madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Audio books, walking and art May 3rd, 2004 That depression just sort of �lifted� on Friday morning. That�s really the best way to describe it. You know how your arms feel when you�re hauling a really heavy box and you�re struggling to carry it? Then when you set it down, you suddenly feel so free and light? That�s how I feel when my depression lifts...lighter, unencumbered. So, since I started feeling better on Friday morning, I exercised. It was the first day in two weeks that I felt I could do more than shuffle from home to work, then work to home. And when I woke up on Saturday morning, I exercised again. Yesterday I did a ton of leisurely walking (like 2 hours) and then I went for a long walk this morning before work. It feels good to be moving again. And so this weekend was pretty pleasant. Not the most eventful or exciting, but it was calmly pleasant. I�m still learning to deal with being by myself so much. This was only the second weekend I�ve had since Tom went to his new shift, and I�m painfully adjusting. I need to get back into some of my hobbies, things that I do best alone � like painting. My mom is sending me money for art supplies. Isn�t that nice? I�ve been out of supplies for almost two years now, and I every time I save up some money for them, something happens. (Cats need vet visit, days lost from work due to illness, TAXES!!!, microwave stopped working...etc...) So I�m looking forward to getting that money and buying some much needed supplies. What I really need to learn, is how to stretch canvas. Now that I have all this damn time to myself, I could build my own frames and stretch my own canvases and dig out my easel and set myself up to paint and be happy as a clam. (are clams happy? if they are, why?) Any suggestions on how to learn � aside from taking a class? I also could write, if I had a computer at home. I need to delete lines and copy and cut and paste and move things around when I write. The old fashioned pencil just doesn�t cut it for me. I end up being frustrated by the antiquated turtle-speed in which things progress when I use a pencil. I need speed. I need to be able to write nearly as fast as my mind can think. I need to get things on paper BEFORE I have time to really think about what I�m saying. Those are the guts of what I write � true, honest, emotions that aren�t preconceived or premeditated. And a pencil just doesn�t allow me to get those things out fast enough. I also made the decision to start walking again. I had gotten away from walking outside because I hated my old neighborhood � miles and miles of businesses, parking lots, junky houses and unkempt yards with barely any trees in sight. With the heat waves rising off the pavement like a black tar desert, it was just more pleasant to do my exercise tapes in my living room. I live in a beautiful new neighborhood now. I have miles and miles to explore. This morning I saw gorgeous, regal houses who�s yards were brimming with flowers and streets lined with giant trees. There were cats on porches, stretching in the sunshine and metal sculptures intertwined with vines. I walked and walked and only when I realized I might be late for work, did I turn to head back. So I�ve enlisted my father to send me some of his books on tape from his giant collection. I had such good luck with that in the past. My rule is: I can only listen to the tapes while I�m walking. (so no popping them into the cassette player at home) This worked so well for me the last time, I think I walked off about 26 pounds listening to audio books. I found myself walking an extra ten minutes to hear more of the story. During Memoirs of a Geisha, I was walking morning and night because it was so good! The only thing I�m going to do differently this time, is buy a decent cassette player with comfortable ear pieces. (the one I bought last time didn�t even have a rewind button!!) Anyway, here I am, sharing all my good intentions with you after having such a dark couple of weeks. I do hate this rollercoaster. I hate the way it makes me look � like a fraud. But you know, when I write my good intentions, I really believe that I will follow through. I really feel like I can walk more in my new neighborhood and that I can revive some of my creative outlets like painting. Today, if even for just today, I believe I can do these things. But then logically I know that somewhere around the bend lurks that depression. I feel the effects of it constantly. It niggles at me. Its always with me, the way a scar serves as that constant reminder that something bad happened and you can never really escape your past. A lot of you are wondering whether or not I started taking the anti-depressants. Well, I resisted taking the Prozac but then gave in and took it. After two pills, I had tunnel vision, nausea and sweating along with these wierd body shocks. I immediately stopped. Those drugs are not for me. The good news is that I�m in therapy, and hopefully I can find some peace there. 12:40 p.m. - May 03, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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