madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lost and Found April 30th, 2004 I slept 12 hours yesterday and called in sick the day before. It has been a rough week. But last night, I had the most vivid dream. I brought home six little kittens from the pet store. They were tiny babies, just barely able to open their eyes. I snuggled them and laughed and played with their clumsy, furry little selves. I fingered their tiny paws and kissed their little tulip noses. I fed them and we all fell asleep together, full tummies and soft snoring. When I awoke, there were only two kittens sleeping on me � Sweetpea and Blackberry. (the two I have in real life) I got up and frantically searched the apartment, calling out to the others. I hadn�t even named them yet, so I was just saying, �Here kitties!!�. But there was no sign of them anywhere. They were just gone. And then, I noticed a hole in the wall that lead out to the alley and realized they must�ve wandered out there in the night while I was sleeping. I was devastated. I felt like a failure, having been responsible for these 4 little lives that were now in jeopardy. Time passed the way time passes in dreams. It could�ve been weeks or days or months, it�s hard to say. But I gave up hope of ever finding the other four kittens and I made peace with that. I just knew it was an honest mistake, and I couldn�t change what had happened. So I went on with my life. And then one day, when I was deep-cleaning the kitchen, I opened up a drawer and there they were � the four missing kittens. They were half the size of Sweetpea and Blackberry. They were emaciated skeletons covered with patches of fur. One of them was gasping for air like a fish out of water. The other kitty�s eyes were crusted over and they were barely alive. I started screaming for help and crying but nobody came. I picked up their little dehydrated bodies one by one and tried to revive them. They were too weak to stand up on their own. I got a dropper and went to the sink, but the only water that would come out of the tap was a filthy brown. I ran to the bathroom sink, then the shower, but this nasty brown gunk came out instead of water. And the dream went on like this in an endless cycle of me finding them and screaming and being unable to find clean water until I woke up. I�m sure there are a lot of interpretations. But in the past I used to dream about my cat (Pete) being hurt or killed or lost whenever I was feeling bad. A therapist told me that dreams of helpless animals being hurt often represent immature or child-like parts of ourselves. And the dirty water, well I don�t know what that means. My first thought was that it was my soul. But how scary would that be? To think that my soul is so filthy with psychological muck that I will never be able to revive those parts of myself which are almost dead? And then I wonder how long I have....before those gasping for air parts of me simply give up life? My grandma was bi-polar. I know it�s been mentioned by a reader a time or two, that I might consider the fact I have bi-polar disorder. I just always thought that bi-polar people were like SUPER-MANIACS on their �up� swing. I�m not a super-maniac � ever! On my �good days� I just feel normal. And sometimes on my good days I even still have the inkling in the back of my mind....that inkling that the bad days are just around the corner. I don�t know. I�m thinking a lot today. I did exercise this morning, but ate half a pint of Ben & Jerry�s for lunch today after doing all that thinking. I wonder what my slumber will bring to me tonight? 5:45 p.m. - April 30, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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