madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Stuck like glue May 21st, 2004 Three hundred and eleven and a half pounds. I thought it was a fluke, because I weighed myself two weeks ago and I was 303.4. And two weeks before that I was 302.5 and two weeks before that I was 303 and before that 303. I�ve been around 303 for almost two months. I know my pants have been feeling tighter the last couple of weeks, but I associated it with... well, I didn�t associate it with anything. There have been times in the past two months where I thought I�d gained weight, then stepped on the scale to find that it was all in my head. So I guess you could say I thought it was all in my head. But no, two days in a row I�ve weighed and I really do weigh 311.5 pounds. I can�t believe it. Yesterday I almost picked up the scale (its one of those glass-topped jobbers) and flung it across the room. But I flashed on all the glass I�d have to pick up and the possibility of breaking something else or clobbering a cat and I stopped myself. Then I briefly toyed with the idea of slitting my wrists...but luckily I woke up to a really nice dream so I was still holding onto that little thread of hope that life could be good and maybe I should hold out just to see what happens. And then came the irrational, omigod-what-am-i-gonna-do thoughts. As I showered and got ready for work, I imagined putting myself on an all-liquid diet, or maybe doing that �MasterCleanse� diet...where you basically don�t eat for 20 days and you drink this lemon/cayenne pepper/maple syrup water the whole time. I heard that Robin Givens (Howard Stern�s side-kick) lost like 100 pounds doing the MasterCleanse. Then I realized that I can�t even go without lunch during the day, how was I going to get through 20 days?? And then I remembered the whole �Slim in Six� program I spent $100 bucks on a few months back and realized that the program probably works if you actually follow it. (my problem was more that even the �start it up� tape was so hard I couldn�t finish it without feeling like I was going to tear a muscle or something....how many squats can a 300lb woman do?) Answer: 20? I have been asked to go on a trip with my mom to San Diego in September, and I basically didn�t answer yes or no. I told her I have some �hang-ups� mentally, and I can�t give her an answer yet. I�ve been trying to figure out how I�m going to hang out on a beach and fly in an airplane at this size. It sure doesn�t seem very appealing. Speaking of flying on an airplane... I�m sure you�ve all heard this already, but I hardly ever watch the news so its new to me. Last night on the news a lady mid-trip wasn�t allowed to board her plane in Portland at the airport. I guess the ticket counter guy asked her how much she weighed and bunch of other embarrassing questions. When she answered that , �NO � she couldn�t sit in the seat with the armrest down.�, they told her she had to purchase another seat in order to board the plane. In another segment, they made a large man PROVE that he could sit in the seat with the armrest down before they would allow him to fly home. I was just dumbfounded. And then I envisioned myself at the airport getting ready to fly to San Diego and getting the same questions. And the last time I flew (at 268lbs) I could BARELY get the armrest down. When I arrived in Rapid City, I had bruises on my hips. So I can imagine that now, at 311, I would not be able to pass their stupid test. HOW HUMILIATING!! I would have to call my mom at the airport (probably sobbing) and tell her �Sorry � I�m too fat to fly down there. You�re on your own.� I realize the airline�s predicament, I do. I see skinny people squirm all the time when they have to sit next to me on the bus. And on the bus it�s usually for a quick 20 minute ride...on an airplane its a good two or more hours of torture. I realize that it sucks to have your personal space invaded. I feel this way when a homeless person sits down next to me on the bus and they start scratching their head and it looks like things are crawling in their hair. Or they smell so strongly of urine and alcohol and their clothes are crusty with God-knows-what...and I don�t want to jump up and run away � I�ll look like such a bitch. But there have been times when I have jumped up, even when there was nowhere else to stand. So I guess I am comparing myself � a nice, clean, responsible fat chick to the homeless guy. Because let�s face it, an invasion is an invasion is an invasion, and we are all just human beings, right? At any rate, I came to work and started trying to figure out (logically) what I could do to help myself. My mind scans the many diets I�ve tried over the past two years and failed after just a few days....The Carbohydrates Addict diet, The Zone, Modified Atkins, The �Smart Low-Carb Way� diet, Weight Watchers, calorie counting, Slim in Six.... I know that any one of these diets will work � they ALL work! The problem is ME. I do not know how to find that magic motivation to stick with a diet for more than one meal or one day! And every time I fail, its like I re-affirm to myself that I cannot do it again. Whatever I did to lose those 120 pounds � I�ve lost it. I cannot relive that bliss for whatever reason. So here I sit at 311... It means that I have gained back half of the weight I lost. It means that I am well-into the 300�s again. And from what I remember, the last time I crossed the 300 mark � 375 came up awful fast. I�m not asking for any advice � I know enough to know that there is no advice to give. I know enough to know that you cannot GIVE someone their motivation. And when it comes to weight loss, there are no secret little tricks that will suddenly make a person follow their plan...I know this. I�ve tried to go back to what has worked in the past. I began walking (after the Slim in Six tapes almost killed me) again in my neighborhood. But on the days I�m depressed, I can barely get out of bed � much less motivate myself to walk. And then it takes days for me to feel better again, and then I look back and realize that I walked for 4 days and didn�t walk for 12. When I failed following strict regimen�s like The Zone or counting points with Weight Watchers I joined Calorie King and counted my calories again. But day after day, when I�d see that I�d went over by 500 or 1,000 or 2,000 calories.... it just became depressing. And then I just stopped because I couldn�t make myself stay under my calories, and logging them in every day was like tangible proof that I�d failed. I went to my links folder to search for inspiration. But where I was originally inspired by reading other people�s successes on the web, now I find myself feeling alienated. I know that they have that �thing�, that �thing� that I�ve lost. And I feel jealous and angry and frustrated...not inspired. So I�m not sure where to go from here. I�m kind of stuck. Well, HELLO!!, I know I�m stuck. I�ve been stuck for a long time. But I guess I mean that I�m shocked and horrified and pissed off about weighing 311 again and I want to do something about it. But what? What can I live with? If I don�t see results, I�ll surely not stick with it. But my track record for sticking with anything long enough to see results is pretty grim. I'm stuck!! 11:45 a.m. - May 21, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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