of them over the past year or so...to list a few; 1. The moment I could no longer fit into anything at Lane Bryant 2. Unable to wear any of my button/zip pants 3. Growing out of my shoes 4. Having trouble fitting into a booth in a restaurant again 5. Noticing that none of my shirts will cover my belly anymore 6. Cringing at the idea of walking more than a few blocks 7. Sweating on a 60 degree day, wearing summery type clothes 8. Taking up 1 � seats on the bus again 9. Noticing no one will sit with me on public transportation 10. Adults staring 11. Kids staring and pointing and whispering 12. Teenagers whispering and laughing and making snide comments 13. When even my husband, who never says anything about my weight, asks if I really want to eat another piece of pie. 14. A Glimpse in the bus window where I think, �wow � that lady is heavy�...before realizing it is my own reflection. 15. Not recognizing myself in store mirrors or storefront windows 16. Covering up all my mirrors at home with clothes or purposefully not looking in them 17. The inability to cross my legs, and being amazed that I ever could 18. Being unable to reach bathroom places on my body again 19. Putting on my shoes is difficult 20. The sudden need for all of my clothes to be �air dried� instead of dried in the dryer (at 265 I could dry 99% of my clothes in the dryer) 21. The shower curtain liner sticks to me no matter which way I turn 22. Bathroom stalls are getting smaller and tighter 23. My back hurts when I�m on my feet for more than 20 minutes 24. Eating a whole large pizza, a soda, and 2 cookies then realizing I�m not even full 25. Making excuses to avoid spending time with my friends 26. Being too embarrassed to be naked around my husband 27. Watching my unique facial features disappear into a generic �fat-girl face� 28. Feeling aches and pains in my body that I had forgotten about 29. Walking up 4 flights of stairs and being afraid of heart attack 30. Watching the scale creep up and knowing its not just water weight 31. Seeing the fattest girl in the office building wearing the same pants as me 32. Dreading getting dressed every day 33. Turning down a free trip to the beach for fear of not fitting into the plane seats 34. Seeing sadness in my friends eyes, when she sees me for the first time in months I realize I could go on and on. The list is almost never-ending. In a day�s time, I can think of 100 things that have changed since I gained back this weight. Which is crazy, because when I was stuck at 263 for so long (those of you who remember) all I could think about was how far I had to go and how little I had changed. Lol!! Perspective. If anything, gaining this much weight back has given me some perspective. And if I ever get back down to the 260�s, I�m going to have a new appreciation for that. I�m sure of it. This weight, 311.4, has been weighing heavily on my mind since Thursday. I was close to my period, so some part of me wanted to believe that it was only water weight. But I�ve gotten my period, and I only lost half a pound. So I had to face the fact that I really have gained that much in the past couple of weeks. And then I walked to the mall yesterday because I wanted one of those pedometers in the �Go Active� Happy Meals from McDonalds. I figured I could just throw the salad away. I wandered into stores with too many mirrors and every time I turned, there was me staring back at me. Me in glimpses that I didn�t recognize. Me tugging at my shirt. Me sweating in air-conditioned air. Me getting stared at by kids with big eyes. Me with the ears that heard a black guy say to his friend, �There ya go man, her pussy�s probably a mile wide!� and they laugh and punch each other and walk off in all their youth. Me in Lane Bryant, an outsider wandering. Me unable to find a shoe that fits. Me in the food court feeling the tug of fries and cheese and wanting to stuff it down. Me walking by the chicken place where they always target fat people for samples. Me taking the sample. Me walking home, tired, defeated. Me trying the pedometer that registers every jiggle instead of every step. I�ve done enough crying for ten people in ten lifetimes. I�ve done enough feeling sorry for myself, had enough destructive thoughts, and crawled inside of enough pies for comfort. I�m sick of this. So I�m trying to make it through one stinking day, one single day, on track. I packed all my meals. I took my vitamin. I drank my water and I�m feeling hunger, true hunger, for the first time in ages. It is scaring the hell out of me and I don�t even know why. 1:39 p.m. - May 24, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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