madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- a long-ass, really long entry about life Well, with all the religious posts in my comments section (see the comments for my last entry), I thought I'd add my two cents. So far, I've been doing that privately through e-mails, but it seems that you all feel comfortable discussing religion publicly so here’s what I have to say: In a letter posted to Lela: "There is no way that you and I will ever see eye to eye about Christianity, so I won't even go there. I will, however, say that it is not a matter of "I just don't believe in God." It is not that simple. I spent a great deal of my youth and my young-adulthood deeply involved in the Church. I did this at a time when my parents wouldn't even go with me....so I went with another family who became my second "Christian" family. So you see, I come from a place of experience when I tell you that I cannot follow the beliefs of Christians. As I got older, I began to ask questions that the church could not directly answer. And I became painfully aware that everything I held dear in Christianity, was a very small portion of the world, and that Christianity basically damned other cultures and religions. I do not like the way the Christian belief system alienates other religions, other peoples of this planet, including those who believe in Buddhism or Allah or Native Americans who believe in the Great Sun God or Wiccans. Buddhist monks and Native Americans are one of the most spiritual people on the planet, and according to Christianity - they are going to burn in hell. I'm sorry, I just simply cannot believe that the Dali Lama is going to burn in hell?!" Praying to God is not going to help me, considering I find nothing comforting or uplifting in that. My main problem stems from severe depression and my inability to respond to drug therapy. I'm hoping that counseling will play a role in my recovery, and hopefully bring me back to a place where I can be healthy again and make healthy decisions for myself. I agree that weight-loss is all in our heads - that is the truest statement there is. Because when I was well in my head, I was well with my weight loss. And now I am struggling and hating myself and I am not well in my head.....therefore I am not well with my weight. And so forth. I know that a lot of people find their strength, hope, and power with God., and I support that fully. I believe we all have the right to experience God in whatever way works for us. That’s the main difference between me and most Christians – I do not believe you are going to die a horrible death or suffer an eternity of pain just because we do not share the same beliefs. And yet, I am a good person who lives her life respectfully of others, with compassion and humility for all living things, and with a reverence for diversity and freedom. As far as all the spiritual comments I’ve received, I always appreciate anyone aking the time to write me. I always appreciate comments from my readers - rather we agree, or we agree to disagree. Seriously, I'm glad that Lela and others have found a way to diet (and live) through God. Good for them. (i mean that too...not sarcastically) I do wish I could find that power, that strength, that determination to make perfect choices and lose the weight. But I know that Christianity isn’t the answer for me. On another note, I've started counseling with a Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner who I really like. She agrees that I have something bigger going on than simple depression. She feels that inherited genetics, chemical imbalances in my body, feminine issues, poor habits, pessimism and suffering intense loss have all played a role in my downward spiral the last couple of years. She's not hell-bent on treating me with medication, considering I tried and failed with 4 anti-depressants so far. She is also very sensitive to medication herself - so she understands what happens to me. (unlike other doctors I've had who just stare at me with a blank look on their face when I tell them I blacked out on paxil etc.. either that or they don't believe me) At any rate, this is going to be a long process. I don't imagine I will be miraculously "cured" anytime soon. I am scared...scared that it will take too long for me to "fix" myself. What if I can't take living like this any longer? In the meantime, I've taken up painting again. I spent the weekend clearing out a large walk-in closet (with a window)so I could set up my easel and paints. I bought a giant canvas that is ready and waiting for the next time I get that "urge" to paint....which I feel will be soon. I think it is going to be a way for me to deal with my anger levels. Lately I've been having these anger spells, in which I spend hours upon hours being enraged at absolutely everything. But I guess anger and depression are linked... I've heard that depression is anger unexpressed. So I've been sort of flipping back and forth between extreme anger and extreme depression for the past month. FUN for my husband!! (poor guy) But he's in it for the long haul, so he says. I bet he never thought he'd be married to a crazy bitch though... An example of my flipout anger issues: My "friend" cancelled his dinner plans with me on Friday night, saying he needed to go home and rest and pet his cat blah blah blah. Then later he let it slip that he was actually going out drink with some buddies instead. (after cancelling with me) When I realized he'd basically gotten a better offer and took it, I went from zero to sixty in two seconds. I flew into a rage at work, ended up in the bathroom bawling my eyes out and punching the stall doors. And then in the midst of my fury, I stopped and looked at myself in the bathroom mirror. WHO THE HELL WAS I? I didn't recognize this red-faced, pissed-off, pillsbury dough-girl in the mirror. It made me stop dead in my tracks. I dried my eyes. I thought, "This is ridiculous that I'm this upset that someone screwed me over." I've had plenty of people screw me over, but I never before went to the bathroom and threw a fucking temper tantrum. I splashed water on my face and returned to work. He wrote me an e-mail saying "sorry". I responded by telling him to forget about it. That it meant nothing to me. (a lie of course) I don't know why things happen the way they do. But I feel like there is a reason I'm supposed to be this lonely, this sad, this angry right now. I've never in my whole life felt this friendless, this alone...especially without Tom occupying my off time. But logically, there has to be a reason. I must be needing this time to work on myself - uninterrupted. I need to paint again, as it is a safe, enjoyable outlet for me that has nothing to do with food. I also need to write that book I've always wanted to write...but that I continually put off because of this or that distraction. I need to focus on slowly getting my mental health under control, and my physical health too. Its the only thing I can think, that all this alienation is meant for a higher purpose. After all, if I don't think this way, then what the hell am I even alive for, ya know? 11:09 a.m. - May 17, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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