madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Break the cycle Sometimes it is impossible to see the forest for the trees when you are standing smack dab in the middle of one. But in my case, I can recognize a cycle. I just don�t know how to break it. Every month I get worse two weeks before my period. By �worse� I mean I get moodier, impending depression, and less positive. My motivation falters. My anger levels rise. I feel lonely and disgusting and chock-full of self-loathing. I go back and read my journals and it�s clearly there....at the same time over and over. Reoccurring as steady as the tides, as the moon waxing and waning, as time. There are exceptions. Between March 18th � April 18th, I was a superstar! I was happier in general. I was exercising, counting calories, and focusing on the positive. I lost inches and felt some of my clothes loosening on me ever so slightly. I felt hopeful. Then the depression hit. And aside from a handful of good days last week, I�ve pretty much been in this dark cloud for 12 days. And here I remain unmotivated, not exercising, binging in the middle of the night until I am sick, and thinking about how pointless life is again. I hate this cycle. I despise its trodden path, worn down from years of repetition. It makes me a weak person. It makes my knees buckle when I should be standing proud and strong. It makes me sleep on beautiful, sunny days...like yesterday. I slept yesterday at 3:00pm while birds sang and rare Portland sunlight twinkled leaves and lawnmowers buzzed. I am adjusting to my newfound �freedom� from my husband. He has taken a new position in the company, which means he works weekends and nights. We are ships passing in the night. He kisses me hello on my sleeping forehead at 2am and I whisper goodbye before rushing off to work. Yesterday was hard. I sort of wandered around, lost in this new foreign loneliness. Tom is my best friend and its been a long time since I had so much free time just to myself. Initially, I thought �Great � now I can really work on my diet. I can eat whatever I need to for dinner without having to listen to any whining about eating chicken breasts for the 4th time that week. I can exercise in the morning without interrupting his newscast. I can take long walks without him being worried I�ve been raped and murdered.� All this seemed fine and well, but my follow-through has sucked. Big Time. Instead, I found myself sort of wallowing. At the supermarket I STILL didn�t want the chicken breasts, regardless of who would or would not be whining about eating them. I tried to exercise, but found the walk tedious and boring and all these happy people were out in their happy yards, planting their happy flowers or bbq�ing with their happy friends. It was all too much. But inside, faced with the silent, freshly cleaned house.....I realized that I had no motivation to pursue all these lofty ideas. I felt heavy and fat and too hot for the 70 degree weather. I piled into bed, my retreat and slept the afternoon away. I awoke in the evening, still tired. I know this cycle will end, they always do. Sometimes the cycle lasts longer than others. Sometimes it is only a few days. But I�m so tired of this. Today I made the decision to try my Prozac in the morning. I hope this is my answer to �normalcy�. I hope I don�t encounter terrible side-effects. Maybe this is what I need to break this cycle, get off this path, to move on. 3:04 p.m. - April 26, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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